I realize that my story probably sounds like another sad tale of a marriage gone wrong, not an example of the emotional variant of domestic abuse—especially since I am a man. Even I feel squeamish referring to it as such. This is largely because I know some knuckle-dragger will raise his scornful unibrow before then calling me a pussy, while a squad of hardcore feminists simultaneously overanalyze my words in search of irrefutable evidence that I am, in fact, the heinous Man-Bear-Pig of South Park. Both of these reactions typify the reasons behind men’s reluctance to see themselves as victims of domestic abuse in any form—emotional or physical.
“There is a false stigma for men suggesting they are less than masculine if they admit [to being abused],” says Dr. Claudia Cornell, founder of WomenAbusingMen.org and author of the upcoming book The Secret Lives of Abused Men and the Women Who Abuse Them. Dr. Cornell also points to another restraining factor for men which centers on a perceived risk that such a disclosure would be dismissed coming from the man and more than likely would be turned against him, leading to false allegations and possibly even an arrest—a situation referred to as “victim blaming.”
This mentality of automatically assuming men are to blame in domestic abuse cases has become entrenched in society’s collective mindset, despite evidence to the contrary. As of 2010, over 250 academic studies have determined females are as aggressive as males, while research dating back to the 1970s has indicated a steady rise in the number of abusive women. In 2003 a Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief reported that men accounted for 15 percent of the victims who reported intimate partner violence (IPV), a number that equated to an occurrence every 37.8 seconds. This, in addition to BBC Radio’s 2009 documentary, Boys Don’t Cry, which stated that 20 percent of men had been victims of some form of domestic abuse. In all of these cases, experts believe that statistics are much higher.
So why have these and similar findings failed to gain broader attention? For one, it’s difficult to argue that abusive women are just as prevalent and vicious as abusive men. Furthermore, it appears our society is averse to considering anything different, given the assertion made in a 2007 study published in the International Journal of Men’s Health, which concluded that “prevailing patriarchal conception of intimate partner violence led to a systematic reluctance to study women who psychologically and physically abuse their male partners.” Put another way, society as a whole is covering its ears and going “La la la” at suggestions that women are perpetrators of domestic abuse.
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“The courts are prepared to believe—indeed, expect—that a man will be emotionally abusive to a woman, but not so the other way around,” says Anne Mitchell, a California attorney who started DadsRights.org and is author of the book Surviving Divorce and Custody Issues: The Single Father’s Guide. “Women are perceived as soft, nurturing, and in need of protection from angry, aggressive men.” First responders, she says, are trained to handle domestic violence calls by separating the couple, which typically means arresting the male regardless of fault. Mitchell cites a client who, despite his bloodied face, was hauled off to jail. His infant child was left with its mother, the same coked-out woman who had attacked him.
Stories of the court’s blatant gender bias and ambivalence toward abusive wives are rampant. In one case, a Toronto judge laughed at a husband who claimed to be the victim of domestic abuse. I interviewed another gentlemen who recounted his nightmare of emotional abuse inflicted by his chronically cheating wife. Thinking the ordeal over after agreeing to her terms for a divorce that required no spousal or child support, he moved on, only to then be notified, 13 years later, that his ex had secretly finagled the system, sticking him with roughly $1.7 million in back support. Ten years of unsuccessful petitioning and now in his 60s, he knows he’ll never be able to pay this off in his lifetime. And the daughter he was supporting? Not his.
But what drives these tendencies in women? Answers range from learned behavior growing up, to mental instability. In When She Was Bad, Women and the Myth of Innocence, author Patricia Pearson referred to a study in which researchers found that children beaten by their fathers tended to grow up and become victims, regardless of their gender. Conversely, children of both sexes who were abused by the mother were more likely to become the victimizers. Logically speaking, such a finding implies that abusive women could be, overall, more destructive than men in the sense they are actually producing more abusers.
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Being a victim of these cycles is something John Wilder understands. Abused as a boy by his father, John later became the victim of two emotionally abusive wives. “I felt powerless … [and] they used it as an emotional club to beat me.” John recognized the pattern despite being ignored by eight different marriage councilors. Today, John has a graduate degree in clinical psychology and works as a relationship coach.
John’s situation also illustrates another problematic issue: the lack of professional understanding and resources particularly in cases of emotional abuse, which, unlike the physical form, is hard to spot. “It’s very fuzzy,” contends Mitchell. “Abuse is in the eye of the recipient, [and] for this reason, proving emotional abuse is very difficult—more so if the victim is a male.”
However, signs of emotional abuse can be determined. In their book, It’s Not Okay Anymore, Greg Enns and Jan Black ask:
- Does your wife criticize, embarrass, or humiliate you in front of others, including friends or family?
- Does she insist that things you want for yourself are selfish and wrong?
- Does your wife or girlfriend withhold affection or sex to “punish” you?
- Does she intimidate you or make you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” to keep the peace?
- Has your wife prevented you from taking a job, or kept you from going to school/college? Has your wife forced you through manipulation, coercion, or intimidation to quit a job you had?
- Does your wife minimize or deny her abusive treatment of you, or make “jokes” about how she treats you? Does she blame you for her abusive behaviors?
- Does she treat you as if you are her personal servant or slave?
- Does your wife criticize or belittle your beliefs, or tell you that your faith is wrong?
- Does your wife restrict or limit your contact with your family or friends, or make you leave social gatherings because she says so?
- If you have children together, does she threaten you’ll never be able to see your children if you leave or divorce her?
And there’s more, according to Dr. Cornell’s WomenAbusingMen.org, where abusive women are broken down into two categories: “abusive controllers” and “abusive consumers.” Per the site’s information, women who are “controllers” seek to dominate a man’s entire being in order to manage him as an extension of themselves. For these women, a man’s compliance is love.
Meanwhile, “abusive consumers” measure love by what a man can give them. These women gain access to everything a man has, turning him into a tool to be used on all levels as a means for obtaining a certain lifestyle. The site goes on to mention that some women can exhibit behavioral tendencies listed in both categories.
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For me, I didn’t recognize my ex-wife’s emotional abusiveness until after experiencing the healthy relationship I now enjoy in my current marriage. Still, I feel somewhat unmanly claiming to be a victim, even though I can’t fold laundry, clean the kitchen, or make the bed without it churning up the memories and emotions associated with being berated by my ex. Ultimately, however, I’ve moved on—and consider myself lucky.
—Photo renee_mcgurk/Flickr
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Other stories in this special package:
Meet the Men’s Rights Movement
Hugo Schwyzer: How Men’s Rights Activists Get Feminism Wrong
Paul Elam: On Misandry: What’s Wrong With Men?
Tom Matlack: Adultery’s Double Standard
Amanda Marcotte: The Solution to MRA Problems? More Feminism
Zeta Male: The Top 10 Issues of Men’s Rights
Kaelin Alexander: Men’s Studies: Teaching Masculinities in the Margins
Pelle Billing: Unlocking the Men’s Rights Movement
David Futrelle: Dismantling the Men’s Rights Movement
Dan Moore of Menz: The MRA Perspective
Tom Matlack: Do Divorced Dads Get a Raw Deal?
Blixa Scott: Why Do We Forgive Adulterous Women?
Joseph Caputo: Can We Degenderize Domestic Violence?
Pages: 1 2
About Ron Mattocks
Vocalyze
To be frank, my heart breaks even more for men every time I hear stories of abuse directed against them than it does for women. Of course I feel bad and angry when a woman is abused, but she has an entire support system out there that doesn’t necessarily exist for abused men. My heart hurts more for men because of the ridicule sometimes directed at them. And you know what I’ve noticed? Men of abuse are seen as pussy-whipped (an offensive term all around), but women of abuse are seen as victims. What a society we live in, right?
wow. that’s what I’ve been trying to put to words since I read this article. we all suffer, but you’re so right, men are much more locked into themselves and shame whether they get help or not. and this is true for men who suffer from abuse as much as those who abuse.
I very much appreciate your unbiased perspective on domesticate abuse against men. I tire of the MRM practically spamming good articles like this with anti-feminist sentiment, because that does not address the problem of men being abused by women, or men being abused in general. Rather, comments like that make the issue about feminism and not the issue about people taking violence against men seriously, which, to me, needs more pressing attention than the so-called evils of feminism. The feminists I know want equality for all, but it’s extremist feminists akin to PETA that tend to overshadow their voices, because of course the extremists are going to get more attention. Extremists are often more entertaining, in the eyes of the media and our culture.
In any case, I am grateful you were able to pull yourself out of this vicious cycle of abuse and were able to write about it with such sensitivity and clarity.
And to go with this piece on domestic violence against men, here’s the most recent blog posting from Fathers and Families:
http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/?p=13765
In brief, an arizona chapter of NOW and the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence are calling for the resignation of a state senator.
Why? Because he got out of a DV arrest because he’s an elected official.
Now what happened was this. His drunk girlfriend punched him repeatedly while he was driving down a highway and attempted to wrest control of the wheel from him. He pulled over, she tried to get into the driver’s seat and he pulled her out of the car, resulting in her skinning her knees.
The police came. Arrested her, didn’t arrest him because he cited the fact that senators can’t be arrested while legislature is in session.
Thus NOW and a DV group are demanding his resignation.
Let’s reverse the genders, shall we?
Drunk boyfriend punches girlfriend repeatedly while she’s driving the car; girlfriend pulls over, manages to wrestle the boyfriend out of the car before he tries to drive away with it, he skins his knees.
Can we spot the domestic abuser now?
NOW and the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence apparently are incapable because the abuser is cleverly concealed behind her gender!
Aaaaand, if anyone’s interested, this unsympathetic article has a photo of the senator’s black eye.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1361519/State-senator-Scott-Bundgaard-avoids-road-arrest-invoking-jail-free-Legislative-immunity.html
Yes. I’m not sure though.
I have some ideas I’m batting around but I’ve always thought that video would be a better medium for them.
Ron,
Thanks for sharing this wonderful piece with us. I will contact you when I go to HOU sometime this summer.
Joey
Ron, thank you for your story. I don’t know if that was hard to write, but I bet it was hard to live.
I lived a similar story, but managed to stay married. The problem was that I was not good enough for her. The shame of the situation just makes things worse. My inability to handle things, brought more guilt and more shame. Only through personal development and the improvement in my business was I able to appease her. Why didn’t I leave her? First, I could not leave my son with her – she would have gone ballistic if I left her. Next, there is no history of divorce in my family – it would have been my failure and it would have caused my severe economic hardship in the short term. I understand how you felt about suicide, my passionate desire for life kept me going when all seemed worthless.
These days I still walk on eggshells, but the abuse has largely stopped. She would say there is no problem in our marriage, but that is only because I keep it all to myself.
What a powerful post. I’ve deciced I’ve add enough of marriage a couple of years ago after too many years of being considered and viewed as a jerk. I had to fight to secure child custody, but this is where part of my life became a prison of some sort… being at the receiving end of ongoing hurtful comments to underminde my ability, capacity of being a good dad by being constantly riffled by my ex. A lifelong pain routine which I have found I can face up to with the help of my psy doctor. Ultimately, my kids love is what matters the most to me, and we spend good times together, and one day I know they’ll see what I’ve gone through and draw their own conclusions. I have choosen a path of respect and humility. Life goes on. Some chose otherwise, but I don’t bother noticing when it’s all about being angry and wanting to hurt the other person. I’ve pardonned.
I recently wrote a post on my blog about why good feminists sign pre-nups. It is the best way to combat a biased court system. I firmly believe that custody should default to joint and in order to get sole, the petitioning parent should have to demonstrate the unfitness of the other parent. Feminists have been saying for years how gender roles hurt men just as much as women and this story is proof. The problem is MRAs blame feminists for the problem, not the patriarchy. Until men and women can present a united front against the patriarchy, nothing will change. The strength of the patriarchy shows through in this post. The author used expressions like “emasculated,” which is something women do to men when they don’t stick to their pre-assigned gender roles. Maybe try and be more aware of that.
The very fact that you use the term “patriarchy” shows you’re no ally of mine. It’s a loaded term designed to alleviate women of any responsibility and redirect it back at men. It presupposes that all men automatically have power and no women do.
Maybe you should be more aware of the language you use.
I recently wrote a post on my blog about why good feminists sign pre-nups.
I agree that pre-nups are good for all people but for some reason they have a stigma of being a sign of greed. As if any person (men moreso than women but women as well) wanting a pre-nup is a greedy jerk that is protecting their own.
The problem is MRAs blame feminists for the problem, not the patriarchy.
A part of the problem is the use of that word. Patriarchy actual means rule of the father, or at least it did before feminists decided to redefine it to their liking. And using that word the way they do serves to:
1. Mitigate away the way the system harms men by trying to make it sound like men did the damage to themselves.
2. Absolve women of responsibility of their roles in the system by making it sound like its all men’s fault.
Oh and about that “(Okay fine) Patriarchy Hurts Men Too (there I said it now shut up)” line. That’s empty lip service.
Why do women want to make everything about them? This is a discussion about some men had to suffer due to domestic abuse and you are trying to make it about feminism:
“The problem is MRAs blame feminists for the problem, not the patriarchy. Until men and women can present a united front against the patriarchy, nothing will change. The strength of the patriarchy shows through in this post. The author used expressions like “emasculated,” which is something women do to men when they don’t stick to their pre-assigned gender roles. Maybe try and be more aware of that.”
Why is that? Are you unwilling to discuss men’s problems without dragging your own issues in it or is it that you can’t stand it whe it’s not about women? Stop it. Really.
Thanks for sharing something so deeply personal Ron. Someone very close to me was in a relationship with a woman who manipulated and changed his core personality for the time he was with her. But thankfully, he was able to get out of that relationship and ask some good questoins about himself and about her to move on to more positive relationships. It seems that female abuse might be more subtle and manipulative. No less dangerous and just as harmful as male abuse.
I think we can also take a look at younger girls today. We’ve all heared those stories about teenage girls bullying other girls and actually getting physical with them and beating them up. Which is something that I think happens more often today then it did only 20 years ago. And I wonder why these girls today are more violent and how they will grow into women.
Thanks Erin, You bring up a good point. One of the studies I came across in my research linked the number of physically abusive women to the rising amount of violence among teenage girls. Due to editorial constraints, though, i didn’t have the space to fit that in. I’m glad you mentioned it in the comments. Thank you.
You should write an article about it. It’s an interesting thing. Do you think this is due to it being more acceptable now for girls to show this type of behavior than in the past? I’m definitely not saying this is right, but I’m just saying that girls are allowed to show stereotypically masculine traits now without necessarily being berated for them.
Hm.
Great essay!
Well, not to get all Jungian psych, but the more I have been thinking about this the more I am reminded about the problem of projection at the heart of relationship difficulties between two individuals and at the heart of social demonization of entire groups of people.
Are you serious?? I have known your ex-wife for 30 years and you are crazy. YOU were physically abusive to her before your marriage and continued after you were married. Why would you post lies about her. She is a whopping 90lbs and is so mild mannered and loved by everyone that has met her, except you. She has single-handed raised your 3 boys with 0% financial help from you because you are unemployed. Maybe she should receive some of the royalities from your book since so many people believe your lies. If you are such a good dad, maybe you should start a college fund for your boys, or does she have to pay for that too??
Grow up Ron and leave your past in the past and stop making money off of her pain.
TO ALL RON FANS…he is a liar and fraud. Take his books for what they are…Fiction. I wish you were the man you claim to be.
Forgive me Erin, I don’t believe I know you which, in turn, probably means you don’t know me either except through my ex-wife. This being the case, I realize nothing I say in response to your comment is likely to change your mind; however, I’m going to do it anyway.
1) Except for the incident mentioned in the article, I never laid a hand on my ex wife–broke things, threw glasses, screamed and yelled, yes–but never touched her. That of course is my word against hers so let’s move. The marriage counselor we went documented all of this. We also each saw this counselor one-on-one for a number of sessions, and if there actually was any physical abuse, it’s likely that would’ve come out at some point during the nearly 3 years of sessions. I’ve continued to see this counselor over the past 7 years. He knows the entire history and he’s the one who suggested that I was a victim.
2) She has not raised the boys single-handedly, and if she thinks she has done so, it’s only because she limits my access to them. Case in point: last summer when I had to threaten legal action to get my boys for the full time designated in the divorce decree. There are more examples, but this restrictive behavior is known as Parental Alienation and it’s considered a form of child abuse. I will say, though, that in the past year she has loosened up a bit, but there are still restrictions placed on me.
3) True, after paying her $34,000 annually in child support & spousal support (an amount that exceeded the state’s maximum threshold), I lost my job and could only afford to pay $100/ month until the court could legally adjust my support payments. Once the court did this, I had the difference of what I owed in back support pro-rated and added to my current monthly payments (which by the way, was calculated at a rate 20% higher than what I make). So, by all accounts, I am not only meeting my obligation, I’m exceeding it. Since I have your personal email now, I will be happy to send you copies from the Attorney General’s office that will verify all of the above. Also through this entire period-both with & without a job-I never missed a premium payment on the $1 million dollar life insurance policy I’m required to carry for the boys, and I continued to provide them with full medical coverage.
4) I will be happy to forward copies of all the royalty checks from my book. Try not to laugh when you see them. A common misconception is that everyone makes money from books. Not so. Lesson learned: for my next book, I plan to incorporate a boy wizard prodigy as well as several angst-ridden teen vampires and werewolves. That way I may stand a better chance of making enough money for a meal at Denny’s once a quarter. I would also like to send you a signed copy of my current book so you can read it for yourself.
5) I haven’t started a college fund for the boys—not officially anyway. I do have a small savings account in their names, though. There’s not much to speak of in it, but I’ll forward you copies of the statements. And if it would help, I’ll send you copies of all my tax returns over the past several years. I’m entirely serious on producing this or any of the evidence I’ve offered.
I’ve addressed your specific comments above and if I had the room in the comments I’d have a few questions for you about some more details you’re probably not privy to. But I’ll leave those alone for now. In any case, what I have shared with you are documented facts—not hearsay, not conjecture, not an emotional outburst. For as long as I’ve been writing, I’ve known never to publically publish anything of this nature unless it can be proven. Or as the old maxim goes: Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
If I am a fraud and a liar, then so be it. You’re my ex’s friend, I’m guessing, so naturally you’re going to say this. I suppose it is possible to fool people with writing, but you can’t do it forever. But by the same token, I suppose it’s also possible to fool the people who you call your friends, but can’t do that forever either. Time will tell.
Erin, you are obviously one of the god-awful defenders/apologists for abusive women that is referred to in this essay. I have nothing but sympathy for the men and boys in your life that must tolerate your cringe-worthy existence.
Thank you for sharing something so personal!
I don’t believe it should be “when men are abused” or “when women are abused.” It should be “when people are abused” because the same things happen to everyone. Victims blame themselves. Others blame them. They have limited resources. They keep coming back because they can’t see things in perspective.
Women and men are not so different. We are all the same. Abuse is abuse! And it has to be stopped.
Again. thank you for your thoughts! Thank you for spreading abuse awareness.
He emerges from the shadows,
his eyes full of light
and mystery,
and holds out to me
his heart in trembling hands.
~Galen Gillotte
One of my very best and dearest friends is an abused husband-emotional AND physical-he has recorded evidence and is still not believed by the “law”. I thank you for sharing this very difficult and most personal of experiences in public. You may not feel manly by doing so, but in my eyes you are more so than you realize.
Blessings on you and your family,
~b~
“…a perceived risk that such a disclosure would be dismissed coming from the man and more than likely would be turned against him, leading to false allegations and possibly even an arrest—a situation referred to as “victim blaming.”
This is not a perceived risk. This is a real fear. I have been a victim myself. On the night my ex and I broke up (initiated by me) she tried convincing me I had no life without her, then proceeded to break some of my belongings in our house. I called the police and she started to say “Don’t hit me, don’t hit me’ as I was on the phone with the 911 operator.
Then she went into the kitchen and pulled a 12 inch knife on me while I was on the phone with the 911 operator. I ran outside and she put the knife up before the police arrived.
After talking to both of us the police said I had to leave because I had family in town. I refused because she had friends she could go to and she was breaking things in the house. The police then told me I had to leave or I was being arrested.
I am all too aware of the stigma of the male being at fault for any anger, argument, or upset in a domestic issue with a women. I couldn’t (and still don’t ) trust the authorities to protect me in a situation like this. It has made me a highly distrustful and cynical person.
I know that not all women will behave like this. But the fact that remains is that it could have only been that one that might have sent me to prison for being a victim, not a perpetrator.
I’ve discussed this on other websites before and no one cares. Like Emily says, there is no support for men. In retrospect it seems hypocritical and sadly, normal. Men are always expected to take care of themselves and others, forsaking themselves sometimes. The disparity of support for men and women reflect this.
Wow! Great article. Reading it brought back a lot of memories from my own past as a victim of a wifes abuses. I was punched many times and the mental abuse was even more painful. To this day I still dont know what kept me from the suicide that was always on my mind. 30 years ago and I’m still messed up.
its been 18 months since i came out of an abusive relationship.she abused me emotionally,physically and abusively.
it was only after having counselling that i realised she was suffering from a narcisstic personality disorder.
she constantly lied to me,had several affairs,and finally stripped me of every possession i owned.
she beat me with a bat,and then had me arrested for domestic violence.the law only listens to the womans side of the story. the man is presumed guilty.
i dont consider myself as a weak man,only that i was brought up to respect a woman.so,i took whatever was thrown at me for my childs sake.
i just thank God that i am no longer controlled by her.
My real-life example of parental alienation syndrome. Warning, strong language.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPpm4Gyi1jk
I have one question. Where the hell is Amanda Marcotte? I wonder what she has to say about all this. Or perhaps she’d just rather not hear it.