If boys don’t get what they need as kids, can it be made up for in adolescence?
“The healthy development of young children in their early years of life literally does provide a foundation for just about all the challenging social problems our societies and other societies face today.”
—Jack P. Shonkoff, director of the Center for the Developing Child at Harvard.
At the school where I teach, many of the students are products of uncommunicative, insensitive, or entirely absent adults. Brain research reveals that stable and nurturing adult/child relationships are critical to a young person’s psychological development. Those relationships provide a pathway for more successful social interaction throughout their lives.
But if someone doesn’t get what they need as a kid, can it be made up for in adolescence? And can that happen in a school setting instead of a home? A team of educators at our school is trying to find out.
One of our first classes is about “norms,” a word the boys struggle to define as they sit on their desktops in a circle of various postures. Anel walks into the class late, and silence falls. The only seat available is next to the principal.
Anel has a choice to make: restrain himself in deference to authority, or win cred with the boys by flying in the face of it. Just as he is about to mouth off, the principal beckons Anel to stand beside him. The principal is well over 6-feet; Anel is just a few inches shorter. The boy is not the least bit intimidated. He believes he’s in charge of the moment.
“So, Anel,” the principal says, “we’re talking about norms today. You know, a norm—what is normal, what is expected. What we bet will happen. You with me?”
“I got you. Like the norm of the principal is to get all up in your face.” The boys laugh. Anel gives his shoulders a roll and smirks with a pleasing nod.
“Has that ever happened to you at our school?” the principal asks.
“It’s about to,” Anel retorts, riding on his control now.
“Ahh, but maybe not,” the principal says. “Have a seat.”
Surprised, Anel passively complies.
***
Then the principal asks the group what the expected norms are when someone challenges their behavior in front of other boys. Everybody answers at once. They know what is expected and universally agree the results will be confrontational.
“Okay,” the principal acknowledges. “That’s what happens. That’s what we do, but what is the custom or norm of behavior expected by the school community?”
They all know the answer to this question, too: “Be a wimp.” “Be a pussy.” “Stand down.”
“Now, say it like I would,” the principal says. “Say what I would expect with words I would use.”
They imitate adult voices and take pleasure in coming up with answers: “Be respectful.” “Be goodie goodies.” “Act civilized.” “Don’t lie.” “Say please and thank you.”
“How might you expect the outcome to be different?”
“You don’t get your face pushed in.” “You get A’s.” “You graduate.” “You get beat up after school.” “You don’t get in ISS.”
The discussion precedes a lesson designed to build relationships with the boys and other adults in our school community. We divide them into groups of three. They are instructed to introduce themselves to assigned staff members, from custodians to administrators, who have agreed to help out. The boys are expected to give reports about the experience when they return to class.
They’re all abuzz upon returning to class. We calm them down and ask for a volunteer to start off.
Anel commandeers the first opportunity and deliberately trips on the line he knows he isn’t supposed to cross just so he can maintain some of his reputation as a slacker. But it’s evident he learned something: “I met Miss Elena who cleans in the building. She’s Muslim and that’s why she has that tow—uh, uh… her… ” He looks at a note he wrote on his palm. “Birka, she called it, on her head. That’s a birka. She’s a teacher in her country that she came from but I don’t remember the country.”
Miguel says he met a Spanish teacher. He told her she was very beautiful and that he hoped he would have her for a teacher one day soon. Damontre says he asked the cafeteria guy, Eddie Calder, why the kids who got free lunch couldn’t have chicken fingers, and Eddie said to ask the principal.
Fernando reports that he introduced himself to the school policeman: “His name is Officer Schaeffer. The kids call him Robo-cop, right? I didn’t call him that. That’s what they call him. Anyway, he was cool. He said he was a real cop, I mean like a SWAT team cop. Is that true?”
We hear about Mrs. Ellis in the clinic whose son plays professional basketball in Europe, and Mr. Xian who volunteers with the ESL program helping non-English speaking students with their assignments. “That Asian is old,” Jonathan reports.
And then, Sadique, having a moment of revelation, chimes in. “Hold it,” he says, looking around the room. “I know what you teachers are up to. The more people who know us, the less likely we are to get away with stuff, right?”
Thanks for believing in boys.
I disagree with Fail. Not all broken homes are the fault of the mother or father. Agreed the dissolution of the family unit is I feel a kick start into how boys behave and their whole outlook on life and how they cope at school. Both parents have a responsibility to their offspring, whether they live together or not. If you can’t put personal issues to the side and concentrate on what is important for your children, then the children will suffer. This is not rocket science. Big factor is home enviroment but also the schools themselves. Just as not… Read more »
Thanks for all your comments. MomofBoys: I don’t have an answer about an hour a day in the system making up for the loss of a decade or more; but I can say that for an hour each day, we introduce the boys to a broader experience by immersing them in the microcosm of a school village that sees, hears, and cares about their well-being in the belief it will amount to something good. Anne: I’d love to hear more about your work in the UK. Laura: Encountering people who genuinely care about us changes the way we view the… Read more »
I never understood how women claim no culpability in the destruction of family. The United States
has the second to last child welbeing rating of all developed nations behind the UK according to UNICEF. Why do women and the president blame all of this on men?….Why???
Interesting how the article fails to mention the home life of boys. How is it that we expect the communal foundation of our society to be publically admistrated? The foundation of any society is the family. How many of these boys have had their father forced out of their lives by a woman and family courts? How many of these boys will be told that men are not a necessary part of the family as I was told in school?
How sad and yet sweet that Sadique’s moment of revelation is that you do what you do so that they can’t get away with “stuff.” Would that these young men could only understand! Your hard work at inculcating them with good manners, a sense of respect and the basic “expectations” of life is to be commended. But one understands how difficult it is to get to know others or look around themselves when there was no breakfast on the table or no adult at home to wish them a great day or make arrangements for pick up later. I look… Read more »
A great story and a good quote at the beginning. How we communicate with children makes all the difference. We’re doing a lot of work like this in the UK and the results are very exciting. Sometimes one conversation with an adult who really listens can get a young person back on track.
I want to hear more. Can an hour or 2 a day in “the system” make up for a lifetime of being ignored, berated and/or abused? Let’s hope so. Let’s hope that the effort of this program and more like it can save a boy or two.
So fascinating, and so well written. Thanks for putting these out there for us. I am really enjoying the articles, and learning a great deal.