“I learned that in spite of watching generations of men in my family, some of them brilliant leaders, self destruct with alcohol, that I was not different or that having experienced that family as an alcoholic system that wasn’t training to contain my own alcoholism. I guess I learned that things could happen to me.”
Joe Schrank, interventionist
“My disrespectful behavior to a barber when I was nine or ten. I did not want a haircut, as children sometimes belligerently do not. Eventually, my parents removed me from the chair and spoke to me in our car. At some point in the back and forth, they exclaimed that I hadn’t even been nice to the adult man who was going to cut my hair, to which I replied, “Why do I have to be nice to my barber?” That was it. They made clear how wrong this was, and I got it. I use this lesson almost every day: I am better than nobody.”
John C. Abell, journalist
“Hitting my dog.”
Anthony Morales, unemployed
“Hitting my kid.”
Anonymous
“I’ve made a ton of mistakes. But the biggest mistake has been worrying about the mistakes I’d already made. Such a waste of mental energy. I once wrote an article for a magazine about a Harry Potter movie. And after it had gone to press, I realized I had gotten a fact wrong—I think the size of the budget. I threw away days of my life obsessing over my mistake. Which, as it turned out, no one noticed or complained about. Worrying is a bad addiction.”
A.J. Jacobs, author
“My DUI in 2004. No injuries or damage to personal property, but embarrassing and definitely a wake-up call to slow down.”
Michael Schiavo, poet
“In 1988, I was accepted to the American Film Institute directing program, a highly competitive graduate school. I was also offered, at the same time, a paying job as associate producer on a major studio film. I sought advice from various parts, and opted for the producer job, because it provided me with a living wage, whereas the directing program would have put me considerably in debt. As a result, I was put on the path to a career as a producer, which was successful, but I was not able to segue into directing until 2002, 14 years later. It’s one of the few crossroads in my life where, in retrospect, I would have chosen differently, and consequently I revisit the situation frequently. I learned that in life and in work, passion must trump financial considerations, because regret makes for heavier baggage than debt.”
Alan Poul, film/tv director and producer.
“There are so many mistakes in my past it’s difficult to single one out. But rest assured I have learned from them all.”
Keith Dixon, author and journalist
“Um, I don’t make mistakes. No, wait, I do. Having sex with the wrong girls.”
John O’Sullivan, sound engineer
“My mistake was not being serious enough about things. I’m kind of still that way. If something doesn’t work out, screw it; I’ll do something else.”
Dave Cowens, NBA Hall of Famer
“The biggest mistake I’ve made is taking life for granted. Back in high school, when I was perhaps at my happiest, I had very little interest in anything constructive. I liked playing basketball, getting fucked up, and having sex with my girlfriend. I wasted the opportunity to take full advantage of a great education, I wasted tens of thousands of dollars on worthless crap, and I wasted the most important thing of all, my time. I always had a sense that I would someday get my shit together and I was in no rush to do what everyone else was doing (college, travel, exercise, eating right). I was a hedonist, essentially. Years later, I was in debt, overweight, dealing with health issues and living at home. It is very hard to learn how to change your life as you get older, and I have paid a considerable price. I’ve watched friends go on to do amazing things with their lives and I feel sort of left behind with nothing to show for my time. I’m trying to piece together something that I can feel proud of with the time I have left, but even now it can be a struggle to keep focused and inspired.”
Jim Hamilton Jr., grad student
“Making my wife feel insecure by flirting. It seemed so small a betrayal. But marriage is made up of millions of tiny acts of bravery, and any one failure can cause a crack that could get bad. Which is too bad, because flirting is fun. Then again, sex with new people is fun, so I get that fun shouldn’t be the main determining factor for your actions.”
Joel Stein, journalist
“Being a Cubs fan. Except that I haven’t really learned anything from that, because I’m still a Cubs fan.”
Chris Johnson, teacher
“My greatest lessons involved ones of humility and speaking up for myself. Dealing with taking my daughter’s mother to court to get joint custody made me realize I’d do whatever it takes to be a part of my child’s life. But being humble enough to have compassion for ones who I felt wronged me helped me move past the situation on an emotional level.”
Christian Thaahum Abrokwah, hip-hop artist
“Thinking that professional athletes might be men I would want to emulate.”
Jason Archer, college student
“Underestimating my importance to someone close to me.”
David Atchison, producer and journalist
“I used to think I never made mistakes; or, in that rare instance when I did, that you were still somehow at fault.”
Tommy Long, store manager
“Having an affair; breaking my wife’s heart. Also, any time I have postured as anything less than my true self I have suffered (and hence) learned most.”
Matthew R. Piepenburg, financial executive and poet
“Dropping out of college. It made me understand that I had to take responsibility for myself and my actions. There was a time when I believed that the world owed me something, and dropping out of college opened my eyes.”
Ben Corman, comedian
“Not listening to my sons as intently as I should. There were times when they were younger that I became distracted by something, usually a work issue. I didn’t give them the attention they deserved, and I could see the disappointment on their faces when they would walk away, dejected. That hurt me so much. I have strived to be a better listener since, and to drop what I was doing whenever they needed me.”
Michael Angley, author
“Lying. I did it like it was my fucking job.”
Rick Flaherty, businessman
“Attempting to maintain more than one relationship at a time. The energy it takes is really not worth it. And the energy and the attention it takes away from any one relationship.”
Nick Flynn, author
“Never let a group of Irish gypsies drink in your bar. Even if you know them. It will end badly.”
Vinny Warren, advertising exec
“When I was 18, I was signed by two major producers in the music industry. I dropped out of high school, and even though I was recording in SoHo and meeting with major record labels, I had no money. All the while, I was also deep into alcoholism. I learned the most from this time because it showed me the hard way that achieving your dreams doesn’t mean anything if you’re too much of a mess to be present for them. I ditched the project, sobered up, and started to do music on my own healthy terms. Today my life is second to none, and I deserve my dreams.”
Brendan Little, musician
“Have you ever tried crossing the Triborough Bridge from Queens without cash? A funny thing happens: They wait out your lame excuse, take your license and registration, tell you to drive through an hour’s worth of traffic down the bridge and into the Bronx, turn around, drive another hour’s worth of traffic back up the bridge, retrieve your license and registration, and then go the hell back where you came from to find an ATM, extract some cash, and do the whole thing over again. I will never make that mistake again.
“I mean, listen: Mistakes, I’ve made a few. Many more serious than the toll bridge. This may sound overly simplistic, but learning from mistakes taught me that I can learn from my mistakes —an enormous lesson in itself. When you finally figure that out, you stop feeling bad about an error and start looking for the lesson. It’s the best part of screwing up.
But also: Can’t NYC just put some damn credit card swipers in those toll booths? Is that really so hard?”
Jason Feifer, editor
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In September, 2009, Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? Click here. Want to learn more? Here you go.
My biggest mistakes always come from misjudging myself and allowing my own respite or insecurity effect my thinking. Then feeling starved, and allowing myself to get too emotional, over that which I feel like I can’t have, and then getting angry, and saying ‘f*** it’ and being an ass because I think it doesn’t matter anyway. Great article. So many of the answers say it so well already. Oh, and giving the keys to my moving van to a drunk 21 year old blonde in the hilly streets of San Francisco last weekend, thinking she would be more entertained by… Read more »
Every time I’ve done something rotten; every wasted moment; every ruined relationship; every time I actively sabotaged my own dreams; all of these stemmed from believing that because I’m gay, the world’s hate meant that God hated me too, so I had better get with the program and hate myself.
My greatest mistakes happen when I act like I still hate myself.
Alternately funny, trenchant, chilling and just plain dumb. Great cross section of men and a delightful array of answers.
I’m seeing so many mistakes that I’m still making. The biggest one being being less than my absolute true self. It’s an ongoing process.
I am interested to see Alexander Chee’s response here. I just finished reading “Edinburgh” last week. It was stunning.
i’m in no way strong enough or smart enough to run this life by myself. even with the wisdom of those who have come before me, making it meaningful is inconceivable. what do i know of life? all i really know is what it feels like, and i can try to avoid those feelings of disappointment, failure, guilt, self-loathing all i want, but it’s just like running from some shadow. i’d like to run toward something. something that will give my life meaning, hope, purpose and value. i guess that’s what this idea of being a good man is about;… Read more »
Anything you participate in building you can destroy. Building for all the work it takes is better- destroying is easier.
The question almost assumes we learn our lessons — even if they require a giggleZillion repetitions — and I’d say no, we don’t learn from them all. Maybe we grow a bit from them and undestand ourselves more and set ourselves up better for life’s next crossroads. I’d say my toughest lessons clump into a category of failing to trust my own gut instincts and ending up reasoning my way into an unhappy or an unwise choice. Not to go all Zen about it, but the lesson I’ve taken — or struggle to take away from those times — is… Read more »
Saw this one a few times..ANGER..out of control, raw, devestating my family.
Junot Diaz (see above) said it better than I ever could — spot on!