Learning to Love Smarter, Not Harder

I resent a lot of people, especially the ones I love the most. The more I love someone, the more I resent ’em. Does it make me a bad person? I think it simply makes me human because there is no resentment without expectations… and let’s be honest — who do we expect the most from?

Somewhere along the way, we’ve taken the phrase ‘love hard’ too literally — almost like we’re meant to be hard on the people we love.

The moment we enter the world, we start responding to the comfort others offer us — and with that, the chain of expectations begins. It becomes our second nature to seek fulfillment in the actions of those around us.

The deepest resentment often stems from expecting someone to act, look, speak, or love the way we want — and feeling let down when they don’t. But really, there’s a big difference between someone not showing love or respect and just showing it in their own way.

I am not trying to sound preachy — in fact, honestly, consider this piece as a little ‘letter/reminder to myself’. Like you, I am just trying to figure out how to resent less and maybe, expect better — not just for my loved ones, but for myself too.

A journey from resentment to acceptance

We love, therefore we expect.

Letting go of expectations does not mean letting go of resentment. So, how do you turn your resentment into acceptance?

# It’s not them, it’s you

More often than not, resenting someone only hurts the person who is carrying the emotion around. The other person might not even have the slightest idea about how you’re feeling. Resentment is less about what the other person does and more about how we perceive the situation in our minds. Perception > reality.

# Better, not less

I do not want to not expect from my people but maybe I should set better expectations? For example, she might not express her love the way I want her to but she will do it the way she knows the best. You wouldn’t expect a bee to outclimb a monkey in a tree-climbing contest. Similarly, you can’t expect everyone’s love language to be the same — set your expectations based on their actions, not your own desires.

# Do not burden others for your happiness

Resentment and misplaced expectations arise when we believe our happiness depends on others. We then burden them with the responsibility of making us happy and when they fall short, we resent them. But if you keep waiting for someone to make you happy, you’ll find yourself waiting forever. For example, do the things that make you happy instead of not doing them unless you do it together. Even though they love you, they might not find joy in the same things you do.

# Let go of the illusion of control

When we try to control the people we love, ironically, we eventually lose all control. In the process of creating boundaries for them, we do not realize the amount of boundaries we are crossing. Do not try to control their action — control your reaction to it instead. No matter how close you are to them, you still do not share their mind and neither do they. If you really want things to work out, express your feelings to them and trust that they are doing their best.

# They might be seeking your validation too

Sometimes when we resent too much, our loved ones might feel they are not enough. I am not saying do not express at all but maybe use the right words? When I am trapped in such a situation, I try to start expressing by saying “I feel…” instead of “you made me feel…” It has made a huge difference because by focusing on my feelings, I’m not blaming them for the situation. I’m simply sharing my perspective, opening the door for a conversation without putting them on the defensive.

At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to do our best, right? Sometimes it is not about learning to love deeper but also about learning to love smarter.

P.S.: Writing this article has been a bit of a cathartic experience for me. When I first started, I was kind of lost in my own feelings of resentment, but putting these thoughts into words has given me a fresh perspective.

Here’s to us all moving the needle from resentment to acceptance, one better expectation at a time.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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