3 Hidden Reasons Anxiously Attached Crave Validation in Relationships

There has been a shift, and we use words with multiple meanings and narrow them down to mean one version.

I want to focus on validation. While validation has many meanings, it has become a negative word.

Validation is confirmation that something is acceptable. It is reassurance that something has met the qualifications.

It has taken on a different meaning in society today. Validation has turned into a term that issues you a scarlet letter.

Needing validation has translated to neediness and an inability to exude confidence.

That model is false and has ironically turned into an increased need for validation due to the layer of shame it adds.

Everyone likes validation, whether it is a need or a one-off scenario. It confirms that we are on the right track and not losing our minds because we have a grain of doubt.

There is a turning point.

Sometimes, we feel like we can’t move forward without the validation of others, and at times controls our perception of self-worth.

The validation we enjoy can shift to a dependency.

For anxiously attached individuals, the shift seems more prevalent because it is expressed more and is rooted in fears that can go away when the proper work is complete.

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Cure the wound

We know that anxiety does not come with an easy cure. It can hit you from nowhere, and a calm moment can seemingly blow up or resurface a preexisting issue.

When the anxiously attached individual, it feels like you are hitting the restart button during these times.

The first reason anxiously attached individuals seek validation is to create consistency in their lives.

No, that does not mean you are a sloppy mess and incapable of creating consistency for yourself.

When we feel like we are hitting the reset button on a negative experience or a trauma we feel like we have processed and cured, it feels like we are unraveling.

You feel weak, and it seems like you are in a mental headspace that only you are experiencing.

Receiving validation from a partner alleviates the guilt for “letting” it resurface.

That logic is backward because when an issue resurfaces, allowing it into your space is one of the first pieces of the resolution.

It is good to recognize patterns, but you should focus on your reaction to the problem.

When we feel overwhelmed, we turn to our partners, and that is when it can turn into a dependency.

“When I go through a rough patch, my partner will make me feel better.”

When we create security in others instead of creating a pathway to self-soothe and regulate, we have turned a healthy outlet into a dependency.

Snowball

Relying on our partner for internal security snowballs directly into the second reason-anxiously attached individuals crave validation.

Since anxiously attached individuals fear rejection and abandonment, there can be a need for constant reassurance.

You’ll see this in new relationships, where the mystery of the unknown is not a comforting space for the anxiously attached.

Sometimes, the mystery and unknown can create a healthy fire in a relationship, but if it goes unchecked, it can turn ugly.

In existing relationships, the known can turn into an issue, too. If you do not have a healthy perception of self-worth, doubts about your partner’s interest in you can arise.

When you hear that you are needy, it is the cycle of your partner feeling like they have to continuously prove themselves.

I understand that sometimes doubts creep into our mind and we want to feel comfortable presenting it to our partner and receiving a small message back to validate or positively invalidate us.

When this goes unchecked, you can slowly push your partner away. It tells them their words don’t carry much weight and they constantly have to fill in the voids you momentarily feel.

Safe space

Validation creates a safe space for us. It might feel like it, but it’s not only anxiously attached individuals feeling this way.

That’s the good news.

The unfortunate news develops when we don’t feel safe unless we receive validation from others.

Yes, there is a difference.

When you rely on others for validation to feel safe, you will push until you receive it. Again, it comes off as needy.

When you don’t receive validation, it creates a wound twice as big. Your perception of self-worth takes a hit, and the trust you feel in the people around you or your partner does too.

Now you’re dependent on others for safety.

It balloons.

At one point you were looking for a one-off comment or action that would have helped you self-soothe and regulate your emotions, but now it has spiraled into searching for a safe space.

It can turn into a dark space quickly.

The anxious mind can spiral quickly and this is why it appears that reliance on validation is a trait associated with anxiously attached individuals.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my offering click here or book a 1-hour 1:1 session (100/hr) here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. Here. or email me at [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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