I’m a Radical Feminist, but I Also Experience Internalised Misogyny

Internalised misogyny usually manifests in trashing other women, but in my experience, it can be trashing yourself, too.

While towards other women, I genuinely support their endeavours and admit to them whenever I have internally misogynistic thoughts so they can correct me, deep inside, I felt insecure about being “too feminine”.

I felt guilty about pursuing traditionally feminine hobbies despite really loving them in a vacuum; thinking about what these activities say about me as a person brings about immense guilt. I loved sewing, writing, and human-centred work, yet I hated that I loved them.

I tried to push myself into traditionally masculine pursuits despite really hating it. Being surrounded by disempowered women and, in contrast, looking up to empowered men made me want to take some of that power for myself.

I took up commitments and lifestyle choices that made me feel like I was putting on another person’s skin: I did not wear makeup out of guilt despite loving it. I avoided wearing skirts out of shame. I majored in something that I thought would make people around me respect me. I even befriended grind set sigma males who do not see value in my genuine interests.

For a long time in my life, I was constantly miserable because I thought that you are only doing something right if you suffer. But now I realise that pointless suffering doesn’t necessarily have a meaning: it could just be pointless.

A friend told me, rather scathingly:

“Try as hard as you can to be a man, and you’ll only look ridiculous, like a dog barking on all fours. You are not a dog. Get off your knees and stand up.”

Due to internalised misogyny, I associated masculinity with value. I wanted respect, growing up in a patriarchal society devoid of it for women. And the only model I had for achieving that goal was to ascend above my permanently “inferior” social role.

The most common advice for overcoming internalised misogyny is to educate yourself. I have read Andrea Dworkin, Simone de Beauvoir, Catherine MacKinnon, Germaine Greer, and almost any other feminist perspective I could understand. Yet intellectual awareness does not provide a solution for deep, ingrained, and unfulfilled emotional needs.

I was raised entirely by my mother, who had to act as a substitute father figure on behalf of my absent father. My mother had to act like a man, perhaps due to a survival mechanism. We grew up in a conservative region of an already very conservative country, leading to an extremely patriarchal environment. Her parents cut her hair short as a child because they wanted a son and got her instead.

Growing up, she often scolded me for crying, having learned through experience that displays of emotions made one look weak and susceptible to being abused. She taught me to be “strong” to protect ourselves from external harm. And to be strong, you must be emotionally distant and dedicate your life purely to practical, money-making pursuits. You have to rule by fear instead of love.

I felt a constant opposition between my atelic pursuits (activities that make me happy at the moment) and telic goals (the end outcome I aspire to reach) — engaging in traditionally feminine pursuits and roles makes me happy. Yet, my end goal is to achieve the respect “alpha” males get from society, which, being antithetical to my personality traits, brings about shame due to its seeming impossibility.

If living according to how others around us act is conformism, then living according to how you are expected to act is totalitarianism. We live in a society of self-imposed totalitarianism, where we actively embrace often self-defeating impositions to chase some semblance of social acceptance and validation.

Not until we build a society where we do not measure people up based on superficial values such as industriousness and machoism are we going to end up with well-meaning people who inadvertently end up self-flagellating due to an inability to fit in within the dominant value system.

While internalised misogyny can look like shaming other women for things we would not criticise men for, it can also look like internalising the male gaze and making disparaging remarks about one’s own body.

Internalised misogyny can look like bringing other women down in a competitive professional setting and vying for the attention of men. But it can also manifest as making self-deprecating remarks based on gender stereotypes.

Internalised misogyny can look like justifying abuse of other women (“No wonder that happened to her look at the way she is dressed!”), but it can also look like justifying mistreatment towards yourself (“It was my fault that he groped me.”)

Internalised misogyny doesn’t always have to be aimed at other women. You are a woman, too.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

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