What This Indigenous American Ritual Can Teach Us About Dating & Relationships

Imagine living in a world where you and your soulmate have your own language that no one else can understand. You would be able to flirt discreetly while the rest of the world is none the wiser.

“Meet me in the garden where we shared our first kiss at midnight,” you could tell her right in front of her family, and no one but her would have any idea what you just said.

This thrillingly romantic situation isn’t as far from fiction as you might imagine.

The Kickapoo people reside in both the United States and Mexico today.

A series of treaties caused them to separate into different groups, with some planting their roots in Mexico in defiance of American authority.

The tribes residing in Mexico have a very interesting courtship ritual involving a whistle that can only be understood by the couple using it:

“[T]he young adults in town engage in what they called ‘courtship whistling.’ Each young couple shares a distinct whistle known only between each other, as distinct as the individual tones someone uses to talk. The whistling is a form of communication between couples to verify when they will meet up in the evening. This was done formerly through the use of a flute, but since 1915 the courtship whistle has been used.” — Milwaukee Public Museum

Photo set “Courtship Whistling” courtesy of the Milwaukee Public Museum

This means that every couple in the tribe essentially has their own language.

Just think about how intensely intimate that can be.

You and your partner take the time to build a language together, and the two of you are the only ones in the world able to understand it.

Creating the language is a collaborative effort that brings you closer together. On top of that, that language itself is a secret that everyone in the village can hear, but it’s meant for — and understood by — no one but the two of you. How romantic is that?

The most intimate relationships all have elements of this “shared secret language” concept.

When you build a relationship together with mutual respect and admiration, you begin to develop an unspoken understanding of each other’s wants and needs. You begin to make inside jokes together that no one else can get. You begin to respond to each other in ways no one else can.

Photo “Basket Weaving” courtesy of Milwaukee Public Museum

It’s as if you share a secret language with each other.

Such a concept manifesting as a cultural practice of musical whistles is nothing short of beautiful.

You can bring more intimacy into your dating and relationships by applying this concept in a few different ways.

Even if you meet someone for the very first time (e.g. through an approach), you can create a funny or unique moment that you can call back on as an inside joke the next time you see them.

I’ve found that one of the best ways to achieve this is by simply allowing awkward moments to be awkward in all their glory.

A word came out wrong because you were nervous? Bring attention to it so you can laugh about it together.

A woman once thanked me for pulling a chair out for her, and my brain was telling me to say “You’re welcome” and “No problem” simultaneously. What came out was “Your problem.” That turned into an amazing inside joke between us after laughing about my brain fart!

You don’t even need to make any complex communication patterns to create this sort of effect.

Even if you do nothing but lean in to whisper into the ear of someone you’re interested in, you still create a tiny intimate “Us vs. the world” sort of bubble, especially if you’re in a crowded place like a bar.

Image by freepik

“In a loud venue, it can be socially expected to lean in close to speak or whisper directly in her ear after brushing her hair back with your hand. Even if the environment isn’t loud, you can lean in to speak quietly, close to her ear, if you want to tell her something that other people have no business hearing. As a side note, keeping tidbits of communication just between you and her, while the rest of the world has no idea, can be a powerful tool that creates an ‘Us versus the rest of the world’ dynamic…”
— Excerpt from Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide on How to Attract and Be Loved by Women

So, the next time you’re trying to get closer to that potentially special someone, or the next time you’re spending time with that already-special someone, remember the Kickapoo.

Create moments that only the two of you will understand.

Create a secret together.

Whistle at them. The Kickapoo way.

In what ways have you shared a secret language with a lover? Tell me your experiences in the comments!

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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Escape the Act Like a Man Box

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race

The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow

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Photo credit: iStock.com