Remembering My Father

When my father passed away in December 2019 due to cardiac arrest, it completely shifted my understanding of grief. I realized that you don’t move past it — you go through it, and you continue to go through it, like paddling a canoe through a muddied river. Sometimes you’re sailing smoothly, and other times, you get stuck in the mud. Mourning takes different forms for everyone. I wanted to share what brought me comfort.

How I Found Out My Father Was No More

I was working in Gurugram at the time. That weekend, I went to visit my sister in Delhi. Late at night, around 11:30 PM on Saturday, December 21, 2019, my sister received a call from my brother. He told her, “Father is not feeling well, and we need to come home urgently by tomorrow morning.”

At around 1 AM, I left Delhi for home with my brother, sister, and her two kids. It was an extremely cold night, and the weather was foggy. Normally, the drive to my hometown takes about four hours, but that night, it took more than five. We finally reached home at around 6 AM.

When I entered the house, I heard my mother screaming, and everyone else was crying. My mother eventually managed to say, “Your father is dead,” due to cardiac arrest the night before.

Hearing those words, I felt an immense heartache. I kept repeating in my head, “My father is dead.” My face was soaked with tears, my throat was sore from crying, and my head throbbed with pain. My mother held me and assured me it would be okay, but I felt otherwise.

During the Funeral

During my father’s funeral, I was in complete shock. All I could hear were screams and cries of sorrow. At one point, I looked around and saw over a hundred people who shared the same grief. I closed my eyes and slowly opened them again, hoping someone would tell me this was just a terrible dream. But it wasn’t — it was reality.

Externally, I may have seemed composed, but internally, I felt like I was dying. When they took him for cremation, I cried so hard I thought I would vomit. That was the moment I truly understood he was gone forever. My body felt like it was breaking down.

Reflections on My Family

My mother and all my siblings were crying, but I especially felt for my grandfather in that moment. He lost his firstborn son at just 53 years old, and I lost my father. My grandfather was 72 years old at the time; now he is 77. He’s had a tough life. My grandmother also passed away in January 2018.

Despite his losses, my grandfather remains a tough, wonderful, and inspiring man.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

How I Processed Grief

After my father passed away, I became, for a time, someone I did not recognize. Entire weeks felt lost to me, scooped out of my once airtight memory.

I informed my manager, Deepika Ma’am, about my father’s passing. Everyone at the office was very supportive; they told me, “Take as much time as you need.” I took some time off and later returned to work.

After that, I became very close to my mother. I started calling her multiple times a day to check on her.

Then, in mid-March 2020, the first wave of COVID-19 hit, and the lockdown began. I started working from home, and since then, I have continued to work remotely. Spending time with my family has been the greatest joy during this period.

However, I had to remind myself that feeling guilty was not productive. I realized that guilt is an emotion that drains you and doesn’t help you heal. Death is always sad, no matter who we lose. Losing a father, however, makes you more responsible and humble because you are all they’ve left behind.

I never imagined I would have to live the rest of my life without my father. I can’t call him when I’m struggling to make a decision or feeling stressed. I can’t thank him for everything he did for us. I can’t repay him for the sacrifices he made for our family. He won’t be there to walk me down the aisle when I get married one day.

I used to be so deeply afraid of my emotions that I tried to hide them from others and even from myself. That fear broke me. I stored those feelings away and dealt with them alone. But when I began accepting and embracing my emotions, it allowed me to form deeper, more open human connections.

The friends who stand by you in your lowest moments are the ones who will stay with you forever. The people who love you for your emotions truly understand you and will support you no matter what. Keep those people close to your heart.

I now understand happiness and gratitude more profoundly because I’ve experienced sadness and loss. It’s not just sadness we feel more deeply when we’re emotional — we feel everything more intensely.

I’m constantly pushing myself to improve, to become a better person, and to be kind to everyone. I want to move with purpose and live a life that would make both my family and myself proud.

How My Father Was

My father went to school for only three years before he had to support his family by working in the agricultural fields because that was the only way to survive.

He could read Hindi and loved reading newspapers. He was interested in politics and spirituality. Besides farming, he worked as a laborer, made bricks, and sold fruits, vegetables, and juice.

He ensured that we received a good education because he didn’t have the opportunity to get the education he needed. He worked incredibly hard — I never saw him resting or sleeping during the day.

He was a pillar of support, encouragement, and strength. His work ethic taught me the importance of hard work and dedication in achieving one’s goals while maintaining a positive attitude. His selfless sacrifices for our family showed his love for us and his concern for our well-being and happiness.

One of my favorite memories of him is what he used to say whenever I got sick (I have a weak immune system): “Health is wealth. You need to take care of your body first. If you have good health, you can achieve anything in life.”

I believe every father is a hero, and mine was no exception. He was my unsung hero, and I miss him deeply.

Jamie Cirello

“You will always be in my heart… because in there you’re still alive.”

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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