The Many Things a Narcissist Steals From You

Relationship with a narcissist in a nutshell: You will go from being the perfect love of their life to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give everything and they will take it all and give you less and less in return. You will end up depleted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially, and then get blamed for it. ~ Bree Bonchay

Even if they never take so much as a dollar from your wallet, you can bet that all narcissists are thieves. Here’s what they steal:

They steal your confidence. You come into the relationship or job full of hope and positive energy. You are love-bombed at first and you feel great. But soon enough, the devaluing starts. You thought the narcissist appreciated your competence, your intelligence, your creativity, your humor, your looks, so why are these now being criticized? You, as a thoughtful, empathic person, take what the narcissist says seriously. They tell you that you are too self-centered, and you check yourself, wondering if it’s true. They mock your intelligence, your clothes, your hair, your weight. They listen inattentively or not at all. You begin to wonder why you ever thought you had any value. If they do their work effectively, they have stolen your confidence.

They steal your ideas. With good intent you share ideas and inspirations, only to find the narcissist trying to beat you to the punch, or claiming them as their own. Whether it is a narcissistic sibling “claiming” your proposed baby name for their own child, a narcissistic friend who just “happened” to have the same idea for a TikTok video and rushed to get it out first, or the classic narcissistic boss claiming credit for your plan, you can bet that a narcissist doesn’t care if they actually had the idea themselves, as long as they can get credit for it. Because they are inherently lazy and believe the world owes them acclaim, they have no problem stealing your ideas.

They steal your attention. Grandiose narcissists use “look at me” tactics while the covert ones complain and share their tales of woe. The communal narcissist gets attention from doing good deeds and giving money, and the generational by asserting the privilege of age or family position. However they do it, you can get that narcissists of all stripes will make sure to gather well more than their share of your (and other’s) interest and care. By stealing your attention, they drain the energy you might have used for your own pursuits, concerns, projects, family, friends, and self.

They steal your trust. Because they typically lie, gaslight, cheat, and hide their true selves from you and the world in many ways, narcissists leave us not knowing who and when to trust. If you’re like most targets of narcissistic abuse, you probably score higher than average in things like loyalty and honesty. This makes it hard to get your head around the fact that someone like a narcissist can look you in the eye and lie with impunity. Because they do so with such ease and tend to be quite believable, they steal your trust.

They steal your empathy. In order to get free of a narcissist, you have to be willing to create some distance from them. You may need to go “no contact” or “grey rock” them. It may not be strategic or even safe to disclose what you are thinking or planning. This often goes very much against the grain of the kind, empathetic people narcissists tend to target. More likely, you want to sit down and explain. To give them another chance, to see the good in them, to be understanding. And yet, all too often the more you do so, the worse it gets. We simply can’t deal with narcissists with the same level of empathy as we do with healthy people. And thus, they steal your empathy.

They steal your joy. Because they must control, dominate, and manipulate you, and are inherently unhappy themselves, narcissists will kill anything that makes you feel happy or free. In fact, if they can stomp on your happiness and contentment and self-esteem, it is highly rewarding to them. Their fractured souls need others to put down so they can feel higher themselves. Stealing your joy is an excellent way to do this.

And sometimes, they steal your stuff, too.

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This post was previously published on butnowiknowyourname.wordpress.com and is republished on Medium.

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