3 Secrets Your Dismissive Avoidant Partner Is Scared to Express to You

Have you ever wanted to trade shoes with your dismissive, avoidant partner to understand what’s happening inside their head?

I understand. It feels like your partner’s logic is so far in opposition to yours that you’ll never be on the same page.

What if I told you that wasn’t necessarily true?

People fail to understand that their partner is in a state of mind where their thoughts, behaviors, and characteristics need reframing.

Yes. Your partner might be on the opposite side of the spectrum for now.

We get this idea that people are so far on the other side of the fence than us they’re incapable of change.

That is not true.

I get it. You feel like you are bobbing and weaving through every defense your avoidant partner throws at you when triggered, and it becomes exhausting.

Change your perspective and open your eyes to the lens your avoidant partner is going through.

Quick disclaimer. I do not write for people who are not actively working on transforming their attachment style.

I can help, through coaching, get your partner on board to make the change.

Changing your perspective begins with understanding the internal battle your partner is facing and opening your mind. Thoughts they might not be comfortable sharing give light to their actions.

The shakes

When you are dating an avoidant, it feels like there is a hesitation to gain their full commitment.

Avoidants, generally, take time to fully engage and then commit to the bond you are forming.

Sometimes, you are actively in a relationship with an avoidant and can still face this scenario.

It feels odd. You are acting like two people in a relationship, but it feels like a piece missing to completing the puzzle.

Deep down, your avoidant partner fears that they are getting too close to you and feels vulnerable, which is an ultimate fear of theirs.

The result is pushing the perceived source away, you.

Your avoidant partner is scared to tell you you’re not the problem. They are overwhelmed with the feeling of exposing themselves to what a deep bond and connection means.

Peeling back the onion and exposing items that make them feel vulnerable is terrifying.

I reiterate this point all the time. Vulnerability feels empowering for others, but it is a terrifying thought for your partner.

Your partner does not want to relive those past experiences that created the person they are, so they suppress the importance of those past events.

That is why it feels like your partner won’t open up and be expressive. They feel weak.

Push

Yes. We are beating a dead horse and addressing the avoidant pull away.

It feels personal, it feels like rejection, and it feels like your partner could care less about you.

Remember, we are talking to avoidants actively working on their attachment style.

Your partner is pulling away because they are overwhelmed.

When others think about being overwhelmed, the last thing they can think of is holding their feelings in and not expressing them.

Guess what?

Your partner does not know what emotions they are feeling. They are overwhelmed with the byproduct of emotions.

For example, your partner could be stressed out and frustrated, but they don’t know that’s what they’re feeling. They ingest the byproduct of stress and frustration: quick to anger, fatigued, etc.

Your partner is overwhelmed by those byproducts but has not registered the emotion on the front end.

What happens next? They pull away because they don’t want to present the weight of their feelings toward you.

Your partner backs away because they want to resolve the problem independently without relying on their partner.

I know what you’re going to say.

Tunde, I am there as an ear and shoulder to lean on for my partner. They won’t accept it.

I understand where you’re coming from, but remember to remove your lens from understanding your partner’s experience.

Riding a bike

Do you remember the first time you were able to ride a bike? Remember the first time you could ride a bike without training wheels? Everyone else was doing it, but you were terrified because all you remember is falling.

Your partner wants to change, but their mind reverts to thinking they will fail.

Dismissive avoidants have a fear of high expectations. Either one they can’t meet or one that will cause turmoil in the relationship if they fail.

When you observe your partner and think they resist change, it’s time to reframe your logic.

Your partner fears that they face riding a bike and they will fall off.

You can encourage them to ride the bike, but that is not the dilemma they are facing.

It is unnatural, and your view should revolve around their starting point vs. yours.

It might be easy for you to express emotions and thoughts before they are overwhelming.

It might be easy for you to build trust and see the value in a deep connection and bond without needing ages for it to develop.

Your partner is taking on a new challenge. The last thing they need is a partner pushing them instead of supporting them.

After all, what happens when you push? They pull…Away.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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