“It Was Just A Joke” Or Was It?

As humor is often used to mask honesty, jokes have become a socially acceptable way for people to express what they are really thinking, especially when they don’t want to confront something directly. Therefore, if people always tease you about something, it might be worth paying attention, especially if, even though you laugh along with their jokes about you, you still get this nagging sense that something is not quite right.

“Hey, relax I was just joking”

Jokes are a window into truth because people say things in jest that they wouldn’t dare come outright and say, and humor gives the perfect cover. And if you do get upset, they can always fall back on a “hey, relax I was just joking.”

The truth is, however, unending “jokes” about the same topic should tell you there is something deeper than that, like jealousy, resentment, an unspoken issue they don’t have the guts to address directly, etc.

Either way, you need to pay attention because:

Not all teasings are harmless, and there is one clear difference between playful banter and masked criticism: playful is light and doesn’t leave you questioning your worth, while disguised digs have a pattern and always hit a sore spot, leaving you wondering if there is actually truth behind them.
For instance, if someone keeps making the same joke about what they estimate to be your level of intelligence, you better start asking yourself why they keep bringing it up.
If your friends always tease you about something, it is worth paying attention because every pattern contains a message. You are, however, not required to overanalyze every joke. Just take note of constant repetitions like if someone jokingly but consistently frames you as, say, irresponsible, it is not an accident.

“If your friends always tease you about something, it might be worth paying attention because every pattern contains a message.”

How to handle it

There are a few effective ways to handle the situation when you catch onto someone’s true feelings that are hiding behind their supposed humor:

Call it out directly: ask them point-blank if that is how they actually feel because you have noticed they joke about whatever it is a lot, and then watch their reaction.
In such a case, if I see them, for instance, getting defensive, attempting to laugh it off, or even doubling down on the joke, it tells me there was some truth behind it. However, if they seem genuinely surprised by my question and try to clarify that they didn’t mean anything by it, I take it as harmless humor. You know, benefit of the doubt and all that. The point is, their response will give you an insight into whether their jokes were just jokes or a mask for something serious.
Flip the script: this involves teasing them back in the same tone again, letting their responses tell you everything.
You learn two things by putting them in the same position they put you: if they laugh along, they might have just been joking harmlessly; if they get irritated, it means their original jokes weren’t just jokes! Their humor was some passive-aggressive way of saying things they didn’t have the guts to say directly.
Set and enforce boundaries: As you don’t owe anyone a laugh at your expense, let them know that you no longer find whatever it is funny. That it is time to move on. If they won’t respect that, then perhaps it is time to ask yourself why you keep them around.

“However, if they seem genuinely surprised by my question and try clarify they didn’t mean anything by it, I take it as harmless humor.”

No doubt jokes can be a double-edged sword: harmless fun (especially if they are reciprocal), but on the flip side, they can also be mean-spirited, serious but disguised digs. Therefore, you cannot afford to ignore what some people repeatedly laugh about when it comes to you because it is most likely their real thoughts slipping through.

And hanging around with people who can only express their true feelings through veiled humor, then you must begin to question whether their presence in your life is really a laughing matter.

“As you don’t owe anyone a laugh at your expense, let them know that you no longer find whatever it is funny.”

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***