Reasons Marriage Might Seem Scary to Modern Women

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My parents have been married for over two decades and they are still basking in the euphoria of love and that should be a perfect example of what being married looks like right?

I watch them have their differences and settle it but in my heart I still feel like that’s the way they see things in their prime and the world was far better then from what it is now. None of their decisions is always easy to consume and overlook they way they do.

They were even trained to always settle for whatever they see in their husband home because of long life and everlasting commitment and vows they made in church or mosques.

In a world now full of patriachy and feminist are being misunderstood, women don’t want to settle for less and we want to have our voice too, marriage seems scary!

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Marriage has become gambling

You’re gambling that your love for the person you marry will continue to grow and adapt as your partner grows and adapts. It’s up to you how to handle the change, but it’s still scary nonetheless.

“I only want to do this once” is a common word when deciding to choose a partner and in reality marriage is just like throwing a dice hoping you will throw a double six. I understand that divorce is part of reality, and that plenty of people have no other choice, and that sometimes, it’s a necessary part of life.

But I want to do everything I can to avoid any possibility of that. I want to be with one person for my whole life. Honestly there’s no guarantee.

You can do everything in your power to work on your marriage and make sure it lasts, but there’s no Magic 8 ball that can tell you whether or not your marriage will make it. You just have to take a leap of faith and gamble maybe we will win.

The part patriarchy has eaten our husbands up and they refused to make little sacrifices

“You have to be selfless” they say because you are the woman. And that’s really, really hard. It’s easy to say the words and remind yourself of them all the time: “Be selfless. Put the other person first. Make it a team effort, not an individual effort.” But actually putting those words into action is the hard part.

I understand the concept that marriage means sacrifice. But it scares me to know there are things I’m going to have to do that I won’t want to do, in order to make my marriage work.

I know that may mean moving to a new place, or putting his career in front of my own sometimes. Asking him before making any decisions and this took me back to a story I wrote previously where “pink tax” also apply to our lives.

We tend to pay higher price for everything and even in our marriage.

You will, at times, have to carry a burden that is not your own and worry about how I’ll handle that. Marriage is always about give and take. It’s about balance and sharing the challenges and working together. Sometimes one person is weak and the other person will have to be the one to carry all the strain which eventually falls on the woman.

In a scenario where he looses his job, society expect me to be there for him emotionally and if I am working, I am expected to even provide financially. If I was to be the victim, he might say “why are you even doing the job in the first place when I’m the one providing and the head of the family”. Then nothing changes.

However, when I’m going through something, will my future husband be there to help me carry the load? And I know that when he’s under stress, I will want to do everything I can to help him but will he do the same? I just sometimes worry that my strength will not be reciprocated and my little sacrifices will not count.

Does good marriage really exist?

I’ve seen some really rough marriages. Some from people I’m related to. Some from my recently married friends and my friends’ parents. And, of course, the celebrity marriages that are reported on incessantly, that we can’t seem to stop reading about.

I’ve seen how a marriage can destroy a person, and take everything out of them. I’ve watched people turn miserable and hopeless. I’ve seen people become shells of themselves. You always think “that won’t be me” or “ it can never be me” but it’s still hard knowing that it’s a possibility and it happens to real people just like you!

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However, I have also seen what it takes to have a good marriage. I’ve been lucky enough to have an incredible example of a strong marriage from my parents, but it still looks harder than anything else I could imagine. Their relationship is so solid and strong and incredible.

But I’ve seen them both make some really, really tough sacrifices for each other in order to get it that way or even divorce each other. They had to make a lot of decisions that weren’t easy. They were no-brainers of course, but that doesn’t mean they were easy.

Yes! Good marriages really exist but we might need to make really tough decisions to be able to have one to ourselves even though there are no magic or manual to having a perfect home and marriage.

The Bottom Line

Although getting comfortable with someone can be wonderful, but also very, very scary. They know everything about you. The passion is still there, but it doesn’t feel like this all-consuming, head-over-heels, can-barely-breathe-or-think kind of love that occurs during courtship.

Marriage is more of a solid, dependable, deep, genuine kind of love. Which I know I want. But still, it’s scary to know that once you get married, you will never experience that falling-in-love-with-someone-new thing ever again

I have to trust someone. I have to count on someone. I have to love them at their worst. I have to stick to my partner when things are ugly instead of romantic. I have to ensure that we can rely on one another through anything. Which is at once everything I want and simultaneously the scariest thing in the world.

I don’t want to screw it up. When it comes to marriage, there is an abundance of ways you can screw it up.

I’m scared of getting married because, in this world, loving someone enough to marry them means trusting them with your life. It’s beyond being romantic, getting gifts and having a big wedding party!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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