How to Know You’re in a Relationship With the Wrong Person

Love is so lovely — until it is not. We’ve all done it: when you find yourself wondering if the person you are with is truly who you’re supposed to be with. Perhaps it’s the voice in your head, perhaps it’s a series of red flags you have been pushing under the carpet.

Whatever it is, you receive a sense of unease in your stomach that something is amiss. But how do you know for certain? How do you distinguish between run-of-the-mill relationship problems and the telltale signs you are with the wrong person?

Let’s begin with the cruel reality: occasionally love simply won’t do. You may adore someone with your entire heart and soul, create amazing memories, and yet remain in a relationship that isn’t best for you.

The trick is to watch out for the signs — not always the obvious ones, but the small, stealthy habits that sneak up on you and nick your happiness and self-esteem.

The 90/10 Rule: How the 10% Steals the Show

One of the best indicators you’re with the wrong person is what relationship coach Jillian Turecki refers to as the “90/10 rule.” Your relationship will be 90% great when you first begin.

You’re on the same wavelength, you can laugh together, and the chemistry is incredible. But that other 10%? That’s where the issues are. Perhaps it’s a communication issue, not being emotionally available, or a quirk that keeps you on your toes.

Here’s the twist: that 10% has a way of becoming the 90% later on. That first little irritation or little red flag can be the earmark of your relationship. Jillian relates her own experience of marrying a man who appeared perfect on the outside, but soon discovered the 10% of their relationship that was the problem — his shutdown and stonewalling in conflict — became the norm.

Stonewalling, or freezing out when you disagree, is especially poisonous. It puts up a wall between couples, isolating one and leaving them unheard. If you find yourself tip-toeing all the time, afraid to bring up problems because your partner will get defensive or shut down, it’s a sign your relationship is not emotionally safe enough to ride out in the long run.

The Danger of Ignoring Red Flags

We’ve all done it: ignoring a red flag because the rest of the relationship is otherwise awesome. Maybe your boyfriend’s a bit dismissive or wishy-washy, but you’re rationalizing it by thinking, “Nobody’s perfect.” Or they’re flashing some control moves, but you’re excusing it as them just “caring so much.”

The worst thing about ignoring red flags is that they won’t remain small. Whatever you don’t address in a relationship in the first place will be the same problem that will kill you down the line, Jillian’s caution warns.

If you are constantly making excuses for what your partner does and sacrificing your own emotional needs in order not to fight, then you need to ask yourself whether such a relationship will ultimately be good for you.

The Pattern of Childhood

How we learn to connect as children determines how we connect as adults. If you grew up in an atmosphere of toxic communication or conditional love, then you are likely re-creating that in your relationship.

Jillian explains how her parents’ unhealthy relationship and her father’s unaddressed bipolar disorder instilled a lifelong people-pleasing and conflict-avoidance habit in her. These patterns manifested in her marriage, where she refused to work through things in an attempt not to rupture, and the marriage disintegrated.

The good news is that awareness is the first step toward changing behavior. If you can perceive how your childhood is influencing your relationship behaviors, then you are in a position to start making some new choices — choices that sustain your emotional health and prime you for better partnerships.

The Importance of Accountability

One of the most critical factors in a successful relationship is accountability. Both partners need to be willing to take responsibility for their actions, communicate openly, and work through challenges together. If you’re in a relationship where your partner refuses to acknowledge their role in conflicts or consistently shifts blame onto you, it’s a major red flag.

Jillian emphasizes that accountability isn’t just about admitting fault — it’s about being willing to grow and change. A partner who truly values the relationship will be open to feedback and committed to improving themselves for the sake of the partnership.

If you’re with someone who refuses to take accountability, it’s a sign that the relationship may be one-sided and ultimately unsustainable.

The Fear of Being Alone

Let’s be honest: one of the biggest reasons people stay in unhealthy relationships is the fear of being alone. This fear can be especially intense if you’re worried about your biological clock, societal expectations, or the stigma of being single later in life.

But staying in a relationship out of fear is a recipe for long-term unhappiness. As Jillian notes, it’s essential to build a life that feels fulfilling on your own, independent of a romantic partner. When you’re secure in yourself and your ability to meet your own needs, you’re far less likely to settle for a relationship that doesn’t truly serve you.

The Power of Beliefs

The way we think about love and relationships plays a huge role in the partner we end up with and the kind of relationship we are in. What you believe, for example, that you are not worthy of love or that men/women are a certain way, will determine your reality.

Jillian invites you to wear your self-limiting beliefs and ask yourself if they’re working for you. So, for instance, if you believe that all men are emotionally unavailable, you may unconsciously seek out emotionally unavailable partners.

By changing your beliefs and being open to other potentialities, you can free yourself from these self-fulfilling prophecies and establish better relationship habits.

The Bottom Line

Dating the wrong person is like attempting to insert a square peg into a round hole. You can love and do everything you can, but some relationships are not going to last. It’s simply a matter of trusting your intuition, respecting your requirements, and having enough strength to leave when it is not working.

Recall love is intended to be empowering, supportive, and safe. It’s time to re-do it if that doesn’t seem to be the case. As Jillian would say in her own lovely words, “You have to be the change you want to see in your love life.”

If you focus on keeping yourself fed and growing, you create the foundation of a relationship more befitting of you and that which you’re worthy of.

Then breathe deeply, believe in yourself, and believe that someone is out there somewhere, but you first have to let go of the wrong person.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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