Seducing Women Is About Giving, Not Taking

Asa men’s dating coach, I talk a lot about the importance of mindset. The way you think, the beliefs you hold, the attitudes you adopt: these all affect the words we say and the way we behave involuntarily.

Therefore, having the mindset of a master seducer will lead you to involuntarily talking and behaving like a master seducer. This means seduction eventually becomes effortless if you invest in that inner game.

I have previously written about how something called “rape culture” puts men in the wrong mindset when it comes to seduction and dating:

I’ll sum up some of the main points for context:

If your modus operandi in seduction is based on the assumption that the man’s role is to blast past a woman’s defenses and that the woman’s role is to guard her sex as if it were some kind of nonrenewable commodity, you’re making things harder for yourself.
Acknowledging that patriarchy has forced women to suppress their natural sexual desires and expressions — and that she isn’t some prize to be conquered — allows you to adopt a psychological frame much more conducive to a smooth seduction.

Rape culture (the societal narrative stemming from the assumption in the first bullet point above) not only reinforces an oppressive social script, but also leads to ineffective approaches in your attempts to seduce or “game” women. This is because it makes you think that trying to have sex with a woman is trying to take something from her.*

*Evolutionary theories from past pioneers like David M. Buss made us think that this narrative is natural, that it’s just the way things are supposed to be. Disregarding the plethora of more recent science suggesting otherwise, it’s still a moot point for reasons I’ve already laid out in the linked article above.

The way that most of the seduction literature out there is written doesn’t help, either. Pickup artists (PUAs) and “red pill” content creators frame most of their stuff in that same way.

Let’s take one of the core skills taught by PUAs as an example: creating sexual tension through sexual state projection.

Sexual state is just a nerdier way of saying sexual arousal. If you’re turned on, you’re in “sexual state.” Many seduction methods rely on putting yourself in sexual state and allowing basic emotional transference to do its thing. Whether you prefer a metaphysical explanation of aura or a scientific explanation of mirror neurons, the fact of the matter remains that any emotion felt strongly by one person will also be felt by whomever that person is interacting with. Emotions are contagious, and sexual arousal is no different.

Pickup artists say that you can get into sexual state by visualizing sexual acts with someone while you’re talking to them. I have expanded on this in my own work to include other mental stimuli depending on if you’re a more auditory or kinesthetic learner in accordance with neurolinguistic programming theories.

The traditional theory of “solid game” that builds upon a couple of schools of thought in the seduction community is that, as long as you’ve made a woman feel comfortable and attracted to you first, the transference of sexual state will happen unimpeded. Other camps that focus more on sexualization methods will essentially advocate for an escalation of sexual state to be used as a method of comfort-building and attraction itself rather than seeing “Comfort,” “Attraction,” and “Seduction” as distinct, linear phases.

Stripped down to its fundamental elements, there doesn’t seem to be anything about sexual state projection that perpetuates rape culture or the mindset of taking something from women. It’s just about consciously utilizing the natural process of empathy, after all.

However, all of these flirting techniques are generally framed around a context of conquest, like they’re discussing a key to a lock guarded by women. It’s clear to anyone reading their content that they see sex as the prize, that it’s all about getting sex from women.

A 50-year old man’s breakthrough

I recently had a call with a client who really struggled with grasping these sexualization methods.

It wasn’t because he was too stupid to understand mirror neurons or anything like that; in fact, that sort of scientific language was entirely in his wheelhouse.

As a more mature 50-year old man, he just didn’t get why it was so important for all these writers on the forums to prioritize sex so much. He echoed my sentiments of seeing sex as just one potential manifestation of intimacy out of many. He clearly defined his priority as getting to that broader point of intimacy with women, not necessarily just sex.

Therefore, he didn’t feel like using something like sexual state was an authentic expression of himself or his desires, especially considering how such sexualization methods felt like they were about taking something from the woman.

When he read about “techniques” to get into sexual state like visualizing sexual acts, he automatically framed it in his mind that it’s about taking sex from her, just as the other writers and coaches were framing it.

However, he had a breakthrough when I asked him to visualize it in a different way.

I asked him to visualize giving pleasure to a woman instead. I asked him to imagine exploring all the ways that he can make her feel good. I asked him to imagine discovering the pathway to giving her an orgasm.

This visualization wasn’t about his own pleasure directly, but of the pleasure he would derive from giving her pleasure.

His eyes lit up.

His jaw was on the floor in disbelief of how no one had ever explained sexual state to him in this way. It’s true. No one else seems to be framing such techniques in this way because so many of us are trapped in the rape culture narrative.

Sex shouldn’t be thought of as conquest. It should be thought of as just one form of intimacy on the spectrum of its many manifestations, as something beautiful shared between two people.

Thankfully, this ended up being the one falling domino that cascaded into fixing so many problems the client was having with seduction.

Whether it’s about sexual pleasure or any other form of intimacy, focus on your role as a giver.

Such focus works very well for men who see themselves as more selfless, much like my client. It’s also a much more powerful mindset than any selfish “taking” mindset.

What goes around cums around.

Have you noticed how changing the way you think changes the way people respond to you? Tell me your experiences in the comments!

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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