Social scientist and fellow writer Elle Beau recently wrote a little article (link below) in which she talked about how American men these days tend to dress a lot more casually compared to decades past.

She detailed an experience at an upscale restaurant where some patrons (grown men) were wearing backward baseball caps, graphic tees, and cargo shorts. I had a hard time typing that without gagging. Were they wearing Crocs, too? Or maybe socks with sandals?

There was practically a war in her comments section. Half of us were in agreement that it was kind of weird how a lot of Americans lost the sense of dressing context-appropriately, while the other half were raging how it was dumb and elitist to even suggest that people should or shouldn’t dress in any certain way. As a men’s dating coach, I definitely have strong opinions about this, but attire isn’t what this article is actually about.

A lot of people were clearly being very defensive. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when one defensive commenter had a profile picture displaying the exact kind of casual fashion Elle was describing in her article.

THIS article is not about fashion, though.

Dressing down is not the most unattractive thing a man can do. Far from it.

The proof is all around us: how many times have you seen a poorly-dressed man on a date with a gorgeous, well-dressed woman? Although it helps to have good style, many women can still be attracted to you even if you look like crap.

Looks just aren’t as important in female attraction as it is in male attraction. Just compare the fashion and fitness of most gay couples and lesbian couples in terms of conventional standards of attractiveness. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that those “black pill” incels are full of sh*t when they say that ugly straight men are “cooked.”

The actual most unattractive thing a man can do was demonstrated in a lot of the angry comments: being defensive.

Being defensive can even be a greater turn off than desperation.

Most dating advice says that desperation is what turns women off the most, but there are cases where displaying intense desire actually turns them on. That intense desire is sometimes indistinguishable from desperation.

Let’s be super generous to all the other dating coaches out there and say that desperation turns women off 99% of the time.

Being defensive turns women off 100% of the time.

It’s precisely what can be identified as SDE. It makes you look like you’re trying to compensate for something. Someone who is truly confident in themselves would have no reason to be defensive about anything.

If you build walls around yourself, that’s not true strength. True strength is the courage to have no walls, to know with 100% certainty that you’ll be able to handle — or even grow from — any potential attacks. That’s masculine vulnerability. That’s attractive.

However, don’t confuse being defensive with standing up for what’s right.

If you stand up for what’s right with absolute conviction, if you rise to the occasion when your power is actually needed, if you set clear boundaries and refuse to tolerate disrespect, that can actually be quite the panty-dropper.

So, how can you differentiate between standing up for what’s right (which can be attractive), and being defensive (which is repulsive)?

It’s not a fine line. Those two things are very different.

It’s about whether your actions are being motivated by your core values or insecurity.

If you’re acting in alignment with your core values, you’re fighting for ideals that benefit humanity. You’re acting or reacting with compassion and leadership.

If you’re being defensive, you’re overreacting based on unresolved psychological issues.

If you’re a short guy (like me) who reacts to heightism with criticism, there’s a way to appropriately and authentically react with fairness in mind, and a way to overreact with your personal insecurities on full display despite your attempts at masking them. A short man who matured enough to like himself despite his shortness will react very differently from one who still curses the world for the injustices he’s faced for it.

Insecure men aren’t inherently bad or evil.

We all pick up some insecurities as we grow up. We all develop some psychological defense mechanisms at some point.

But maturity calls on us to overcome these things through a process of vulnerability (rather than the old model of masculinity telling us to bottle everything up), and one of the many rewards for doing so is becoming more attractive, especially to women.

Try to develop the habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt before taking anything personally. Once you take that first step, everything else will start falling into place a lot more easily.

Elle Beau ❇︎’s article mentioned:

Why Do So Many Americans Dress So Poorly?

Have you ever overcome an insecurity? How did you do it? 

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This post was previously published on Write A Catalyst.

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