The Limits of Consent

Few men understand the limits of consent when interacting with a person of potential romantic interest. Men in their 50’s and 60’s have seen the limits change through their lifetimes, resulting in many confusing versions of consent expectations. Young men have it easier since they have experienced only a single standard, and they have lived through a time when consent has become much more clear cut than in the past.

Consent versus Normative Interaction

Consent has always been built into human relations, but it has never been so concrete and prominent as it is today. This is certainly an improvement, although I suspect some men wish we could return to the bad old days when picking up a woman was as easy as buying her a drink, or so they imagined.

I am a cis-gender male, and so I will speak from my experience. Consent links normative human interaction to specific activities of a more intimate nature. Most human interaction is guided by well-established cultural rules and guidelines people learn in childhood. These basic rules involve personal space, touching, language, dress, relation, and situational setting.

Achieving these in any meaningful way means learning from authority figures and gathering experience by practicing the rules and guidelines as children and through the teen years. This is what we mean when we observe that a young person is acting in a mature fashion. He or she is acting in appropriate ways, for example:

• He or she is wearing clothes appropriate and acceptable to the situation.
• She or he is using language and discussing subjects that are acceptable and appropriate.
• A person is acknowledging another’s personal space, a fundamental sign of respect and safety.
• A woman may kiss and hug her brother whom she has not seen for awhile, but may not touch the cute stranger spotted at the airport in the same way.
• A ceremony may permit a man to lightly kiss a woman’s cheek or hand as a way of respectfully honoring her.
• A woman may wear a well-fitted bikini bathing suit at the beach, but will add a cover-up when stepping into town.

There are many examples, and it should be obvious that many of these basic guidelines are culturally sensitive. A mature person is expected to pay attention to cultural differences when visiting cultures not his or her own, and to act in ways that avoid offending one’s hosts.

Notice that children are relieved of these rules for the most part. But as they mature, and as they receive correction and guidance from parents and other adult care-givers, their understanding of the guidelines is expected to grow. The teenage years are crucial to the successful development of these behavioral expectations.

In my late twenties, I lived and worked in a remote province of Indonesia for fourteen months pursuing post-graduate research. I learned the language and essential cultural elements from Indonesian students at my university before leaving the States. Once I arrived in-province, my limited student budget and desire for immersion meant taking a minibus from the provincial capital on the coast to the research location five hours inland. I learned a great deal from these first few bus trips.

Aside from practicing the language and learning the local dialect, I learned that men sit butt to butt whenever gathered, whether in a mini-van or an evening men’s group, often with their arms resting on each other’s thighs. Women sat the same way, but they sat in the front seats of the bus and never next to a man. These were small Mitsubishi mini-vans and drivers needed to fill the van in order to make a profit.

These are examples of how guidelines for basic interaction are culturally embedded. It may be obvious at this point that even the normative rules for human interaction are often gender-based. Best to keep this in mind.

When Adult Interactions Require Consent

Except for the most standardized situations, consent in some form is needed whenever men and women interact. Humans are sexual beings and so sexual potential is never far from our minds. In some situations, consent may be assumed or implied, for example, respecting the “man” or “woman” symbols on men’s and ladies’ restrooms (the parties are consenting to gender-based restrictions).

Established couples have their own set of implied consent guidelines. For example, gathered with friends around a table, when the woman is telling a story she may touch the hand of her partner indicating that the story reflects a shared experience.

But consent becomes a much more serious issue when adult interactions first begin to blossom and become romantic or sexual. While certain expectations exist for these interactions, the degree of variability and individual preferences is confounding to many people.

By definition, intimacy introduces necessary violations of normative guidelines such that if a relationship is to succeed, consent will be required at many stages. A woman and man meeting at a friend’s gathering, for example, and one is preparing to leave. If there is romantic interest, the other party may simply ask, “Mind if I walk with you?” This is an early request for consent. And anything beyond walking together, any touching or intimate language will require additional consent requests.

Planned Parenthood encourages the F.R.I.E.S. approach for entering into sexual relations, but the guidelines are applicable to almost any romantic or intimate interaction:

✅Freely given: Consenting is a choice one party makes without pressure, manipulation, or any form of intoxication. And we may add, without either person in a position of authority over the other.

✅Reversible: Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, and at any time, even if the change of heart is sudden and abrupt.

✅Informed: In order to meaningfully consent, one must know what actions or activities to which one is consenting. If the actions or activities change in any way, consent may be withdrawn.

✅Enthusiastic: Intimate or sexually explicit activities require a series of enthusiastic “yes” responses from both parties. Mature persons know that any doubts or lack of certainty amounts to a clear “no” and should be respected as such, even if the word is never spoken.

✅Specific: Saying “yes” to one intimate act should never be assumed to apply to any other intimate acts. “May I kiss you?” is one very specific request for consent, but it does not extend to touching intimate areas of a person’s body, undressing or explicit sexual activity of any other kind.

When Desire Confronts Consent

The problem of course is when two persons are each excited by the prospect of greater intimacy and become swept up by the moment. At this point, arousal is producing spikes in dopamine and oxytocin in the brain, and these tend to overwhelm the logical thinking needed to request or grant consent.

The answer is to discuss this kind of situation before things become hot and heavy. Call it a “hypothetical” talk, a “proactive” talk, or have fun with it, if this helps. Two people romantically or sexually interested in each other should realize that things may progress to greater intimacy. But making a plan does not by itself constitute consent, the two individuals should agree to this.

As this scenario suggests, true consent can only be granted in the moment. For a new couple just entering into intimacy, this may seem like an endless series of enthusiastic “yeses.” But realistically, one may feel the need to stop at a certain point, so one of the yeses may become a “no.” This will be difficult, but it is very important that each person has stated his and her wishes and desired activities, and in specific terms.

“Let’s make love” is a beautiful concept, but it does not actually state any particular activity to which consent is requested or granted.

Safety is a Major Factor

While it is positive and hopeful for young couples discovering romance for the first time, the need for safety in situations where romance may blossom is sadly necessary. The relatively recent revelations about date rape, acquaintance attacks, and revenge tactics leave us little choice but to carefully assess prospective romantic interests and situations for their relative safety.

This is an especially harsh dilemma for unattached persons who just want to have a good time. A recent post from Kara Post-Kennedy of the Good Men Project examines the fine art of flirting and how easily it can become, or be interpreted by the recipient as, sexual harassment. In this review, the dangers to men and women just starting to catch each others’ attention are obvious.

But many of the same indicators of harassment also send a message that the person engaged in the allegedly harmless flirting may not be safe. Flirting is obviously gender-biased. It may be playfully offered by either men or women, but the reality is that it is potentially unsafe to women, since men are almost always the aggressors.

The “red flag” indicators of inappropriate flirting are many of the same indicators that may be present in early interest relationships. Is there demeaning or diminutive language involved? Is the romantic interest behavior inappropriate to the setting? Is the attention coming from a complete stranger? If not, then what was the nature of the initial contact? Do the compliments sound false or forced? When you say “no, thank you,” is your statement heard and respected?

We must take the position of unattached women who increasingly perceive the world of dating and romance as essentially unsafe until proven otherwise. This position is understandably self-protective given the statistics on date rape, revenge killings and so on.

Consent remains highly problematic in a world where young people seeking romance are expected to simply “find” the right person. Here’s my advice for early-interest couples of any age. Seek friendship as a first step, get to know a person for a while, meet their friends, have long talks, and if you are still happy with what you learn, then consider taking the next step toward romance.

Oh, I know! That sounds so mechanical! Where is the spark of romance? Not to worry, the spark will remain and may even become brighter as you come to know your romantic interest. Love will blossom when the time is right, but only with your consent.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.

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