Behind the Mask: How I Battle With Manipulation and Bipolar Disorder

Written by Semaja Holloman

For most of my life, I wore a mask to hide the pain caused by a parent’s manipulation. It wasn’t until I turned 20 that I discovered I was living with bipolar disorder — a revelation that transformed my understanding of myself and the world around me.

Growing up, the constant manipulation made me feel cornered and small. Whenever I expressed any genuine emotion, I was often told I was overreacting or exaggerating. This left me feeling invalidated and as though I had to constantly wear a mask of happiness, suppressing any other emotions. This cycle of invalidation made it challenging to understand my true self.

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition characterized by extreme mood swings, including manic episodes and depressive periods. In my case, the focus isn’t on explosive mood swings, but rather how it affects my sleep patterns. I have periods where I become intensely energetic, often channeling that energy into cleaning and organizing everything around me. Conversely, there are times when I feel overwhelmingly exhausted, needing to sleep for days on end. These mood fluctuations can be challenging, but understanding them has been key to managing my condition.

After being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I took a proactive approach to manage my mental health. I admitted myself for testing and initially tried a medical plan, but eventually found that a combination of holistic practices worked best for me. I embraced activities like yoga, meditation, and self-care techniques, along with maintaining a healthy bedtime routine and diet. These practices have helped me find balance and maintain stability in my daily life.

Unfortunately, some people who are aware of my diagnosis use it to manipulate situations, painting any response I have as being ‘unreasonable’ or ‘over the top.’ When I share that I have bipolar disorder, they often misinterpret or misuse my emotions, attributing them to the disorder in a way that does NOT reflect my experience. This is particularly frustrating because my kind of bipolar disorder doesn’t involve explosive mood swings but rather manifests in sleep disturbances and hyper-focus behaviors. This misuse of my condition to justify their actions has been deeply hurtful, leaving me feeling misunderstood and unfairly judged.

Here are three ways to recognize when someone is using your condition manipulatively:

1. Dismissal of Your Feelings: They frequently dismiss or belittle your emotions, attributing any reaction to your condition rather than acknowledging your valid feelings.

2. Exploiting Your Diagnosis: They use your bipolar disorder as a blanket excuse to justify their actions, even when it doesn’t apply to the situation.

3. Guilt-Tripping: They make you feel guilty for setting boundaries or expressing your needs, suggesting that you are being unreasonable or difficult.

And here are three ways to set boundaries with such individuals:

1. Clear Communication: Assertively express your boundaries and let them know which behaviors are unacceptable, regardless of your diagnosis.

2. Limit Interaction: Reduce or limit contact with individuals who consistently disregard your boundaries and invalidate your experiences.

3. Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive people who respect your boundaries and understand your experiences.

Even with all the ups and downs, I’ve learned to roll with it. Sure, there are days when I feel misunderstood, but I’ve also found that embracing my quirks and strengths makes me who I am. It’s all about owning your story, and I hope by sharing mine, others can feel a little less alone and a lot more empowered.

Author’s Note:

Navigating bipolar disorder and dealing with manipulative behavior has been a challenging journey. I hope sharing my experiences can help others who might feel isolated or misunderstood. Remember, it’s important to recognize your worth and set boundaries with those who don’t respect you. You are not alone in this, and it’s okay to seek support and take care of yourself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.