Authentic Men and the Sacred Ordinary

Menswork programs have struggled to name their ideal man since the beginning of this work in the 1980s. Modern masculinity, feminist masculinity, enlightened masculinity, the embodied masculine, healthy masculinity, the mature masculine, and most recently, the authentic man — all referred to an image of men somehow renewed and refreshed.

One of the defining features of all of these efforts and points of view was that all have been secular efforts. Each rejected, either overtly or covertly, the established interpretations of manhood as handed down through the major religions of the Americas and Europe, specifically Christianity and Judaism.

Let us acknowledge that the oldest men’s groups known were religious in nature. They emphasized study, practice and fraternity along with a litany of moral codes which are shockingly similar to all of the men’s group programs of the last forty years.

These include integrity, honesty, self-awareness, emotional intelligence, responsibility, vulnerability, courage, purpose and passion, community and family. These religious men’s groups promoted self-reflection, learning from mistakes, living with a larger sense of purpose, building community and treating women with respect and dignity, even if in the last case, believing women to be somehow less than men.

Certainly if we dig deep down, the assumptions underlying these efforts were quite different. The religious groups called men to study and reflect on God’s image of man, particularly his courageous nature and his responsibilities toward family. These groups encouraged men to embody the sacred ordinary in their daily lives, to live their faith, and not just on holy days.

Being a “good man” once meant showing one’s face at holy day services every week. Nothing more was required. And if you ran into trouble with excessive drinking or fighting with your wife, you had a religious leader ready and willing to help and often religious programs available to assist with recovery or with marriage counseling within a religious framework.

This is not to minimize the religious experience, but rather to demonstrate its all encompassing nature. Being a religious man meant being part of a defined community of families in which everyone strove to act with caring and compassion.

Arguably, the secular men’s groups emerged during a time when many men were becoming disconnected from faith and embracing secular patterns not just in parallel to religious affiliation but in place of it. Yet it is interesting that those parallel activities served many of the same purposes as the men’s group programs.

Not very long ago, even men on the fringes of society were welcomed down at the local pub just as they were welcomed at their local church or temple. And yes, many engaged in both activities, seeing no significant conflict between the two. Fraternal community was promoted and sustained by men participating in bowling leagues, tennis clubs, gun clubs, hunting groups, fraternal organizations, and a host of other male-dominated activities.

Understanding the Sacred Ordinary

Any devoted Christian understands the sacred ordinary to mean one of two things. The first is a calendar of holy days which is important to study and learn and to participate in worship. The second is a more general reference to spiritual formation, meaning to explore faith as it is expressed in everyday life, relationships, and work.

On this level, there are a wide variety of podcasts, YouTube channels, websites, conferences and musical groups devoted to enhancing one’s spiritual devotion, and many are dedicated to serving men specifically.

One can see the potential power of these ancillary sources of devotional study. Their essence is to inspire a spiritual perspective that elevates ordinary activities as opportunities for connection to God. This includes finding presence in the ordinary, elevating daily routines, promoting conscious reflection, and finding holistic peace and presence in the most mundane.

For many men of the book — that is, followers of Christianity, Judaism and Islam—these ancillary activities often provide them with celebratory guidelines for living straight and narrow lives, staying away from temptations to which lesser men fall prey, and lifting up their families in devotion to their faiths and through the study of religious texts.

Between the Sacred and the Ordinary

Men’s group programs today have transcended the original agenda in the 1980’s, an agenda mainly focused on anti-violence. They have expanded and diversified in ways that seem to encompass the many legitimate distinctions among men. To the extent that participants benefit from these programs, entire communities benefit.

The separation of the ordinary from the sacred marked the decline of the predominant Western religions. Followers began to perceive their religious obligations as separate from their ordinary lives, and so the devotional quality of their everyday lives diminished in favor of secular activities.

Let this serve as a warning for menswork programs. What we offer is all too often experienced as a diversion, an interesting way to meet potential friends, or simply a guys’ night out. It is not uncommon for participants in my groups, when asked what brought them to the group, to respond by saying their wives or partners suggested that they attend. “She wanted me out of the house” is one of the more blunt responses I have heard.

Again, I am not suggesting that this is necessarily a problem. I recall several instances in which individuals arrived in response to a partner’s wishes, but stayed because they truly appreciated the material and discussions.

Yet there are many moments during the discussions when there emerges a clear sense that we have entered a sacred realm, that something was said or emotions revealed that somehow crossed the line between buddies and brotherhood. Often this involves an element of vulnerability, passion or failure. These remarks and responses bring us collectively to the heart of authenticity as men.

It is through the collective experience of vulnerability and acceptance that we emerge as authentic men and enter the sacred realm.

At the heart of authenticity lies a sense of the spiritual. Whether through meditation or introspection, many men’s groups attempt to foster this sense of entering upon sacred ground. It is a way of inviting participants to listen carefully, speak from experience, and lower their protective shields to become vulnerable.

For many men, this is a unique and inspiring experience. To the extent that participants benefit from these programs, all of society benefits and the secular becomes sacred.

Previously published on Substack

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.