I’ll be honest: When my wife asked for evidence of my growth, I was frustrated.
I thought: Can’t you just see I’m different? Can’t you just believe me?
No. She couldn’t.
And she was right not to.
Here’s the thing I didn’t understand: The guy who lied to her a thousand times and was still using porn looks exactly like the guy who now says “I’m not using anymore and you can trust me.”
Without behavior change and evidence, I still looked like the same guy.
Because when she asked me while I was using, one of my lies was: “No, I’m not.”
The Question
A wife recently wrote in asking: “Is it reasonable to want clear evidence of my husband’s growth? He goes to counseling but won’t share what happens there. He shows growth on and off but nothing sustainable.”
My answer: Yes. Absolutely yes.
If your husband is frustrated that you want to see evidence, he doesn’t understand how much his hidden life broke your trust.
There’s a quote that nails this: “I’m not mad that you lied to me. I’m sad that I can’t trust you anymore.”
That’s the real problem. Not the lie itself. The broken trust.
What Our Marriage Counselor Said
One of the first things our marriage counselor told my wife was this: “If you had a crystal ball to look into Jay’s actions, to see what he’s doing, where he’s going, what websites he’s visiting, what would that look like?”
That told her: You’re going to need to lay your eyes on actual evidence.
But it’s not just evidence of using or not using. It’s evidence of true heart change.
He told me: “Jay, she needs to see a Saul to Paul change. You need to be proactive in changing.”
It took me a while to understand what that looked like.
But part of why he said she needed to see a drastic difference was because I had lied so many times while “telling the truth.”
What I Actually Did
I gave her the right to look into my phone.
I gave her the right to contact my accountability partners if she’s feeling off.
I started doing new behaviors to show a new level of not just trust, but other things.
Without that, I still looked like the same guy. The guy who said “I’m not using” while absolutely using.
So why would she believe me now?
The Thomas Edison Process
Here’s something both people in this situation need to understand: You’re in a process very similar to Thomas Edison discovering the light bulb.
You think something is going to help her trust you. You do it. Her level of trust doesn’t change.
That doesn’t mean you aren’t doing it right or that she’s doing something wrong.
It means you’ve just discovered something that doesn’t work.
What you want to do is keep trying things until you find what works.
That may be software on your phone. It may not. It may be some other form of behavior that gives her the level of trust she needs.
That’s one of the reasons why certain things feel like “this is going to work, this is going to change everything” and you do it and nothing changes.
The person to check with? Her.
“What would really knock it out of the park as far as you being able to trust me? What is going to rebuild trust here?”
She has an idea. That’s the thing that might work.
So you do that for a while. And she might say: “Huh, I don’t know, things aren’t changing. I don’t know why.”
Okay. Try something else.
This is the process. It’s frustrating. But it’s necessary.
You don’t get to be frustrated that she needs evidence when you’re the one who broke her trust in the first place.
The Counselor Confidentiality Issue
The question mentioned: “He goes to counseling but neither he nor the counselor share what happens there.”
That’s by design.
Counselors are there for him. If you were going to a marriage counselor together, they might be able to share something. But for individual counseling? That’s confidential. That’s kind of the whole point.
But here’s what you might look for instead: a coach or mentor who operates differently.
Someone who has the standard of: “If I think this might hurt your spouse and you’re wanting to work with me to become a better husband, I will tell her if you don’t.”
I tell guys I work with: I am not a secret keeper.
Because I kept secrets from my wife for four years and caused trauma and harm through all of that.
Keeping your secret for you means I’m now part of the damage. I’m not going to do that.
Your rational mind knows you don’t want somebody else giving you permission to hurt your wife.
I can’t be a secret keeper for you. But I can help you navigate telling the secret.
That’s the part that scares us. Somehow telling the secret feels so bad.
But here’s the thing: It’s not that you lied. It’s that she can’t trust you.
And part of not being able to trust you is thinking: “I wanted him to keep this secret too.” That makes it so much worse.
Versus: “No, he told me to tell you and I came and told you and that’s the right thing to do even though it’s painful.”
What the Bible Says About Evidence
If you want biblical backing for wanting evidence of change, the word you’re looking for is “bearing fruit.”
John the Baptist calls out the Pharisees and says: “Bear fruit in keeping with repentance.”
Fruit. As in, a tree giving evidence that it’s actually alive and producing something.
Jesus curses the fig tree that’s not bearing fruit. Then he walks into the temple and drives out the money changers who aren’t bearing fruit there either.
The Bible talks about how we will bear fruit as we change. We will have evidence of new life in us.
Even the word repentance means a 180-degree change. There’s a shift that happens. A very definite shift.
If you go to your search engine and type “what does the Bible say about bearing fruit,” look for the result from OpenBible.info.
There’s a list of many, many scriptures that talk about bearing fruit. They’re ordered by ranking of the ones that apply to that subject most directly.
Scripture after scripture after scripture gives you evidence that it’s okay to want proof that things are changing.
Why This Matters
The guys I work with often don’t get this at first.
They think: I’m doing the work. I’m going to meetings. I’m not using. Why doesn’t she just trust me?
Because you look exactly the same as when you were lying.
Because “I’m not using” is what you said before when you were using.
Because trust isn’t rebuilt by your word. It’s rebuilt by your actions over time.
And those actions need to be visible.
Not because she’s controlling or paranoid or untrusting by nature.
Because you broke her trust. You. Through your actions. Through your lies.
So now you get to rebuild it. Through different actions. Through transparency. Through evidence.
That’s not punishment. That’s just reality.
What Growth Actually Looks Like
The question said he “shows growth on and off but nothing sustainable.”
That’s the key phrase right there. On and off.
Real change is sustainable. It’s consistent. It’s not something you do for a few weeks when she’s watching and then quietly stop.
Real change looks like:
- Going to meetings every week, not just when things are tense
- Maintaining accountability even when you don’t “need” it
- Being transparent about your phone, your schedule, your triggers
- Doing the hard internal work, not just the external behaviors
- Staying engaged in the difficult conversations instead of shutting down
If the growth is on and off, it’s not growth. It’s management. You’re managing her perception, not actually changing.
She can tell the difference. Even if she can’t articulate it, she can feel it.
The Bottom Line
Is it reasonable to want clear evidence of your husband’s growth?
Yes.
Is it reasonable for him to be frustrated about that?
No.
He broke the trust. He gets to rebuild it. That means providing evidence until she feels safe again.
Not until he thinks she should feel safe. Until she actually does.
That’s the deal. That’s what rebuilding trust requires.
If he’s not willing to do that, he’s not actually committed to change. He’s committed to looking like he’s changed while doing the minimum required.
And she’ll feel that. And the trust won’t rebuild.
It’s that simple.
15 years into recovery. I work with men navigating these issues now. The guys who make it are the ones who stop being frustrated about providing evidence and start being grateful their wives are still willing to give them a chance.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
Love relationships? We promise to have a good one with your inbox.
Subcribe to get 3x weekly dating and relationship advice.
Did you know? We have 8 publications on Medium. Join us there!
***
–
Photo credit: Author
