Why I’ve Stopped Choosing Partners Based on Love Alone

One night after watching my friend argue with her ex over custody again, I came across a quote online. I don’t know the source of the quote, but it said:

“You can choose to date whoever you want, but if you plan to have a child, you need to choose someone who will be the parent your kid deserves.”

It made me think of my friend. She didn’t just pick the wrong partner, she also chose the wrong father for her child. And, unfortunately, that’s a lifelong decision that she (and many others) will need to live with. It’s a decision that will affect their child for their entire life.

And then it hit me: I’ve loved people who were charming, funny, and so much fun, but they were all absolutely wrong to raise a child with.

You can date whoever you want. You can fall for someone who’s complicated, chaotic, or even toxic. But if you plan to bring a child into the world, you must make decisions based on them.

I wasn’t sure why I had never considered this before. I’ve always hoped to have children of my own someday. A part of me just never realized that you need to start thinking like a parent before you even become one. If you want children, you owe it to them to choose the right parent.

Dating Compatibility vs. Co-Parenting Compatibility

The hard truth is that the person who gives you butterflies might not be the person who can provide stability for your child. You might fall head over heels for how spontaneous and adventurous someone is. You might live for those trips you take together to Punta Cana. And you might get so addicted to their on-and-off behavior that you don’t think there’s anyone else who’s meant for you.

But just because you love some qualities about someone doesn’t mean that person will be a compatible co-parent. In fact, a lot of the qualities we love about someone we date can work against parental compatibility.

Choosing a good co-parent can mean the difference between choosing the one you feel most passionately about vs. the one who might be sort of boring at times.

A good co-parent shows up when things aren’t fun. They’re emotionally mature, consistent, patient, and most importantly, stable. They offer a sense of security. These qualities are all so important when a child is dependent on both of you.

They’re also compatible with you when it comes to how you want to raise your child. Your values and morals align with one another’s.

Someone can be the best boyfriend or girlfriend ever, but be a terrible co-parent. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a bad person; it just makes them wrong for the family you want to raise.

What Choosing a Good Co-Parent Looks Like

We talk all the time about finding someone we love and who isn’t toxic, but what we don’t ever talk about is how to choose someone who will help us raise a human. While I still haven’t found my person yet, here are some of the qualities I look for:

Emotional regulation. Someone who can handle their emotions without shutting down or getting angry. Kids test patience, and it’s important to stay grounded.

Values. When I’m dating someone, I ask myself: if this person’s values and beliefs were to shape our future child’s beliefs, would I feel okay with that? Would I feel proud? Do our values align?

Accountability. Can my significant other admit when they’re wrong, apologize, and grow? Kids learn from our behavior, and I want someone who helps my kids understand that you’re responsible for your own actions.

Respectful communication. It’s so important for me to have a partner who communicates with respect. If we do stay together, our kids will watch the way we communicate. And if we don’t stay together, we’ll have to find a way to effectively communicate and co-parent for the next 18+ years (and our kid will see that, too).

Consistency. Do their words match their actions? Do they follow through and show up when they say they will? Do they keep their word? I don’t want my children to have a dad who shows up like Rory’s dad Christopher in the Gilmore Girls; I want a Luke, who’s always there for her when she needs him.

Red Flags I Avoid Now (But Used to Ignore)

There are red flags that I used to ignore because I was in love (and was obviously not thinking clearly). Now these are non-negotiables for me. Not only do I deserve someone who doesn’t come with these red flags, but my future child does, too:

Guys who run from their emotions. If you’re too emotionally unavailable for me, you’re going to avoid real conversations with our child, too.

Unresolved family trauma that they won’t work on. We all have a past, but healing comes with growth. My future child and I both deserve the healthiest, most healed version of you.

Hot-and-cold behavior. If you’re here one moment for me and gone the next, then I’m out. Instability is never cool, but a child needs security.

Toxic love. My child deserves to see a romance where their parents are madly in love with one another — not a love that’s built on chaos and toxicity.

The Bottom Line

When we fall in love, most of us are thinking of us. But if you want kids, you have to start thinking in terms of them. It’s not just about a love story. It’s about the story that your kid will carry with them until the end of time.

Now I don’t just ask: Do I love him? I ask: Would he love our kids and be there for them in all of the ways that they deserve?

Don’t get me wrong. Love matters. But choosing the right co-parent for your child matters more.

It’s on you to choose wisely.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.