How to Know If Someone Loves You Without Them Saying It

Statement of the problem: Our feelings (love, longing, hate, and pain) are so uniquely ours that no two people experience them in quite the same way, and because we can’t take a peek inside another person’s mind, we can never be entirely sure what they are really feeling and what they truly mean when they say, “I love you.”

You can’t see love directly, but you can recognize it in their patterns of behavior and the choices they make while never asking for credit.

So, how do you really know if they really love you? One thing is for sure, it is not by how often they say it, but more assuredly, by how often they prove it, especially in those unguarded moments that reveal their truest selves.

Here is how you tell:

1. They don’t turn their backs on you even when it is the most convenient choice: Anyone can love you when it is easy. Anyone can love you when you are smiling, the timing is right, and they are in a good mood. However, you know it is love when you are not your best or when life is pulling them in ten different directions, and they are still here.

This is more than just casual affection.

Only true love knows that even though they desire you in their life, they don’t own you, and even though it may hurt if you one day no longer feel the same way, they will still respect your choices, even if it is a choice to leave.

“Only true love knows that even though they desire you in their life, they don’t own you.”

2. They remember the things you don’t think matter: In love, the little things are the big things. So, it is not always the big romantic gestures that give love away, but the way they remember how you take your coffee, notice the way you pause before saying something vulnerable, recall that random childhood story you thought they had forgotten, etc. And they don’t do it to impress either, but because they see you!

Love pays attention without trying, listening to the words and storing the small details because they matter to you. This is how you know it is real, when someone remembers what everyone else forgets.

3. Feeling safe with someone is a strong indicator of real love: If you feel safe and at peace in their presence, it is a sign of deep emotional connection, and a security that gives you the freedom to be yourself. When you know someone truly loves you, they don’t make you walk on eggshells or question your worth, and you can be your true self around them (unguarded and unapologetic).

Should conflicts arise, know that there are healthy expressions of anger and there are unhealthy angry outbursts. The first is natural, and there is no real threat of hurt physically or emotionally, just someone who cares enough to be affected, so they just need space to cool down and communication.

The second, however, is another matter entirely. Such anger seeks to hurt, manipulate, and instill fear. Just know that if it is something you have to walk on eggshells around to avoid someone’s violent reactions, then it is no longer love. It is time to reach out for help.

4. They respect your boundaries: This may not sound all that romantic, but this is again where love proves itself. Someone who truly loves you will work to understand your limits (emotionally and physically) and honor them. This respect is one of the clearest signs of love for you, and a partner who truly loves you doesn’t just merely tolerate your limits; they will protect them.

On the other hand, when someone seeks to push your boundaries repeatedly, that is not love, it is control. A loving partner will recognize your individuality, won’t guilt-trip you, and always support you in a healthy manner.

“When someone seeks to push your boundaries repeatedly, that is not love, it is control.”

5. They don’t try to win every argument, they try to understand: When two people love each other, their fights aren’t competitions but conversations. Someone who loves you won’t weaponize silence or twist your words just to feel right while keeping score.

What they would do is listen, take a breath, and come back after cooling off (not after ghosting you for days on end).

Love doesn’t necessarily avoid conflict, but it fights fair. It also values peace tremendously over pride. In any case, it knows that winning only feels good for a moment, but understanding feels good for a lifetime.

“Love doesn’t necessarily avoid conflict, but it fights fair.”

6. When they are planning their future, you are included: One surefire sign someone loves you is when you feature in their future plans; you are a major component of said plans.

This is one of your clearest signals telling you that, in their minds, they see a lasting thing and with you in it. They would only do this if they deeply value your presence in their life.

This doesn’t need any over-the-top declarations, you will just see it in the small stuff as you move forward. Love just can’t help but plan ahead because it hopes. Even a guarded heart imagines the future when it feels safe enough to believe in one.

“Even a guarded heart imagines the future when it feels safe enough to believe in one.”

7. They love you in your absence, too: You won’t always be there to hear it, but the realest kind of love shines through even when you are not around.

They will defend you, keep your secrets, speak about you with glowing respect, even when they are mad at you. Real love doesn’t need you to be in attendance to be loyal, and this is how you know it is not just a performance.

“Real love doesn’t need you to be in attendance to be loyal.”

Stop listening for the phrase, start watching for the proof

The thing is, even though you may never see love directly, you will notice its reflections in their behavior.

Words are cheap, so anyone can say, “I love you,” but not everyone will mean those words. So if you are wondering whether someone loves you, stop listening for the phrase and start watching for the proof. Love always goes beyond declarations into behavior, and behavior never lies.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.