I’m Avoidantly Attached — Here’s What That Feels Like

I lost my best friend and the person I loved most to my avoidant attachment style. Or at least, that’s a big part of why I lost him.

Despite months of dating, we never became a couple. Deep down, we both knew our needs for connection didn’t align.

The real pain surfaced only when we finally said aloud what we had been holding in for too long: He is anxiously attached. I am avoidant.

Two attachment styles that clash forever. We couldn’t meet each other’s needs.

No matter how much we wanted to.

Attachment Style 101

I had already explored attachment styles long before I met him. I’d read the books, listened to the podcasts, done the inner work — or so I thought. It’s no exaggeration to say the topic changed my life.

So for everyone who’s not aware, here’s a very brief intro. There are four types of attachment styles that people roughly fall under:

• Secure attachment: Best you can get! You can emotionally handle close relationships (most times) and are in touch with your needs.
• Anxious attachment: You need a lot of confirmation from your partner or date to feel safe. Also, you seek closeness and emotional connection.
• Avoidant attachment: Your space is your holy grail. You have hard times showing your true (emotional) self in relationships and therefore tend to pull away.
• Ambivalent attachment: You switch between wanting someone close and pushing them away. Often, you experience yourself extremely impulsive and emotional towards partners.

It is important to note that we hold a mix of characteristics from the different attachment styles within us. Yet, most people have a dominating one.

In The Shoes Of The Avoidant (Hi, It’s Me)

So I’m an avoidantly attached person. While I love people and have many friends (although just few close ones), I need lots of space for myself and time for my projects.

My family and friends often claim I would be‘hard to catch’.

This somewhat fits that I am totally into sports and very hands-on. When things can get done without too much emotion involved, I feel safe.

“During their childhood, avoidantly attached people learned that they would receive recognition — or at least tolerance — if they did not burden others and kept themselves occupied. That’s why they still feel most comfortable today when they can get things done.” — Ursula Nuber, The Binding Effect

… To me, this is: Sorry, can’t talk about emotions too well, but I can help you build that shelf or take you to play padel?

That’s why it’s not easy for me to build deep connection. I can do it, and I know it’s simply the best thing life offers — but it feels truly draining.

Avoidants Spend Loads Of Energy For Hiding Their True Selves

Partly, that is because I have hard times expressing all my emotions and needs. Well, I can show some emotions — but god forbid, not the negative ones. Somehow, I have learned to better hide those throughout my life.

So I put lots of energy into covering up some parts of me. Which costs lots of energy, even if I do it on autopilot. That’s why I tend to escape close connection and emotional depth with people. It would mean that I have to lay open some parts of me that I myself don’t have good access to.

Children with this insecure attachment style are therefore (…) extremely stressed; psychological studies show that they are under high, constant tension. The (…) apparent calmness and lack of emotion is still characteristic of those with avoidant attachment today. — Ursula Nuber, The Binding Effect

Did I mention all this feels drainig?

Yet, it felt even more so when I was unaware of the underlying psychological mechanics.

Avoidant-Anxious Dynamics

Some of those typically avoidant things were what my then-lover and best friend fell for. Or at least, on the surface.

Before we decided to date, he told me my best characteristics would be that I have wide-spread interest, am authentic and positive. (He forgot funny.)

In turn, I appreciated his reflective capacitity, his open sharing of emotions and his positive attitude towards people.

In the beginning, when things were not so serious, we had great times. But later on, our attachment styles creeped in. And they were the roots of ongoing micro-conflicts.

A Vicious Circle

He needed much more feedback and attention from my side than I could give. And I needed much more space and time for myself than he could give. As for both of us, the amount of intimacy that we need (or don’t need) is emotionally loaded, it’s not as easy as “let’s just meet in the middle”.

The more he wanted me, the more I pulled away. And then, he wanted even more of me. I felt extreme pressure in my body to give more than I could. Send more texts than I feel I’d like to send. Give more attention than I naturally do.

That even turned into madness at him. Despite I liked him so much.

He needed my availability and confirmation to feel seen and valued. And I needed my space and me-time to feel safe.

The whole dynamic felt draining.

Despite Being In Love, We Ended Things

We did not manage to negotiate our needs and find an outcome that is okay for both. That’s why we needed to end things.

However, every person in your life will make you recognize your own core beliefs even better. I learned a lot dating him. I wish, I could have kept him. But it was not the right time in life, and we both still have to learn.

If you are avoidant, the first step (…) is to acknowledge your need for space — whether emotional or physical — when things get too close, and then learn how to communicate that need. Explain to your partner in advance that you need some time alone when you feel things getting too mushy and that it’s not a problem with him or her but rather your own need in any relationship. — Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

For me, the books city above ‘Attached’ and ‘The Binding Effect’ (the latter is unfortunately only available in German) were of big help. And the best thing was possibly starting therapy. Today I know that at some point, I will be able to develop a secure attachment style.

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