9 Signs She Doesn’t Actually Love You

Asa men’s dating coach, I’m always on the hunt for the very best information about dating and relationships for my audience. Once again, I have explored the depths of the internet to bring you hidden treasures, and today we are looking at red flags that mean you should probably jump (relation)ship.

When Redditors were asked, “What screams ‘I don’t actually love my partner?’” many offered invaluable insight:

1. No talk me I angy 😾

“When one partner doesn’t feel they can talk to the other about issues in the relationship for fear the other will get angry or defensive” — Reddit user fluffshine238

We’re starting this list with a relatively tame one.

This one works both ways. Does she fear talking to you about something? Fear gets in the way of love. Does she get angry and defensive about things that you feel are important to bring up? The insecurities that cause one to become defensive can also get in the way of love.

These signs don’t necessarily mean that someone isn’t actually in love outright, but they’re certainly red flags that are worth addressing and working through.

2. She threw away his Pokemon cards 🃏

“ignoring their feelings or brushing off things that really matter to them.” — Reddit user MohammedMMuktar

If you lack the empathy to understand that your partner might value certain things you have never valued before, you’re probably too self-centered to know what love even is in the first place.

Another man on Reddit posted about how his wife of two years threw away all his Pokemon cards that he had been collecting since he was a kid. She told him, “You’re a grown man,” and, “You don’t need to play with kids’ stuff.”

Good news is that he’s filing for divorce.

3. This is why you shouldn’t date bullies 🥊

“Treating them like shit, especially in front of other people. I have been in relationships and seen other relationships where one person will make their partner feel stupid or small in front of their friends just for some sick sense of approval, or to make themselves look better. Shit is gross and sad!” — Reddit user TheWally69

This is a textbook symptom of narcissism. And we all know that narcissists should be avoided at all costs, right?

Narcissists will often belittle others in order to make themselves feel superior. Bullies who aren’t necessarily narcissists do this as well, but you really shouldn’t be dating bullies, either.

And, of course, you should know that this kind of behavior means they don’t actually love you in the way you deserve. They’re too self-centered to understand how to love at all.

4. Now I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger 🏆

“Loving what they do for you, not really ‘them’” — Reddit user Such-Swimming2109

The above quote, as well as the one below, also exemplify immature, narcissistic, or self-centered tendencies that demonstrate an inability to actually love.

“If someone asks them what they like about their SO, they only describe how that person makes their life easier” — Reddit user Hot-Prize217

A lot of people grow up and learn to be more caring toward their partners. I was certainly more immature and selfish when I was younger, and I learned to be more empathetic and considerate over years of dating experience. If they aren’t capable of maturing to become less self-centered, though, don’t hold your breath.

5. This one genuinely puzzled me 🧩

“When ‘we’ plans turn into ‘I’ plans real fast.” — Reddit user TpinTip

I found it hard to understand this at first. I looked at all the responses that other Redditors wrote for examples:

“Oof, yes. Once surprised my ex with tickets to go see a band we liked. Without telling me first, he invited his friend to use my ticket and then went with him instead while I watched the kids.” — Reddit user codswallop29

I didn’t believe it was possible for someone to be that much of an asshole. In all my years of dating literally hundreds of women, this is something I have n–e–v–e–r experienced before. It’s difficult for me to even imagine such cruelty, such neglect of someone you supposedly love.

“Biggest red flag for my most recent ex was when he was talking about being really excited for an event that was coming up but when I showed interest he corrected me in front of his friend and stated he wanted to go to it alone because he’d never experienced anything like that and just wanted to try it solo first. It was freaking silent disco on a pier like c’mon.” — Reddit user Bramble_Ramblings

Hmm. That one seems a little more realistic. Some people want to try things alone sometimes. They want to have their own thing independent of all their friends, family, and lovers. OK.

Still, though. It strikes me as very odd. Why wouldn’t you want to share any sort of new experience with someone you love, especially if they show interest in it? Makes sense that this is a sign it’s not love.

6. Two for one special ✌️

“Humiliating them in public and pretending it’s joking. Looking at a phone while they’re talking.” — Reddit user Key_Lie_6264

The first part echoes the sentiments in number three. The second part is about manners and presence. It can also be about addiction.

Love is present. If your mind is stuck in the past or the future, you’re not allowing yourself the full chance to experience it.

If your partner has a bad habit of looking at their phone too much, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t actually love you, but it’s a warning sign that they might not really be experiencing love in its fullest capacity.

Smartphone addiction is rampant, and any kind of addiction can have an adverse effect on relationships. If your partner has any kind of addiction that gets in between the two of you in some way, make sure they’re aware. If they love you, they’ll prioritize you, or at least seek the necessary help in order to do so. If they prove that they cannot time and time again, it might be better to move on.

7. This is probably the most important one 🆘

“Ignoring bids for connection. I would try to talk to my ex about things I was interested in or thought she would like to hear about and she either fully ignored me [or] would give me one word replies to shut me up.” — Reddit user NoResearch6799

This Redditor has an ironic username because puported research by Dr. John Gottman has found this whole “bids for connection” thing (small, everyday attempts to seek attention, affection, or support from a partner) to be a major predictor of divorce. Specifically, there’s a greater chance for divorce if a partner has a habit of ignoring these bids for connection.

It makes sense in any kind of scenario I can imagine:

• If you’re able to recognize your partner’s bids for connection, but you’re intentionally ignoring them for any reason, that definitely doesn’t sound like love to me.
• If you’re so selfish or self-absorbed that you’re incapable of recognizing your partner’s bids for connection, you’re clearly too immature to actually feel real love in the first place. This type of person probably enters relationships purely by how much it benefits them personally.

8. You deserve to be prioritized 🥇

“Putting their partner on the back burner as far as their wants/needs go. Everyone else (friends, family) comes first” — Reddit user Particular-Peanut-34

Love comes in many forms, but I cannot imagine any form that always makes a partner secondary to other things in a person’s life.

Sure, there are many life circumstances where you will need to constantly prioritize things other than your relationship partners, but if there is a consistent lack of effort and attention to prioritizing your partners in some capacity, that sounds like a lack of love to me.

9. Rules for thee but not for me 🐘

“ignoring boundaries especially when they are really serious about their own boundaries not being crossed but ignoring yours” — Reddit user condiscendinghonesty

This also sounds like something a narcissist would do. Be especially wary if this is paired with gaslighting.

On a broader note, trying to impose double standards in a relationship in any way is a strong sign of insecurity that might significantly get in the way of love.

Above all else, though, love has no fear. Love is not the angry jealousy you feel because you fear losing your partner to someone else. It is not the dishonesty or lies of omission you turn to because you fear your partner’s disappointment. It is not the insecurities that you inadvertently express because you fear being wrong or looking bad. It is not the ownership you try to impose on them because you fear seeing them as an autonomous equal. It is not the desperate efforts to completely change yourself for them because you fear being abandoned or rejected.

— Excerpt from Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide on How to Attract and Be Loved by Women

BONUS: 10. Like having an AI “girlfriend” 🤖

“No small attentions, no compliments, no efforts whatsoever. It’s not always super obvious because they can still be nice, go along with whatever plans you make, be good company. But they never initiate anything.” — Reddit user Ersatz8

The bit about “they never initiate anything” stood out to me the most.

I’ve written before that, before a relationship begins, it’s more effective for the man to take on a leadership role by being more proactive. Women are socialized to expect men to take that sort of lead in the “seduction” or “courtship” phase, so generally nothing will happen if the man doesn’t get off his butt to kick things off.

Another important point I made, though, is that the leadership or proactiveness needs to eventually become a shared role after a committed relationship begins. A relationship won’t thrive if just one person is making all the decisions and suggesting all the dates.

If you’re in a relationship where you’re the one doing all the initiating for everything, that might be a sign that your partner is just there out of convenience rather than passion.

You deserve better than that.

All of the examples here apply to any gender, of course. The title of this piece is the way it is because my target audience is men who like women, but if that’s not you, you can swap around the pronouns and it can just as easily apply to your own situation.

Have you ever had relationships where you went through anything like those signs above? Tell me your experiences in the comments!