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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
I no longer want to hear dating advice from conventionally attractive people.
That was the title of an article in Vogue that I read recently, and it immediately caught my attention. I thought, “I have to make a video about this.” It’s too important, too raw, too honest—and it reflects the lived experience of so many people out there.
If you’re looking for love and you go online searching for advice on how to find it, you’re going to be met by an avalanche of psychologists, therapists, coaches, and super-hot twenty-something TikTokers all giving their two cents on how you should go about finding love.
And when the person giving the advice doesn’t look like you, or has advantages you don’t have, it can feel unhelpful, patronizing, and sometimes even borderline offensive.
As someone who has been coaching people for nearly two decades, I’ve worked with millions of people and written two New York Times bestselling books about finding, attracting, and keeping love. I want to shine a light on this conversation because I think it’s extraordinarily important.
Stephanie Yeboah’s Perspective
This Vogue article actually originated as a video on the Instagram account of Stephanie Yeboah. Stephanie, I hope I’m saying your last name correctly. Let’s start with what she said before diving into the article itself.
Stephanie explained that she doesn’t like hearing dating advice from conventionally attractive people. She said she’s felt this way since she was a teenager. To her, it’s like asking a rich person how to survive being poor—they’ve never had to live at that level, so they wouldn’t understand.
That idea is incredibly important. If someone is standing at the top of a mountain shouting advice to people trying to climb it, but they started much higher up the mountain than everyone else, the advice can feel patronizing.
People at the bottom are thinking: “I understand you have advice about reaching the top, but you started from a completely different place than I did. How is that going to help me right now?”
When Rejection Hits Harder
Stephanie also talked about how common advice like “just be confident” or “put yourself out there” can sound incredibly condescending.
Of course confidence works when people are already lining up to say yes to you. Confidence looks different when society already sees you as desirable.
For people who don’t fit conventional standards of beauty, rejection can hit much harder.
This is a massively important point. Everyone experiences rejection—no one is immune to it. But rejection mixed with moments where you’re made to feel desirable is very different from rejection that follows a lifetime of being overlooked.
When rejection comes after years of feeling unseen, it can reinforce the belief that we’re not worthy or desirable. Someone who generally feels attractive, on the other hand, can often write off rejection as a temporary setback on the way to someone else who will find them appealing.
For Those Who Feel Marginalized
Stephanie wrote a book called Fattily Ever After, which includes a chapter about dating experiences among plus-size Black women around the world. Those conversations helped her reflect on how disadvantaged certain groups can feel within the dating landscape.
She also created a fictional character—a confident, plus-size, dark-skinned woman who constantly puts herself out there but doesn’t get the results people expect confidence to bring.
That image is incredibly important to hold in mind. Confidence alone doesn’t guarantee success in dating, especially for people who face deeper social biases.
Stephanie expressed a wish that more dating and relationship advice came from voices beyond those who are conventionally attractive or benefiting from various forms of privilege—whether that’s racial privilege, light-skinned privilege, or weight privilege.
I’m aware of the irony of me making this video, because some people may feel that I fit some of the categories she’s describing. But when I believe something is truthful and important, I want to talk about it openly.
So today’s conversation is especially for those of you who feel marginalized by mainstream dating advice—or by who that advice typically comes from.
Clarity Rather Than Bitterness
In her article, Stephanie describes the reactions she received after posting her video.
Some comments told her to lose weight if she wanted to find a man. Others dismissed her perspective entirely by insisting that she was conventionally attractive—an assertion she strongly rejects because it erases years of traumatic dating experiences that suggest otherwise.
You may have experienced something similar with friends or family members who respond to your dating struggles by insisting you’re beautiful or amazing. While they mean well, it can sometimes feel like they’re gaslighting the reality of what you’re actually experiencing.
Stephanie explains that rejecting dating advice from conventionally attractive people isn’t an act of bitterness—it’s clarity.
She knows the terrain she’s walking on. It’s full of obstacles and pitfalls that others haven’t had to face. In a dating world this uneven, she would rather hear from people who understand what it means to be overlooked and still keep going.
When Constant Hope Becomes Chronic Pain
There are several uncomfortable truths about dating.
Confidence is easier when the world already affirms your desirability. Pretty privilege is real and often creates an invisible buffer against rejection.
The social media advice economy often rewards aesthetics over genuine insight. And for many people, rejection isn’t neutral—it’s cumulative and sometimes traumatic.
For someone who has lived through that kind of experience, the advice to “just be confident” can sound like being told to ignore all the evidence that the world treats them differently.
I’m also aware that much of my advice—about spotting bad behavior, recognizing incompatibilities, and watching for consistency—can feel irrelevant if someone never even gets the opportunity to reach that stage.
The reality is that life isn’t fair, and privilege is not distributed equally.
For some people, that reality makes them want to step away from dating entirely. I never judge anyone for making that decision.
Some people say, “I’m done. I don’t want romantic relationships anymore. I’ll focus on my friendships and build a peaceful life.” Removing the expectation of finding love can sometimes feel like a relief.
Hope is often described as a positive thing, but over time it can become a form of chronic pain when it constantly collides with disappointment.
A Trap Many People Fall Into
Part of the solution may lie in developing deeper empathy for others. Human beings often overvalue superficial qualities. Many of us have fallen into that trap ourselves at some point.
But recognizing this also helps us understand what we truly want—people who have moved beyond those superficial judgments.
We want people who value deeper qualities and who have consciously decided that character matters more than appearance.
Love Is Not a Popularity Contest
So what does all of this mean for dating advice?
First, it’s important to remember that love is not a popularity contest.
When you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you don’t need the entire world to want you. You only need one person.
Yes, having lots of people attracted to you may increase your odds. But ultimately, everyone searching for a committed relationship is looking for one person who truly sees them and genuinely wants them.
The challenge is that our light has to shine for that person to notice us. There needs to be warmth, playfulness, and openness.
This can be incredibly difficult if you’ve experienced repeated rejection. In those cases, confidence often has to come from somewhere other than romantic validation.
But imagine that somewhere out there is someone who is actually looking for someone like you.
Finding the Right Fit
That person may be the kind of individual who doesn’t prioritize conventional attractiveness above everything else.
They may be someone who values depth, character, kindness, and the qualities that make you uniquely you.
Finding love isn’t about creating mass appeal. It’s about finding the right fit.
And when you do find the right fit, it can bring out a kind of confidence you may have never experienced before.
One of the most beautiful aspects of a healthy relationship is that it allows us to shine more brightly. Being truly seen and appreciated can transform how we see ourselves.
Building Confidence Before Love Arrives
Before that relationship arrives, one of the most important things you can do is live in a way that makes you proud of yourself.
Become someone you respect through the way you treat people, the challenges you take on, and the goals you pursue.
When you feel proud of the life you’re building, it naturally creates a deeper form of confidence.
And when we move through the world with that quiet pride, we carry ourselves differently. That energy makes it far more likely that someone who appreciates us will notice us.
One of the Most Powerful Human Traits
Resilience may be one of the most powerful human traits there is.
If you’ve experienced overwhelming rejection in your love life, it takes extraordinary resilience to continue believing that the right person might still exist for you.
Resilience often shows up when there’s no other option.
If human connection is something you deeply desire, resilience may become the only path forward.
Giving up on connection entirely can feel even more painful than continuing to try.
And the resilience you build through this process may become one of the most valuable strengths you ever develop in life.
Whoever you need to hear this message from—whether it’s me or someone else—I’m grateful that we’re having this conversation.
Because it’s real, it’s honest, and it’s truthful. And those are the only kinds of conversations worth having.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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