I Thought He Ghosted Me — He Died

Someone I loved literally ghosted me

Let’s call him Joe.

Joe and I had been friends for years, and there was always that … spark. It was like there was this unspoken understanding that we knew something was there. We didn’t know what to do with it though, so we did nothing. It made sense at the time.

Fast forward several years. Yes, years.

He finally asked me out and referred to it as a date…and I kept saying no. This went on for months. I just wasn’t ready to take that step.

Eventually, I agreed, and the date was terrible. From what he said afterward, he was so nervous that he felt like his brain short-circuited, and he didn’t know what to do. Joe kept asking for a second chance, and I half-agreed. I told him he could come out one night with my friends and me, and if things went well, we could revisit the idea of a one-on-one date.

When I saw him that night, my body froze. I said “Oh no” out loud. My friend looked at me, and she knew. I realized, somewhere along the line, that I fell in love with him. She found it funny, because she knew before I did.

Most of the night went perfectly. At one point, we stood there and made plans for the next three months. I was excited about what was to come, and he seemed to be as well. There was a miscommunication toward the end of the night, but we talked it out.

I was used to talking to him regularly, so imagine my surprise when a few days later, I stopped hearing from him, especially after we had just made all those plans we were both excited about. My texts and calls went unanswered.

I started getting ticked off, thinking he might still be upset about the miscommunication, even though we had already talked about things.

At one point, I texted him: “Are you alive?” Still no answer.

I had been ghosted before, so I assumed that’s exactly what was happening.

I was right … sort of.

In the back of my mind, I kept thinking he would never do that to me, but the lack of contact was proof, right? Wrong.

One night, I looked up his social media page. As it was loading, I prepared myself to see that he was in a relationship, that he took a last-minute vacation, anything other than what was in front of me: a bunch of “Rest in peace” posts.

I felt like someone punched me squarely in the chest and ripped it open. My fingers went numb, I couldn’t feel my face, and I fell on the floor. The pain was horrific. I spent the next several days sobbing. I eventually found out that he was in the hospital and didn’t tell anyone. Honestly, I don’t think I ever really got over it, even though it’s been years.

The man literally ghosted me. And yes, he would very much appreciate that joke.

It was a long time before I was ready to date. One thing that’s stuck with me is not to assume anything about another person, regardless of what the situation seems like. It’s easy to get annoyed or mad when someone goes silent, especially if you care about them. I get it; I still occasionally have to check myself. However, sometimes the truth can be far more complicated, and sometimes much worse.

The other life lesson that smacked me in the face was that I should start opening my heart more if it was worthwhile. For years after Joe died, I struggled with regret about how I dragged my feet. I felt like I was the reason he and I wasted so much time.

Even though I’m still upset that Joe ghosted me and broke my heart, he taught me the importance of loving harder and assuming less. He changed my life for the better while he was here and after he was gone. For that, I’ll be forever grateful.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.