I give too much. I always have. I have an undergraduate in psychology, a graduate degree in community counseling, and past experience as a therapist, and I didn’t need any of that to connect the dots between my trauma and my tendency to overfunction.
Online Therapy UK concisely describes overfunctioning as “Managing other people’s emotions and reactions; avoiding conflict by smoothing things over, offering support while never asking for it; downplaying your own needs, pain, or distress; and being hyper-responsible, even for things outside your control.”
Overfunctioning as a coping skill can happen for many reasons, most of them rooted in trauma. However, it develops, it often means that we sacrifice our own needs for everyone else’s, take responsibility for feelings and experiences that we aren’t actually in control of, and generally walk around burdened by things that we shouldn’t have to carry. Sadly, societal norms often reinforce this way of living, particularly for women.
I’ve always done this in relationships. I’m sure it was painful for my friends to witness during my last one. I was going above and beyond when my partner was phoning in the bare minimum toward the end there. I was overfunctioning to correct a relationship imbalance, and it was hurting me. For all that I was putting into that connection, I was getting so little in return. If I’d been healthier, that would have told me everything I needed to know about his feelings about me and the future of that relationship: He didn’t feel the same, and we didn’t have one.
But I also overfunction at work.
My last job was the perfect example. I wasn’t valued or appreciated by the end of it, even though I was pouring so much care into my work. Instead of taking steps back when I realized this, I overcompensated once again. I know the mechanisms behind it, and still, I kept doing it. I was sliding into a depression, but I stayed tenaciously optimistic on the surface, determined to make things better no matter how much it cost me.
It cost me that job. No amount of overcompensating could make them see the value in my role, my work, or what I was contributing to the organization. It wasn’t a “me” problem, and yet, I had been taking all the responsibility for it.
A Tool That’s Giving Me Back My Life
After losing that job, I took a day and a weekend to grieve and piece myself back together. While it took a bit longer than I’m making it seem, I was able to pick up work so much faster than I’d thought I would. But given my income instability and the shock of losing the last job, I immediately started to overfunction once again, and it wasn’t because I felt unappreciated. I was letting my anxiety take the wheel, and soon, all my hours were work hours, even though I wasn’t being paid to do that.
I decided to try something new this week. I decided to use The Pomodoro® Technique, created in the 1980s by Francesco Cirillo, to manage my work schedule. This technique is about using timers to manage workload. By working in 20–25 minute bursts with a small break in between, work becomes more manageable. At least, that’s the theory. While there are plenty of other techniques and tools out there, this is the one that seems to work for me.
I don’t clock in and out at my jobs. I often work remotely and freelance some of my time. What I don’t often do is limit my work hours the way I should. It can often eat into my personal time.
The thing is, I want to do my best. I want to do a good job and put my heart into my work. What I don’t want to do is burn out or get resentful of the work, which can easily happen with overfunctioning. So, I started adding a timer when I work. Mostly, it just tracks my hours through an app using the Pomodoro method, and I can check throughout the week to make sure I’m not going overboard on hours.
It doesn’t mean I won’t do anything else once I hit my required hours. If a task comes up that I need to manage, I will. But it does help me have a better idea of how I’m spending my time and if the time I have is effective in covering the work I’m doing. If it’s not, then I can easily show a workplace where more hours might be beneficial.
I’m only a few days into trying this technique, and as long as I remember to start the timer, it’s helpful. I’m already drawing some boundaries around my time, and I don’t feel like there’s something left undone. I’m likely being even more productive when the timer is running than I would be otherwise. It keeps me on task and limits distractions by running in the background.
The Larger Problem of Overfunctioning
Overfunctioning in my last job did not keep me from being seen as a necessary budget cut when times got tight. It didn’t matter how hard I worked or how much care I put into what I was doing. Going above and beyond all the time did not save me or my income from that decision.
Overfunctioning in my last relationship did not make him love me or see a future with me. It didn’t convince him of my value or how great a match I was for him. If anything, it likely highlighted a sense of inadequacy since I was obviously doing so much more and getting little in return. It didn’t save the relationship or change the way he was feeling when he was ready to end things. All it did was highlight the unreciprocated nature of my feelings.
When I started overfunctioning in these new jobs, I knew what was behind it. I wanted to prove myself. I wanted to convince those in charge of paying me that I am not, in fact, expendable. I’m not just a good person; I’m a hard worker and a creative one.
All of that isn’t bad in and of itself. But I also need to show people that I can communicate effectively and put healthy boundaries in place. I need to show them that I can manage my time without burnout. I need to make sure that I am taking care of me, so that I can take care of all my responsibilities without feeling it suck out my life force.
That work-life balance matters. My children shouldn’t get what’s left of me after I’ve given everything to a relationship or a job. They deserve the best of me. They deserve time, energy, and attention I won’t have if I burn myself out. I’m doing this for me, but I’m doing this for them, too.
An Honest Look at Tools and Techniques
Tools and techniques can help us learn how to stop overfunctioning, but the biggest help is always going to be therapy. I’ve had talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and trauma therapy. I know the value in learning more about the why of things to more effectively use those tools and techniques. The why matters. Without healing from the root cause, we’re never going to be able to practice enough self-awareness or self-control to stop.
After a while, I might not need the timers to tell me how much time I’m spending or where I’m overspending it, but they work for me right now. I’ll use them as long as that stays true. I know that I put so much of myself into my work, and I don’t regret that. I work for a museum I believe in and a regenerative farm I wholeheartedly support. Every job I take on is in alignment with my values, and I will always put my time and effort to good use promoting them.
What I won’t do is give all of myself until there’s nothing left. It won’t help. It’ll just put me on the path to perpetual, and cyclical, burnout. I’m trying to learn from my past experiences and do better this time.
Life: It’s So Much Better with Balance
This week, I spent time talking to my children and wasn’t distracted by work projects on my phone or computer. I took walks in my garden. I visited with each of my pets. I even made time to go shopping with a friend. I had all that time because I wasn’t throwing every last minute toward work like it would save me from ever feeling the anxiety of financial instability again.
I could breathe easier. I was drinking more water because I didn’t feel like I was chained to a chair. My sleep hygiene got better, too. I wasn’t staying up after midnight fiddling with some social media campaign that I’d come up with that was keeping me awake. I was falling asleep earlier and sleeping better, waking up ready to take on the day and any tasks ahead.
It’s not some miracle. I’m just putting good boundaries into practice. I’m not making some big show of work time and personal time. I’m just being conscious of how I’m spending my time and trying my best to avoid the overfunctioning behaviors I tend to gravitate toward.
I’m watching it in my personal relationships, too. This new balance will require ongoing maintenance, but it feels good to remember that Work Me isn’t the only Me that exists. I can be Relaxed Me, Playful Me, or any Me I want to be.
Obviously, Rhyming Me is clocking in right now. But I digress.
I like knowing that I can do something to break a cycle that has often left me feeling overworked, underpaid, and exhausted. I can enjoy my jobs without giving every bit of my energy to them. I can enjoy my kids and pets and still have energy to devote to my work. I can’t do everything, but everything I do, I can do with intention.
I’ve always given too much. It’s nice to take something for myself this time. I’m taking a little more peace, a lot more balance, and a reminder that people who see my value don’t need or want me to work myself into the ground to prove my worth.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Hamed Farahpour on Unsplash
