I’m a Relationship Expert but I’m Like the Nurse That Smokes

My friends and I are hanging out. We’re a group of divorced women. We’re finding our way. It’s fun, crazy, a little chaotic, and disappointing at times. Dating when we were younger was more enjoyable.

Dating after divorce is a little less fun.

One of our friends has a relationship dilemma.

She vents to us.

Everyone chimes in.

I wait. There’s a reason for this. I realize that I am a little bit of a hypocrite. My words have value. They are well-earned, well-counseled, and well-researched.

I’m a relationship expert.

I’ve been a source in national outlets, written a column, spent years in counseling and research, and more.

But here’s the thing…

I’m human. I’m not perfect. I’m like the nurse who smokes. I know all of the research, data, and knowledge. I may also fall short of it in my own personal life.

Why?

It’s all that pesky ‘family of origin’ stuff.

What is ‘family of origin?’

We grow up in individual homes.

This early environment is where we learn love. It’s where our relationships are shaped. These family members and interactions dictate what types of people, and relationships we gravitate toward.

How did my family of origin shape me?

My father left when I was 5 years old. He was a loving and funny guy. He was also a man who could never overcome alcoholism. My mom was a Steady Eddy. She was an amazing single parent to five children.

I lived in a home engulfed with love.

But I witnessed one parent with an addiction and another who loved and enabled him. My dad was a lover, not a fighter but he couldn’t stop drinking.

When I began marriage counseling, I asked the psychologist a question.

“I know this is about me,” I said. “What is it about me that made me choose the man that I married?”

I’d married a man who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

“Not everything is textbook,” said my marriage counselor. “But you had a father that physically abandoned you, and you married a man who emotionally abandoned you.”

Let me sum up my family of origin.

I gravitate toward emotionally unavailable men.

Men that I am unable to count on.

I know this.

I’m educated about this. I work to remain conscious of it. I want to make better choices. I shy away from dating circumstances that have red flag indicators.

My troubling experience with an individual with narcissistic personality disorder has made me resist dating. Ironically, it’s made me emotionally unavailable too.

Forget the nurse that smokes analogy for a moment.

Let’s say I’m the personal trainer who sneaks candy.

Again, we know the data. We know what’s good for us and what isn’t. We know what we should eat. We know how often we should work out. We know it all.

But…

Here we go again.

There’s that pesky thing called ‘the human condition.’

There are the extremes.

The experts that live, breathe, and die by their expertise. And then we know those who understand exactly what is healthy, and unhealthy but digress occasionally.

I’m fully aware of how I struggle to overcome my relationship patterns.

I’m self-aware.

It’s my curse.

I see all of my shortcomings.

Let’s get back to my girlfriend’s relationship situation.

I withheld my response to her dilemma. I realized it might not land well. Especially after the past few years of escapades. I’ve been living my best ‘healthy and not so healthy life.’

Can you blame me?

I waited a decade to go out again.

I’ve given into my emotions/pain/relief/escape…you get the idea.

Maybe not my best look, aka, the nurse holding the cigarette.

I finally insert my two cents.

My friends look at me. Their faces can’t withhold their surprise. But I expect this. They don’t view me as the woman who has spent years building her expertise.

They see me as the nurse who’s been puffing away for the past two years.

They see the man/dating/relationship mistakes I’ve made.

They see the woman who’s terrified of commitment. They see the woman who’s still working through her issues. They see the woman who recently committed to online dating who still manages to cancel dates.

Even on a hot guy that I now totally regret.

I continue to wade in the shallow waters of the dating pool.

I deliver my take on my friend’s relationship dilemma.

I know what I speak.

It’s not what she wants to hear. But down deep she knows it’s true. When we seek this type of relationship counsel, we often recognize the red flag that’s waving at us.

We realize something isn’t right.

We understand that something isn’t healthy in the relationship.

But we each have our own individual family of origin. We each have early childhood experiences that shape our relationship behavior and choices.

I’m a relationship expert.

I can diagnosis it.

Even if I’m like the nurse that smokes.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.