How to Know He’s Not the One

Are you wondering if a man you’re seeing is meant for you? Dating isn’t always easy, and neither is building a relationship. So, women often stay in relationships that are not quite right, believing the rough spots will smooth themselves out.

After all, no relationship is perfect, so you have to expect some problems, right? To a certain extent, this may be true. However, there are certain nagging feelings you may notice early on that indicate you may want to cut your losses and move on.

If a man isn’t meant for you, these 6 nagging feelings are often the first clue:

1. You have nothing to say to each other

So, you’re dating this guy, and the chemistry is amazing, but beyond that, you have no conversation at all. You don’t share any common interests, and you stare at the walls when you spend time together. When your mother or grandmother told you to “marry your best friend,” they were right.

Intimacy is very important for a healthy relationship. However, in real life, things like illness and age can cause it to take a back seat. So, for the sake of the long haul, it is important to have a partner you love to talk to.

2. You walk on eggshells

Long-term relationships should be comfortable for both parties. A couple should feel like they are at home, in a haven, when they are together. “Difficult, toxic people want you to tiptoe around their egos, wants, power, and control needs, and they want you to expect nothing from them at the same time — you’re just there to meet their needs,” couples counselor Dr. Rhoberta Shaler explained.

While every couple can experience a touchy subject or two, if you are constantly watching what you say or do for fear it will make your new sweetie angry or hurt his feelings, look ahead five or ten years into the future. Is this really what you want?

3. If a man isn’t meant for you, you’ll feel uncomfortable

Now, I’m not talking about his annoying habit of pretending to pull away as you get in the car, but if there are bigger things you don’t agree with, like his level of alcohol or drug use, think long and hard before committing to the long term.

Behavior is not something that is easily changed. It indicates a difference in values and outlook on life. If you’re uncomfortable, you’re uncomfortable for a reason. It’s your inner wisdom saying, “This guy is not for me.”

4. You can’t discuss important things

I’ve already mentioned how important it is to be able to talk to your partner. And while not every conversation has to be deep, at some point, you need to discuss the things that will affect your future as a couple. Some people put off or shy away from these conversations until after they’ve been together for a long time, or worse, until they are married.

You need to know each other’s views on marriage, infidelity, finances, children, and other important issues. These conversations don’t have to happen on the first date (or even the 15th), but if you are never getting to it, if there is resistance to having the “deep” discussions, beware: this pattern may not change.

Worse, by not knowing how your prospective partner feels about these things, you could be in for a very rude surprise long after you have fully invested your heart and soul in the relationship.

5. You feel like he’s lying to you

The importance of honesty in a relationship cannot be emphasized enough. If your new boyfriend shows a pattern of lying to you, even about small things, pay attention. Even if you believe he only lies to others and not to you, think twice.

If he believes dishonesty is okay, it’s only a matter of time before he lies to you. Outside of “No honey, you don’t look fat in that dress,” there is no place for lying in a relationship. Period.

“Deceptive behavior often emerges when someone confronts their partner with concerns, only to hear dismissive responses designed to undermine their partner’s confidence in their own perception,” explained therapist Dan Drake. “When ongoing mysterious communications are paired with unwavering denials, it forms a dynamic that relationship experts identify as calculated dishonesty, not innocent memory lapses.”

6. If a man isn’t meant for you, there’s zero trust

For any relationship to survive happily for the long term, there has to be mutual trust. After all, not many couples can be by each other’s side for 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Therefore, it is important that each person feels safe in the relationship. This feeling of trust and safety should not be dependent on constant texting or phone communication.

His afternoon with his friends should be uninterrupted by you, just as your shopping day or night out with your gal pals should be respected by him, under the assumption you both trust each other. The feeling of trust and safety in your relationship should come from the knowledge that you both hold it as being very important and special. The relationship is something that both of you are invested in cherishing and protecting.

If you feel a constant need to “check in” or “see what he’s up to,” that indicates a trust issue. The question is: What is behind it? Has your sweetie given you any reason not to trust, or is this your pattern with every romantic partner you have? If the latter is true, you may want to investigate your trust issues. A lack of trust can ruin a relationship.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.