I Accidentally Ended Up in a Dating Group Disguised as Something Else Entirely

Before joining a group online, I always read the rules. I’m invited to a lot of groups, but I don’t join them all. This one looked interesting, but it didn’t take long after I was admitted into the private sanctum of the social media group before I noticed a couple of things that were odd.

First of all, I should disclose that this was a homesteading group. I prefer “farmstead” to homestead, and I prefer regenerative, organic methods to anything else, so I wasn’t sure if this was going to be the best fit or not. I was willing to give it a try because it was also for single people who are managing homesteads by themselves. I thought it might be a good resource.

But then … things got weird.

Clues for context

The first thing I noticed that was odd was that people were posting selfies along with their gardens and farm animals. They weren’t just any selfies. They were clearly meant to be thirst traps. That was unusual to see.

Reading the long posts, most of them were centered around advertising the lifestyle to singles who might want to join them in it. Was this … a dating group? I didn’t sign up for that.

The second thing I noticed is that there were tons of male comments below any woman’s posted photo. That might not be noteworthy to most people who regularly participate in groups online, but I’ll be honest: I rarely join ones that include men.

Why I choose women-only groups

My favorite groups on the internet are the safe spaces for women where men are not allowed. Solo travel groups. Women’s hiking groups. Dating support groups. I always find these spaces to be positive, helpful, and affirming.

That’s not the case with groups that include men.

Groups with men in them often have more trolls.
Groups with men in them often result in women having to field romantic and sexual overtures, regardless of the topic of discussion.
These groups aren’t just havens for trolls. Mansplainers also haunt the comment section, quick to correct women who aren’t actually wrong by explaining with the same words what we just said or incorrectly explaining something that falls into our areas of expertise.
These groups also tend to have routine misogyny, and most of us get plenty of that in the real world and don’t need an extra helping online.

…

Of course, that’s not the only reason I tend to take a hard pass on groups that are inclusive of men. There are other reasons, ones most women know without me having to illustrate them. They are even more significant than just avoiding mansplainers and trolls.

Choosing the bear, flying solo

First of all, I was not looking for a dating group. The person who invited me knew this. Moreover, the group rules claimed that this was not, in fact, a dating group (all evidence to the contrary). Yet, most of the men responding to posts seemed primarily interested in a relationship, and most of the women posting seemed to immediately share that they were looking for a homesteading partner.

Beyond the fact that I did not intend to join a dating group, there’s the more important factor to consider: safety. Women are choosing the bear for a reason. I don’t prefer to disclose my location and single status or the details of my daily life to men I don’t know. In a group that focuses on farmsteading as a lifestyle, I’d rather be able to openly share about challenges without worrying that someone will see me as a target.

I’d also prefer to talk about homesteading without the blatant misogyny that’s sure to arrive in groups that include men. Believe it or not, I’d love tips to make this life easier, but I don’t need a man to make any of that happen. With the whole trad wife movement happening, this is all too common in mixed groups online. I’m not looking to be a trad wife, and I’m not interested in groups where that idea is being promoted either.

Yes, I’m single and homesteading. No, I’m not looking for a partner. Both things can be true.

A friend of mine tells me that every group for singles who are homesteading is like this. All of them. They are all about trying to find a partner to fit the lifestyle. It’s the Farmers Only of homesteaders. But it would be different if it were advertised that way. I was looking for community, not a love connection.

Better (and safer) community spaces

A friend of mine started a local homesteading group to exchange ideas, resources, or tools. It feels better to me. Safer. It’s clearly not a dating space, thank goodness. But it’s also about networking with other people to figure out how to make things easier for everyone.

Plus, it’s local. We’re all dealing with the same climate and weather conditions, and we can more easily share seeds and starter plants with members close by. It feels more like a community space, not a space for people looking for a wholly different kind of connection.

While I don’t oppose dating communities for homesteaders, I wish they would just be transparent. Single doesn’t necessarily translate to looking. That seems to be a hard thing for the majority of society to understand.

I started creating a post about my homesteading life in this new singles group before I deleted it. I just didn’t want to have to field comments that aren’t about this lifestyle at all. I added that post to the local group instead.

Curating a healthy online experience

I strongly believe in curating healthy online experiences. Participating in women-only groups is one aspect of that for me. The world is inundated with the opinions of the manosphere. It’s nice to have spaces where we’re not exposed to that feedback.

My absolute favorite group on social media is likely the Burned Haystack Dating Method by Jennie Young. It’s a women-only space that talks about modern dating using Young’s expertise in applied rhetoric to help women navigate the troubled waters of dating apps. Even though I’m not on the apps, I find this to be an incredible resource for all relationships. Her latest book Burn the Haystack is on my reading list this summer.

It’s also nice to join groups that prioritize transparency. It’s great if people want a place to date people who share a common interest. I’m all for that. I just don’t want to be a part of it. When groups are transparent about what they’re about, we can more easily identify which ones are for us and which are absolutely not.

Maybe it should have been obvious that a group labeling itself as “single” meant that it was for people looking for a partnership. I just don’t think about being single that way. I enjoy it. I like my life as it is. I’m not objecting to the idea, but I just don’t want to actively look for it. I’m not interested in dating groups, particularly ones that disguise themselves as something else.

I don’t fault people for looking for connection, but it’s weird to wander into a group thinking you’ll find garden and chicken advice, only to realize you’ve entered a dating space where thirst trap selfies are as common as livestock photos.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.