There’s a way out of the trap of sexual success. All you need to do is redefine what it means.
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Have you ever stopped and asked yourself what a successful sexual experience is?
It’s an important question because how you answer it says a lot about your attitudes and beliefs about sex. And that has a big impact on the kinds of experiences you’re creating and the sexual relationships you build.
One of the more common definitions of “sexual success,” at least for male/female dynamics, is intercourse that leads to orgasm.
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One of the more common definitions of “sexual success,” at least for male/female dynamics, is intercourse that leads to orgasm. And while the inclusion of a woman’s orgasm in that formula is an improvement over definitions that leave it out, this way of thinking about sexual success is still wrapped up in the goal-oriented and limited model that so often results in embarrassment or shame.
Take, for example, what happens if someone is taking a blood pressure medication that causes him to not get erections. Or if someone has endometriosis or another health issue that makes vaginal penetration uncomfortable or painful. Or if someone doesn’t orgasm reliably from intercourse. Or if they’re facing emotional or relationship difficulties that make it hard to relax into pleasure. For a lot of people in these kinds of situations, their sexual difficulties are magnified by their belief that they’re failing at sex.
One response to that is to push harder for a quick fix or a pill or a magic recipe that will allow for the kind of sex that they imagine will solve their problems. I once had a client who came to me because he wasn’t getting erections and he wanted to know if Viagra or a cock ring would help. It turned out that he was under an incredible amount of stress- he’d lost his job, his house was in foreclosure, and he and his wife were talking about divorce. But it was the fact that he wasn’t getting erections that finally prompted him to get help.
He had no idea that stress can cause erection difficulties. It makes sense- when your fight or flight response kicks in, that’s probably not a good time to be having sex. And your body doesn’t care if the adrenaline is coming from being chased by a hungry tiger or from a looming work deadline. In fact, I don’t consider what this man was facing to be “erectile dysfunction” since his body was actually functioning just right, even if it was inconvenient. Unfortunately, his ideas around sexual success (not to mention the Act Like a Man Box) had him convinced he was failing at sex.
It’s not just men who face this, of course. A lot of women in similar situations fall into this trap, too.
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It’s not just men who face this, of course. A lot of women in similar situations fall into this trap, too. And while many queer folks have redefined what sex means to them, others are still convinced that a particular sex act or a specific response makes sex successful. Another client I worked with had a very idiosyncratic sexual response and she needed the right combination of sensations to orgasm. For her, oral sex was pleasurable but it wasn’t ever going to be on the list. Her girlfriend, however, was determined to make her orgasm from oral sex. She was convinced that her oral skills were top-notch and that they should be enough. The two of them were on the verge of breaking up because they each felt like they were failing at sex, when what they needed to do was rethink that success meant.
One way that I know that a client is stuck in their definition of sexual success is that they talk about how sex “should be.” As in: I should be able to get an erection when I want to, or I should be able to make her orgasm from oral sex. Any time I hear the word “should,” I look for the underlying shame because it’s almost always there, and sexual shame is often intertwined with the idea of success or failure.
My personal definition is that a sexual experience is successful if everyone has a smile on their face at the end of it.
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Fortunately, there’s a way out of the trap of sexual success. All you need to do is redefine what it means. My personal definition is that a sexual experience is successful if everyone has a smile on their face at the end of it. It doesn’t matter what sex acts you do, and it doesn’t even matter if orgasms happen. If you both/all have smiles when you’re done, that’s a successful time. Imagine how much easier sex would be if more people could come to it from that perspective.
Of course, there are further nuances to this. There are a lot of reasons why someone might not be smiling after sex. They might not have had their needs or desires attended to. Something might have happened that triggered them. They could have had some physical discomfort or pain. In those situations, I still wouldn’t consider it a failure if the experience became an opportunity for growth. Scientists often say that an experiment is only a failure if you don’t learn anything from it.
So even if a specific sexual encounter doesn’t result in smiles, it’s still a success if you take the experience and use it to build towards the next time.
When you shift your thinking around this, it opens up a lot more room to play and have fun in bed (or wherever else you happen to be). If something comes up and one kind of sex isn’t available, there are still lots of other ways to enjoy yourselves, and they all count as a win. That takes the pressure off and makes more room for you to have a great time.
Rethinking what sexual success means to you can take some practice, especially when feelings of embarrassment or shame arise. It’s not always an easy path to follow, but it’s worth the effort. As difficult as it can be, the payoff is happier, healthier relationships and more fun sex. As a sex coach, I help a lot of people find their way there and I’d be happy to talk with you about how I can be of service to you. If you’re feeling stuck, check out my sex coaching site and get in touch!
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Thank you, Charlie, for mentioning Endometriosis as a cause of dyspareunia! As an Endo sufferer myself, I can’t even begin to tell you how exciting it is to see awareness and recognition.
Also, I’ve found that many men consider any sexual experience as binary–either there’s no physical contact (making out, etc) or it’s a penis-in-vagina-with-orgasms attached experience. Anything in between is frequently seen as a failure (or a step), which is unfortunate, because sometimes that’s exactly what I want, and this attitude harms everyone.
Props to you for helping to rewrite this script 🙂
Charlie, what I’ve found is that by replacing the word “Performance” with “Presence” *always* leaves both parties with a very deep and fulfilling smile…
More people need to know this!!! Stop pressuring yourselves fellas. We women are actually more understanding than you give us credit for. Also, not all of us have to orgasm every time. It can be incredibly enjoyable without that. Also, I’m a strong believer in the concept of stress telling our bodies how to behave. Maybe our hormones are set to the old caveman days of ‘If the lions are prowling and there’s not much food around then now is not the time to be making babies!’ Surely that’s apparent to most sensible people? Unfortunately the notion of powerful and… Read more »
“I once had a client who came to me because he wasn’t getting erections … It turned out … he’d lost his job, his house was in foreclosure, and he and his wife were talking about divorce. But it was the fact that he wasn’t getting erections that finally prompted him to get help.” and why is it that men get upset that they are portrayed as caring only about sex? No job? oh well No roof over your head? the stars are nice to look at anyway Wife leaving you? just see it as a new journey can’t get… Read more »
I think you may just have won the empathy championship /s
A man can get another job, he can get another house, he can even get — yes, another wife. But he cannot get another penis.
“My personal definition is that a sexual experience is successful if everyone has a smile on their face at the end of it. ”
My thoughts from the start. Great read, Charlie!
All that matters is that the “smile” is just as wide and fulfilling on the INSIDE with all the good feelings each person wants to feel.