Letter to my Lover

I have been living in a delusion forever about love. Not just our love, but love in general. I see it as a prayer and stage to get and give the best and surreal experience of life. And before I met you, I was praying every day and night, like a lost kite in the sky. And you are the answer to my prayers that I sometimes fail to translate and understand why.

Why can only YOU show me the colours I’ve been searching for ever since? And given recent events, I don’t think I want to question anymore.

I don’t have the pieces in me to fill the gaps I have, there must be a reason you can. And you should give me priority, not the fears and memories that hide under my skin. When I first met you, for months it felt surreal and I couldn’t understand why I dream about you and dream forever with you. It scared the hell out of me after those butterfly shaped nights were gone. It started giving me the peace and serenity I didn’t know, can be touched out of dreams. So, my fears and nightmares started pulling me out of our sheets, so you have been seeing the twisted, destroyed and apocalyptic sides of me.

They try to push you away, not because you don’t feel safe…but because I lack the courage to believe I can have the best of things. But these are very little parts of me that have kept me away from the wrong people and they don’t mean to make you feel anything best in you. And I wasn’t even aware of them before meeting you. I always told myself that whenever I will be blessed I will make sure to put efforts into learning to keep you in my life and give you my all.

And I failed yesterday, and the day before yesterday and the day before yesterday…straight for months and months. I forgot to detach these parts from me and keep you in the shade. I also closed the window where I could have the glimpse of “The best of 2025”. I am not perfect and I am not as good as I used to believe and so caused you the pain of a failed warrior in the field.

I hate myself to put I and you in the same sentence, because I can’t even gather the ashes, my words turned our world to.

But it’s me who is certainly responsible to keep you feeling loved, seen, respected and cared for in the worst of our days…I failed.

I failed, Babe, please don’t leave me in this cage. I am reminded of my duties and aware of my worst things. I can and I will use it to build better scenes.

I haven’t seen you for so long, my arms are breaking waiting for you to hold, …one more time, one more night…and for all of my life. I have so much love left for you, where else can I spend? I’m here for any punishment, my only request is to not let it be your absence.

I don’t, I won’t wish for any other luxury,

You kissing me is my only necessity.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.