Author’s Note: This article contains selected AI-generated excerpts attributed to “Dr AI”. All personal experiences, reflections, analysis, and conclusions are my own.
Intro
In April, I met this wonderful guy, Jake, at my tennis club, and the moment we shook hands, I giggled because instantly I knew I liked this guy; perhaps “like” is understating it.
Our chemistry was great; we exchanged numbers, started playing tennis together privately and spent more time with each other. Then one day, I just asked if he would like to come over for a movie and a pizza, and immediately he volunteered to say, “that he was straight and didn’t want to hurt me”. I tried to fight my way out of the conversation to say it was just a pizza and a movie to protect myself from feeling the rejection, which wasn’t the case, as he only said he was straight; he didn’t say, “Simon, I don’t want you”, but still I fought my way out of the conversation. We ended up hugging, appreciative of the conversation, and we went on with our lives.
Months later, Jake came to my house as we were on our way to an inter-club social event, and we were picking up another club member who was travelling by bus, so we had some waiting time. I invited him in, and we were sitting in the living room, which had some of my laundry in it, given that I had recently taken in a new tenant. When I said, “Excuse the clothes, I’ve recently taken in a new tenant,” he immediately asked, surprised, “Is he your boyfriend?”
Now this took me deep into fantasy land, because my mind was saying, if he jumped to that conclusion, the idea of me being with another man must be upsetting to him.
After this experience, there were some other scenarios, but I really want to get to the fun part of analysis.
So Sunday passed, and I asked him if we could meet for a pizza to have company, given it was my mother’s 1st heavenly birthday and I didn’t want to be alone that day, to which he agreed. The conversation took an unexpected but interesting turn. The topic of kids came up, and I then tried to probe again on the “straight” topic by asking, “Jake, would you like kids one day?” He then responded with, “Probably if I get a girlfriend, but I will be single for the rest of my life.”
So, a few words were then exchanged, and I probed again. “Jake, would you be okay if I got a boyfriend?” To which he replied, “Why would you ask that question?”
So, I responded, “The other day, when I told you I had a tenant, you asked if he was my boyfriend. I wasn’t sure if you were asking because you were upset or curious.”
He then responded, “Curious.”
Now, after this, the day continued gracefully; we went for a walk, and all went well, except for the part where the future I had imagined with this great guy was completely shattered.
My rational brain said, Simon, it’s done, move on, but my heart was not even remotely ready to accept the truth.
Two days later, I found myself making up thoughts like:
“Maybe he needed this conversation, so he can get around.”
“Perhaps this wasn’t the end.”
And I was like, Simon, are you f@cking insane??? The man said he is straight.
So this is where I consulted Dr AI.
Why does the brain fight for the Fantasy?
My question to Dr AI was why it is that my brain is fighting for the fantasy; I explained the situation, and it came back with very few catchy phrases that led me to this blog. I am not going to copy and paste the conversation and call it my own, so I will reference Dr AI.
- The Brain Prioritises Attachment and Survival Over Happiness
I will do my best to explain this in my own words and references here and there.
So, according to science and psychology, our brains couldn’t give a shit about our happiness, as their primary goal is attachment and survival.
Our human brain was designed to last long enough to help with procreation and assistance to human evolution.
How Dr AI explains this.
“The brain was not primarily designed by evolution to make us happy.
It was designed to keep us alive long enough to reproduce and maintain the social bonds that helped our ancestors survive.
Those are not the same thing.
In fact, sometimes they’re opposites. Think about anxiety.Nobody enjoys anxiety.
Yet anxiety kept our ancestors alive.
The anxious caveman who heard a rustle in the bushes and assumed tiger probably survived more often than the relaxed caveman who assumed everything was fine.
From an evolutionary perspective, survival “wins” over happiness.
The brain seems to operate on something like:
> Better safe than happy.
rather than:
> Better happy than safe.
Now let’s move to attachment.
Human beings are unusual. We’re one of the most dependent species on Earth.
A newborn baby cannot survive alone.
So evolution built an extremely powerful attachment system.
A child who stayed close to a caregiver survived.
A child who wandered off alone did not.
As a result, our brains evolved to treat attachment as a survival issue.
Not a preference.
A necessity.
That’s why rejection, loneliness, abandonment, and heartbreak can feel so physically painful.
The brain often processes social disconnection using some of the same alarm systems involved in physical threat.
In other words:
> Your nervous system doesn’t always distinguish between “I’m physically unsafe” and “I’ve lost an important attachment.”
Both can trigger distress.”
So, to digest this in my world, basically, Jake could have written that he is straight on an affidavit signed by a Commissioner of Oaths; the fact that my mind perceived this wonderful guy as safe has created a heavyweight attachment bond in my mind.
In fact, this explains why certain people jump from one partner to another without so much of a change of bedding, because, even though the partner changes, it keeps the attachment alive.
The problem is, the brain will later catch up with the fact that it created the attachment in the first place because that person was perceived as safe, which is not to say the same thing would happen with the next person.
Losing this bond is not easy, and so my mind keeps creating new scenarios to protect the attachment, instead of looking for a button that says Switch off! This leads to the next point.
2. Grief Often Begins with Negotiation
DR AI
People often think grief begins with sadness.
Very often, it doesn’t.
It begins with *negotiation*.
The loss occurs, reality arrives, and instead of immediately accepting it, the mind starts searching for loopholes.
Almost as if some part of us is sitting across a table from reality saying:
> “Are you absolutely sure?”
> “What if…?”
> “Could we make an exception?”
> “Maybe not today, but later?”
The reason is surprisingly practical.
Your brain’s primary job is not happiness. It’s attachment and survival.
When you’ve become emotionally attached to someone, your nervous system starts treating that person as a source of safety, belonging, reward, and future possibility.
When that attachment is threatened, the brain doesn’t instantly say:
> “Understood. Let us now detach.”
Instead it says:
> “Wait. Before we throw away this emotional investment, let’s make sure there’s really no chance.”
Think about how people react to different losses:
After a breakup:
> Maybe they just need space.
After a job rejection:
> Maybe they’ll call next week.
After a death:
> I keep expecting them to walk through the door.
After an impossible romantic situation:
> Maybe someday they’ll see me differently.
In every case, the mind is trying to negotiate with reality before accepting it.
The fantasy survives because the fantasy is emotionally cheaper than the loss.
For a little while.
What I find particularly interesting in your situation is that your negotiating mind isn’t really negotiating with Jake.
It’s negotiating with uncertainty.
The facts are actually quite clear:
– He has said he’s straight.
– He has said he likes girls.
– He has repeated it.
But your mind responds:
> “Yes, but people have changed before.”
> “Yes, but sexuality can be fluid for some people.”
> “Yes, but maybe I’m different.”
Notice what’s happening. The negotiating mind is not looking for probability.
It’s looking for possibility. And that’s an important distinction.
Your rational brain asks:
> “What’s likely?”
Your grieving brain asks:
> “Is it impossible?”
As long as the answer isn’t 100% impossible, the grieving brain tries to keep the door open a crack.
Because a crack is enough to keep hope alive.
There’s another layer that I think might resonate with you. Sometimes we aren’t actually negotiating for the person.
We’re negotiating for the meaning.
For example:
If you fully accept that Jake is unavailable romantically, it forces a painful question:
> “Then what was all this hope for?”
The mind would often rather maintain a 1% chance than face the immediate emptiness that follows the death of a dream.
A strange truth is that bargaining is often a sign of how much something mattered.
It is the psyche’s way of saying:
> “Please don’t make me let this go yet.”
Not because it doesn’t understand.
Because it isn’t ready.
And readiness usually comes after repeated encounters with reality.
Not one conversation.
Not even two.
You had pizza with him. You connected. You enjoyed his company. Then you received information that contradicts a future you had privately imagined.
That future won’t disappear overnight.
Your heart will probably revisit the negotiation many times:
> Maybe…
And then reality replies:
> He’s straight.
Then:
> But perhaps…
Reality:
> He’s straight.
Then:
> Still…
Reality:
> He’s straight.
It sounds repetitive, but that repetition is actually how acceptance forms.
Again, I don’t think I even have to try to digest this, as Dr AI explained it brilliantly. My mind is not even close to having a meeting with “Reality” at the “Real Life Headquarters” office, let alone having negotiations about how I will let go of this future I imagined.
I once heard, loosely quoted, that even though I lost Jake, the fantasy is still very real in my mind. So it makes sense; my mind isn’t ready to let go of the idea of our:
“Future marriage on the tennis court.”
“How will he do his job while I run the household like a 1950s wife with a penis?” And so on…
So how do I move on? This brings me to no. 3.
3. Acceptance is Repetition
Dr AI
Acceptance is not usually a single insight.
It’s reality winning the same argument a hundred times.
I suppose, every time I think a thought, the answer must be simple and closed.
Thought: “Maybe he thought about our conversation and had a change of mind.”
Reality: “He’s straight. Move on.”
The annoying thing is that my brain keeps trying to file an appeal. It keeps looking for new evidence, new interpretations, and new ways to reopen a case that Reality has already closed. Apparently, acceptance isn’t getting the answer you want. It’s eventually accepting the answer you’ve already got.
I never thought of acceptance like this, and it totally makes sense.
Conclusion
Honestly, I’m sad. I’m frustrated. And if I’m being completely honest, I’m disappointed because I really thought this might be the one.
But maybe that’s not the right way to look at it.
The dream isn’t dead. The wedding isn’t cancelled. The future isn’t gone.
Jake simply isn’t the lead actor in the romantic comedy my brain started writing from the moment I giggled after shaking his hand.
The role is now open for casting again.
Somewhere out there is the person I’m actually going to build that life with. The only thing that has changed is that I now know it won’t be Jake.
And while my heart may still be negotiating with Reality at the Real Life Headquarters office, I know Reality will eventually win.
When it does, I’ll be ready for the next audition.
After all, the last audition started with a giggle.❤️
References & Further Reading
The psychological concepts discussed in this article are supported by established research in attachment theory, grief psychology, and social neuroscience. Readers interested in exploring these topics further may find the following resources useful.
Attachment Theory
- John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory explores how humans form emotional bonds and why feelings of safety, connection, and attachment play such a significant role in our relationships.
- https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-issues.html
- https://mastersinsocialworkonline.org/resources/theories/attachment-theory/
Social Rejection and Emotional Pain
- Research by Naomi Eisenberger suggests that social rejection and heartbreak activate some of the same neural pathways involved in physical pain, helping explain why loss can feel physically painful rather than merely upsetting.
- https://www.nature.com/articles/nrn3231
- https://mindlabneuroscience.com/why-does-rejection-hurt-so-much/
Rejection Sensitivity
- Research suggests that humans are highly sensitive to social rejection because belonging and social connection have historically contributed to survival and well-being.
- https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/rejection-sensitivity-dysphoria/
- https://neurolaunch.com/rejection-definition-psychology/
Grief and Bargaining
- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s work on grief identified bargaining as a common response to loss, often expressed through thoughts such as “What if?” or “Maybe…” before acceptance develops.
- https://positivepsychology.com/grief-stages/
- https://psychology.ie/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/stages-of-grief.pdf
Acceptance
- Modern grief research suggests that acceptance is often a gradual process rather than a single moment of insight, developing through repeated encounters with reality over time.
- https://positivepsychology.com/grief-stages/
- https://psychology.com/tools/stages-of-grief
Author’s Commentary
This article is a personal reflection on my own experience. While the story, feelings, humour, and conclusions are my own, many of the psychological concepts discussed are consistent with established research in attachment theory, social rejection, grief, and acceptance. The excerpts attributed to “Dr AI” were included because they helped me understand and contextualise my experience.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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