Dear John: Should I Encourage My Husband to Have an Affair?

Is it ever okay to have an affair? Signed, Sick and Tired

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Dear John,

I’m a middle-aged woman who is married to a very handsome and charismatic man. We have no children and a normal, healthy marriage. But personally, I am not so healthy: three years ago I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. My illness is far from life threatening but it has still had a huge impact on our marriage–both our social life and our sex life. I am simply too tired all the time for either. My husband has not complained at all, but I just know he is suffering, too. Here’s my proposal, weird as it sounds: I think that he should have an affair, or at least some kind of social and sexual life. I truly love him and want him to be happy. It would actually be a relief to me if he found someone to spend a little bit of time with if doing so would not impact our relationship. I’m not writing this as a “poor me” but from a very practical standpoint. He often talks about female colleagues whom he likes. Do you think that this arrangement could possibly work? I want to stay married no matter what, but I also realize that my husband may need more than I can give him right now. I’m reluctant to propose it–or maybe not reluctant so much as I just don’t know where to begin. Or maybe it’s not even a good idea. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Sick and Tired

Dear Sick and Tired,

“If doing so would not impact our relationship”–that’s a big if!

I admire the dispassionate and selfless manner in which you’re approaching this, but I think you’re underestimating how unpredictable this situation could quickly become. Say your husband does try to begin a sexual relationship with one of those female colleagues he likes. What does he say to her, exactly, to get this off the ground? Does he deceive her? Telling the truth isn’t exactly romantic. What happens if they fall in love? What happens if she gets pregnant?

Maybe this could work as a last resort–maybe–but have you tried everything else? It doesn’t sound like it. Have you talked to the physician who diagnosed your chronic fatigue about the impact it has had on your marriage? Have you spoken with other sufferers about their experiences and how they coped with this diagnosis? Have you even spoken to your husband about it? You say you “just know” he is suffering. I’m sure he is, but maybe he doesn’t want to have sex with anyone else. Maybe he just wants you.

I understand how debilitating your condition can be, but if you’re concerned about its impact on your marriage, start by having an honest conversation with the man you’re married to.

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Originally appeared at Go Local Providence. Reprinted with permission.

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