How I See You and Me Now That You Are Gone

Not us, just me. Not you and I, just me. And surprised as I am to realize, it is good for now.

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Hey. Are you there?

How are you? Are you happy, healthy, doing well?

I want you to be happy. I want you to not be willfully egoistic or consciously erroneous. They are signs of weakness and I don’t want you to be weak.

But that’s what I want. I no longer know what you want. Our hearts used to beat like one. I don’t think they do anymore. It’s been a while of that.

I love you. Well, I loved you. In fact, I love you who you were. There’s a haze over the difference between the two statements. When I look into my mind’s eye and see you, I see you proud but sad; focused but tired; not alone but lonely. Burdened with the weight of your uncertain future and our abrupt past; worn out. I will go back to wanting something for you and that is for you to be not those things.

When I picture my future in my mind’s eye, I see myself upset with you. Telling you off for hurting me, not loving me when I loved you, giving up on us, going back on your word, breaking your promise to me.

I see you begging for my forgiveness, urging me to take you back, making big passionate gestures to prove your new-found love for me. I see us being stronger than our previous strong-together selves. I see you and me growing into older, wiser and stronger people. I see us growing together. I see us, on our porch with our babies and our furry babies, watching the sunset snuggled together, hearing the rain pelt on the tiled roof.

But another day, I see myself letting you go peacefully and being my single, independent self again, with no space for you. I picture my life without the pain that I began to accept as part of life with you in recent times. Away from you, in distance and heart. I see myself; not angry with you, sad over you, or left with unspoken words for you.

Then, I am indifferent to you, your successes, failures, tears and laughter. Indifferent to those particular sounds only you made, gestures you expressed your love by and all those cementing materials you filled in the crevices of my existence with.

Then again, I do not know what I see in my mind or my future. I see my shadow on the ground on a dim-lit night or my reflection on the glass window and I’m brought back to me. Not us, just me. Not you and I, just me.

And surprised as I am to realize, it is good for now. I am good for now.

Bye, my love.

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Photo: Getty Images