Cross purposes are internal ideas about “the way things should be” or mental programming that thwart can the beautiful intentions you set for your life. They can be things we picked up from our culture, our families, or our created understanding of the world and how it works. (Author’s note: I love the word ‘thwarted’ and wish we used it more often!).
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I write to ask questions of myself (and anyone listening) and offer readers that same opportunity. A few weeks ago I wrote an article called, The Nobility of Sacrifice, about a particular cross purpose I unearthed in myself. From that piece I received numerous questions and queries on the concept of ‘cross purposes’ and what they are. Basically a cross purpose is a belief or mental construct that is at odds with something else you want or desire.
Imagine you wanted to become a well-known or famous novelist or singer, yet you continually had to fight stage fright or a desire to stay small. That’s a cross purpose. The desire to do something in the public eye and the desire to stay quiet or out of the limelight and away from judgement. I see it in my clients all the time.
In the original article I said: “And that’s how you find out if you have a cross purpose. Two things you want are internally diametrically opposed to each other so you have a stalemate in achieving something you truly desire.”
Cross purposes aren’t negative, but when you pit them against an opposing desire they can create internal havoc.
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Cross purposes aren’t negative, but when you pit them against an opposing desire they can create internal havoc.
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The desire for freedom isn’t bad until it comes up against the goal of being in a committed relationship. The desires for comfort or ease aren’t negative until they meet head to head with the desire for achieving goals of success, or doing something difficult, that requires effort. In a pinch you may decide, TMT. “Too Much trouble.”
One reader commented to me that they’d be “noodling around with the idea of ‘cross purposes’ for the rest of the day”. Another reader said, “Your term “cross-purpose” really resonates. That will be ruminating in my pea-brain.” “I am not familiar with the idea of ‘cross purposes’ but when I read your article I saw something about what I’d been doing, sacrificing for my imagined sake of others.” “Do you have any suggestions on how we can identify these cross-purposes as they show up? I find that may be quite helpful. Thank you for sharing so deeply your personal experience.” “Is it possible to have cross purposes in only one area of life? It seems I may only have them in relationships, as far as I’ve noticed since reading your article.”
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“Is it possible to have cross purposes in only one area of life? It seems I may only have them in relationships, as far as I’ve noticed since reading your article.”
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I appreciate anyone that takes on the questions I ask. That’s how we grow; that’s how we learn. We ask questions of ourselves and the world and we listen for the answers.
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A bit of background from that article; that belief had been wondering around in my head like a martyred monkey creating havoc and preventing me from manifesting any kind of stable success for years; I called it ‘the nobility of sacrifice’ and it had led to me see levels of success then eventual struggles to prove my worthiness, over and over. I was sick and tired of the struggle when I finally unwound the belief that kept it in place.
Based on the questions I received, I thought it would be helpful to create some questions to ask yourself to determine if you have any cross purposes running around in the background of your own mental programming. They truly only show up when we get stuck, or when we can’t seem to move forward. That’s usually a great sign.
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Have you found yourself stuck in a particular situation or place over and over?
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Do you have a lot of knowledge on how to make things different/better in your life but things always seem to go back to the way they were?
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Do you know in your heart that you want something different but no matter what you do, you can’t make it happen?
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Do you look at other people as if they’ve discovered some kind of secret map to get where you want to go?
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Have you bought books, attended seminars, or “done work” on certain areas of your life only to find that changes don’t seem to stick?
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Do you feel like giving up on making changes since it seems “too hard” to make that part of your life change? Is something inside you telling you that it’s “too hard”? (I think cross purposes will fight to stay around so they’ll convince you changing is too tough to do.)
You, my friend, may be the victim of a cross purpose running around in your own mental operating system making it difficult for you to make changes! The next question to ask would be, “What belief or idea would I have that would want to keep me in that place? What belief thinks it’s being “helpful” by keeping me stuck here?” These are also the reasons that make people benefit from hiring a professional coach, one who’s job it is to help clients uncover these things.
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Not sure if you know what a cross purpose is?
Try going on a restrictive diet. I’ll never endorse restrictive dieting (or diets at all, I’m a fan of a whole food healthy eating plan), but it’s a sure-fire way to experience cross purposes in action. For this example: let’s say you have an intention to get healthy, lose weight, fit into some clothes, look good/look better for an event, etc., and you decide you’ll do that by restricting foods or going on a very low-calorie diet. You may be able to bend your willpower for a certain amount of time, but undoubtably a cross purpose (“I want freedom! You can’t control me! I will not be imprisoned by your crazy diet! I need SNICKERS! NOW”) will eventually show up for most people. It could be the cross purpose for freedom. Or one fighting back at being controlled. A desire to be naughty or bad. A feeling of deserving a brownie or a ice cream sundae. Undeniable cravings. At that time most of us will binge on “bad” foods or “unauthorized” foods because they can no longer “control” themselves and then blame themselves for having “no willpower”. There is an entire industry built on this principle, the fact that you will spend money to help assert your willpower and control, and you want to look a certain way (in shape).
As human beings we are programmed from the factory for survival, and there are numerous systems for that intention. When we severely limit our food intake, we fight that survival instinct. That’s just nature and it sets off a whole cavalcade of biochemical reactions to keep us from perishing: including having us crave high-fat, high-fructose (or sugar) foods fast to keep our fat stores replenished so we can stave off a long winter of starvation if we don’t get food again. Note to self: avoid highly restrictive diets!
I hope that you have a better understanding of what cross purposes are you so can unearth those pesky little suckers for yourself! I’d love to hear any results you find.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
