If you are getting a divorce and you have kids, go for 50/50 parenting or nothing at all. FIGHT for 50/50 parenting and JOINT custody. Do not agree to be the non-custodial parent, under any circumstances.
Today custody in divorce w/ children usually means someone loses. Sure, there is joint custody, but the states usually like someone to be listed as primary custodian, otherwise recognized as “the custodial parent.” And for the rest of us, usually men, we are called the “non-custodial parent.” Seems like semantics, but let me assure you, it’s serious as hell.
In my case, even though we share joint custody, my ex-wife has the custodial parent role. While we were negotiating the divorce, this term didn’t mean anything to me. I was assured that the “joint custody” covered me in all issues and decisions related to my kids. That was a lie.
What it really meant, is that the minute I got the slightest bit behind on my child support (the non-custodial parent ALWAYS pays the custodial parent) my wife was able to file our decree with the OAG (office of the attorney general) and put my life into a living hell.
Imagine if you’re struggling already. Imagine asking the co-parent to wait a few months while the work situation settles out, so you can get back on track with payments. Then imagine your significant other saying, “Sorry, I’m filing with the AG’s office today. It’s for the kids, not for me.”
BS.
Once the decree is signed and you (the dad) have agreed to a specific payment each month, the AG’s office becomes a collection agency. They’ve got one of those lovely phone trees that asks before anything else, “If you are the custodial parent press ONE, if you are the non-custodial parent press TWO, if you are an attorney press THREE.”
You don’t want to be the non-custodial parent under any circumstances. Remember all that stuff you learned in couples therapy about power and control? The divorce brings out the worst of the dysfunction. And if your co-parent becomes a custodial parent, you are about to get punched in the balls. (Pardon my assumption that the dad is 80% of the time, the non-custodial parent, in my state of Texas.) If you are the mom who is non-custodial, then you can be prepared to have random titty twisters anytime there is a dispute.
But we weren’t having a dispute. I was telling her exactly what was going on. “My company just lost a big client, we’re struggling as quickly as we can, so if you can be patient…”
She was not patient. She waited exactly one month before sending me threatening emails. Talking about “for the kids,” and “not doing them a favor by letting you continue to not pay.” But here’s the problem with that ill-logic. Once you’ve signed a decree for divorce with kids, the child support agreement goes into law. Not even bankruptcy can wipe away your child support obligations. So if my wife was smart, and she was, she would’ve known this. I’m sure her attorney told her as much.
So if I’m not ever going to be able to skip out on my financial obligation to my ex-wife and my kids, what’s the point of filing against a cooperative parent? Power. And. Control. Now she has 100% of the power. And with the arm of the law she also has compete control over my financial future.
By filing with the AG’s office she effectively prevented me from restructuring my mortgage with Wells Fargo. She also got a lien placed on my credit score that began to damage my financial stability and resources immediately.
HARD AND FAST RULE: If you are getting a divorce and you have kids, go for 50/50 parenting or nothing at all. FIGHT for 50/50 parenting and JOINT custody. Do not agree to be the non-custodial parent, under any circumstances. You will regret giving in on this single point more than any other item in your divorce, so PAY ATTENTION.
In my future, I have my ex-wife to thank for the hardship of used car loan rates in excess of 19%. And she could care less. She claims to be all compassionate and always interested in protecting the kids interests. But suing your coparent is not protecting anyone’s interest. There was no need to attach a debt collector to my account, I was on the hook 100% and willing. But I went through a minor setback for one month in the summer three years ago. And I still can’t get a car loan.
Always Love,
John McElhenney
@wholeparent
Back to Positive Divorce & Co-Parenting
related posts:
- The Joy of Divorce and the 3 Gifts of Breaking Up
- The Hero’s Journey of a Divorced Dad
- Focusing On the Other Person is a Trap
- The Spiritual Quest for Love
- The 3 Immutable Laws of Positive Co-Parenting
- The Transcendent Single Father
- The Positive Divorce is Up To You: The Two Levels of Healing
reference: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
image: tango creative commons usage
I was assured that the “joint custody” covered me in all issues and decisions related to my kids. That was a lie. As you say its pretty much a bold faced lie. Men are told this because accepting “joint custody” is a better alternative that risking losing custody altogether by fighting for more. Its the same thing as an innocent person taking a plea deal because even if they are innocent they are too scared to risk going to trial, losing, and going away for a long bid. So dads take a bits of custody they are offered because they… Read more »
Not saying this is your particular truth, but this whole article seems to argue for 50/50 parenting because of what it means to the ‘loosing’ parent, rather than addressing what is best for the children involved. While I can completely sympathise, the article feels filled with bitterness caused by your particular situation, and does not address what is best from an objective standpoint for the child/children.
What is best for the children is both parents. What is not best is the current structure that exiles and alienates the father in 85% of divorce cases.
You are damn skippy there will be, and should be some resentment for that. Who has the right to toss us from our children’s life, and then claim that it is in their best interest?
I don’t think it does children any good to use a media platform to publicly attack your ex, this article has many valid points that are diminished by the overwhelming hurt and anger on full public display. I would want 50/50 but that’s me, this may not be the case for everyone and I wouldn’t suggest that it is.
This is supposed to be the GOOD men project and we should keep it that way.
Totally agree, that was my reaction too when I read this, and another article by the same author. Both pieces were dripping with bitterness. My initial and selfish need, if I found myself in this position would be a desire for 50/50 access, out of need to see my child, but the child’s needs should be considered first and foremost and can be affected by a whole host of issues, the last of which should be monetary implications.
Mother custody as an absolute, the exile of father’s from the family is not at all in the best interest of the child, and we know this because every available study on the subject has concluded the same thing. It is in the best interst of the mother. It is in the best interest of the state It simplifies the work load of the courts, makes it easy for them to assembly line it rather then take case by case, and it is profitable with Federal kickbacks determined by the highest potential child support standards, which, of course, is typically… Read more »
So how do we construct change, then, Bill? We’ve been trying the nice way for over 35 years, and as you demonstrate here, people have no clue as to what is actually going on? Critiquing John, or calling a guy out as being “bitter” is not a solution, but just a part of the problem, especially when, if you read the media, it has been done to father’s for the entirety of that time from the dead beat dad canard (women are actually more likely to be dead beats then are fathers), to the many stories right here at GMP… Read more »