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Not What I Expected
By Wing Lam, Santa Ana, CA
From Dads Behaving DADLY: 67 Truths, Tears, and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2014 Motivational Press. Reprinted with permission. By Hogan Hilling and Al Watts.
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When my son, Greg, became a teenager, his rebellious behavior and attitude between the ages of sixteen and nineteen was of great concern to me. Not only was I confused by his conduct but I also questioned my skills as a dad. I felt helpless. I felt like I had failed him in some way. It didn’t stop me from trying to help him, though. I was compelled to not give up on being his dad.
I had heard the teenage years are often a struggle for both the child and the parents. Greg’s behavior still came as a shock. He did well in school academically. He didn’t cause any major problems outside the home, but when he was home, he was moody, short-tempered and defiant.
On a scale from one to ten for teenage angst, Greg was a seven. Nevertheless, my anxiety level as a dad, as well as my concern for Greg, was at an eleven on the parent anxiety scale.
Nothing I tried seemed to reverse his increasingly defiant behavior at home. I wondered how the sweet child I had raised could have turned into this irrational and insensible teenager.
Was there something I did to cause his lack of respect for me?
Was I not involved enough during his childhood years?
What was it I did or didn’t do to make him so angry?
Despite my busy life and long work hours as one of the owners of Wahoo’s Fish Taco, I felt I made time whenever I could to participate in his early childhood years. I worked hard to build a bond and connection with Greg through sports and other activities. I accompanied Greg to the YMCA Mommy and Me swim lessons where I was the only father in attendance. I also introduced Greg to activities like diving and tennis. By his mid-teens, however, Greg lost interest in sports, finding his passion in the arts and dancing.
When it came to dancing, Greg was a quick study. If a dance instructor demonstrated a routine, Greg had the ability and skill to imitate the dancing sequence immediately, not missing a beat. I quickly recognized his artistic talents, and so did others. It made me proud that he found his passion and a love for something he enjoyed. After high school, he attended the University of California San Diego and majored in Visual Arts.
I hoped the time away at college would help. Maybe he was acting out because he wanted to assert his independence. Maybe he just needed a break from me. Whatever the reason, I thought it would give us the space we needed to eventually repair our relationship.
It didn’t. He became even more belligerent.
After his freshman year at UCSD, Greg asked me to pay for him to live in an apartment off campus instead of live with a roommate on campus. It was a lot more expensive, so I refused. He was not happy.
Then, during his sophomore year, he asked me if he could transfer to New York University. His reasons were vague, and the expense was unreasonable considering the fact that UCSD had similar programs and was in-state. Again, I refused to give him the money, and again he was very angry with me.
Despite going away to college to follow his passion, Greg was still unhappy, defiant and disrespectful. I feared our relationship was ending like so many other fathers and sons who cannot get along into adulthood.
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The moment it all changed came during a dinner he and I shared in San Diego when he was still nineteen. He was quiet, but something seemed to be weighing on his mind. Finally, in a moment of courage or desperation or both, he said it.
“Dad, I am gay.”
The first thing that came to my mind was: “I guess the wedding plans are going to change.”
The next thing was a sigh of utter R-E-L-I-E-F!
Wow, the word “gay” explained everything! It relieved all the frustration and anxiety that had built up inside me. I was so happy to hear the word “gay.”
Finally, everything from the past four years made sense. I understood Greg’s behavior wasn’t rebellious or disrespectful. He struggled to hide his sexuality from me and everyone else. He also was very concerned about how I would deal with it. But to me, all his actions and decisions now made sense. Now I understood why Greg requested his own apartment. When he explained his boyfriend Scott lived in New York; I realized why Greg wanted to transfer to NYU.
The reason for his disrespectful behavior turned out to have nothing to do with me. It was about Greg and a difficult burden he carried. While I was confused by and frustrated with his teenage behavior, he was dealing with a lot more in trying to understand his own sexuality.
In hindsight, my life would have been less stressful if he had told me years earlier about his struggles and maybe his teen years would have been happier if I had known and could have helped him through it.
Coming out as gay, however, is not an easy thing to do, especially for a teenager. He was afraid of how others negatively view homosexuality. He was afraid of how I would react. He was afraid of the backlash I might receive from my customers if they knew my son was gay. I understood Greg’s fears and was happy he came out of the closet when he did.
After dinner, I immediately went into acceptance and support mode. As the days, months and years passed, I became his biggest advocate. Our father-son relationship blossomed with each passing day. I also had the honor and pleasure of meeting Scott.
Greg and I talked on a regular basis about his talents, goals, and dreams. I hooked him up with friends I knew in the music and art industry. One of them was Malcolm Campbell, the publisher of Spin Magazine in New York City. This new job afforded Greg the opportunity to be closer to Scott.
As I noted before, Greg was a quick study. He swiftly climbed his way up the fashion corporate ladder and made a name for himself. He built a good reputation as an innovative and upcoming entrepreneur. In 2010, Greg and Scott founded the company Kneon based in Marina Del Ray, California. Kneon is a self-service e-commerce platform that enables top-tier publishers to connect to retailers through any digital image.
Despite the turmoil during the teenage years, I wouldn’t change a thing about how Greg and I have grown as father and son. I feel it was meant to be this way. Fatherhood has its challenges, and you can’t avoid the inevitable teenage years. What is important is how you work through the challenges and develop a relationship built on respect, trust, honesty, and courage.
On that memorable evening at dinner, Greg gave me the best gifts he has ever given me. He respected my role as his dad; he trusted me enough to tell me he was gay; he was honest with me about his sexuality, and he demonstrated great courage by coming out of the closet.
While I feel proud to be Greg’s dad, I’m much more proud of him.
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Wing Lam is a dad to his son, Greg. Wing is an owner of Wahoo’s Fish Taco, a national restaurant chain. The Wahoo’s story begins in 1988 when the three Wahoo’s brothers, Wing, Ed and Mingo, combined their love of surf and food to create a restaurant with an eclectic Mexican/Brazilian/Asian menu and a Hawaiian north-shore vibe. Wing and his wife, Kelly, live in the Los Angeles area.
Hogan Hilling is a nationally recognized and OPRAH approved author of 12 published books. Hilling has appeared on Oprah. He is the creator of the DADLY book series and the “#WeLoveDads” and “#WeLoveMoms” Campaigns, which he will launch in early 2018. He is also the owner of Dad Marketing, a first of its kind consultation firm on how to market to dads. He is also the founder of United We Parent. Hilling is also the author of the DADLY book series and first of its kind books. The first book is about marketing to dads “DADLY Dollar$” and two coffee table books that feature dads and moms. “DADLY Dads: Parents of the 21st Century” and “Amazing Moms: Parents of the 21st Century.” Hilling is the father of three children and lives in southern California.
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Originally published in Dads Behaving DADLY: 67 Truths, Tears, and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2014 Motivational Press. Reprinted with permission.
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