Men and women clearly have different strengths.
Women are naturally better at communicating than men. There have been a wide number of studies showing that women possess a larger vocabulary, process information and speak more quickly, literally using more words every day than men do.
And likewise, there are some things that men are naturally better at than women, such as problem-solving, being direct and to-the-point, and even excelling at some mental tasks.
Science has told us that we evolved this way from the days of when men had to hunt for food and women stayed back to take care of the community and the family. Communication is a skill that has been cultivated in women for hundreds of years. During that time, communication was much less necessary for men – even potentially scaring off the prey for which they were hunting.
I work with couples all day long where the woman is craving a more intimate connection with their spouse. And they believe the best way to do this is to communicate more frequently and about deeper, more important topics than what’s happening with the kids. It makes sense since that’s where women are most comfortable. But just because that’s a skill that comes naturally to women doesn’t mean that is the singular way we can improve the connection and intimacy in our marriages.
Modern psychology suggests that communication is the path to intimacy. But given our respective histories regarding communication, that also implies then that men are going to struggle with intimacy, which isn’t necessarily the case. They might struggle with delivering on the promise of intimacy in their marriages through the single portal of communication.
What I’m suggesting is that maybe communication isn’t always the best – and certainly not the only – answer to increasing intimacy within the marriage. Maybe there can be many paths to intimacy when each partner can allow the other to express it in the way that feels good for them.
Much like the concepts expressed in Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, there is no one right way to show love, and there is no singular right way to cultivate intimacy. So the most important thing is to know is how your partner expresses love and attempts to cultivate a closer connection.
If you genuinely want to cultivate a more intimate relationship with your spouse but know that long, in-depth conversations aren’t your strong suit, here are a few other ideas:
- Find one thing to appreciate about her each day and tell her. Thank her for making a delicious meal. Tell her how her eyes light up when she’s happy. Tell her you appreciate her continuing to laugh at your jokes, even after all these years.
- Be present for one another. When she’s speaking – since communication is important for her – look her in the eyes, really listen without worrying about what you should say, put down the phone and turn off the television.
- Create something together that feels fun for both of you. Cook a meal together, take a class together, complete a project around the house that you’ve both wanted to do for a while, or plan a vacation together. Coming together to create something new that didn’t exist previously is a fun way to feel more connected to one another.
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Communication can be a great way to amplify intimacy within a marriage, but it doesn’t have to be the only way to do so. If one or both of you struggle with emotions, vulnerability, and communication, there are many other ways to feel closer to your beloved.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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