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Tom Bilyeu and Lisa Bilyeu (@lisabilyeu) sit down and talk all things relationships primarily fixed mindsets and communication in this episode.
Tom Bilyeu is the co-founder of 2014 Inc. 500 company Quest Nutrition — a unicorn startup valued at over $1 billion — and the co-founder and host of Impact Theory. Impact Theory is a first-of-its-kind company designed to facilitate global change through the incubation of mission-based businesses and the cultivation of empowering content. Every piece of content Impact Theory creates is meant to underscore the company mission to free people from The Matrix and help them unlock their true potential. Impact Theory exists to inspire the next generation of game-changing companies and creators that will make a true and lasting impact on the world.
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what’s up everybody welcome to a very
special Facebook live I am your host Tom
bill you and I am here was so and so as
she introduced herself to me was amazing
I wish you guys have been here but my
beloved beloved wife so we are doing
we’re trying out a new type of content
we’ve had a lot of feedback about people
wanting us to do more shows on
relationships so here is said show but
nonetheless I talk to that camera by the
way now now okay I was given strict
instructions in the beginning to speak
to that camera so I was trying to so
here we are
alright so topic number one topic number
one unit yeah so what was topic number
one again Oh a fixed mindset with people
that you love so this is something that
I get asked about a lot people have
heard my answers what how do you
approach somebody that you loves you’re
not gonna cut them out of your life
which is sort of my harsh advice nine
times out of ten like most of the time
the answer is if somebody’s in your life
does a fixed mindset then you’re gonna
have to cut them out just surrounding
yourself with that it just it doesn’t
work so it’s gonna drag you down and so
whenever possible you’re gonna migrate
them out of your life sometimes however
when that’s somebody that you’re very
very close to it’s just not an option so
what are you doing yeah for me it’s
actually a lot harder than it is for you
I don’t know if that’s a man/woman thing
but I find it obviously very hard to
just cut people out of my lives my life
for that reason and what’s that reason
being a woman no no no just cutting them
out of my life because they’ve got a
fixed mindset mmm you know because I so
want to help them like I have a hard
time separating their like the way it
should be and the way it is so it’s like
but if they would just pay attention and
you send them examples of you know
empowering people that they can follow
and it’s just the if I can’t get through
some I start getting frustrated because
I love them so much that I want them to
succeed and so I try to shape change
their mind
go on well I’m just curious because life
has told you time and time again that
that doesn’t help right so if they’re
not open to changing and you’re getting
frustrated which makes them even less
likely to change like why keep pursuing
that evidence
yeah and that’s something I struggle
with and I’m really really working on I
think I’ve done a lot better over these
last few years and just you know
something you always say to me just
accept people for who they are and if
you know that they’ve got a fixed
mindset and you maybe try to show that
help them and it’s just not possible
like just detach yourself so I’ve tried
to stay in that mindset of this this
person is who they are I love them for
who they are but if they can’t help
themselves then you know me getting
frustrated with them only makes them
feel bad about themselves and so that I
don’t like also a big part of the
problem is when somebody starts feeling
badly about themselves they they retreat
within they put up their defenses they
push back they become less and less
likely to listen to you
and that’s really where my whole notion
of and I’m grateful for it because I
think meeting somebody with compassion
and empathy is is virtually always the
right answer
the only person god I guess you as well
but for the most part the only person
that I don’t always meet with compassion
and lets me nice and controversial here
for a second the only person I don’t
always meet with compassion and empathy
is myself and the reason that I don’t
always meet myself with compassion and
empathy is I trust myself to know when
to push on something and when to let go
when to reward myself emotionally and
when to punish myself and that gets me
where I’m ultimately trying to go and
because I know that I’ll be able to do
that in in the right amounts to now I
give myself an emotional trouble where
I’m just beating myself up I’m feeling
like a smaller version of myself I find
that that little push works but with
other people it does not and everything
that because I virtually every piece of
advice that I have for people in my life
comes from me having done it the wrong
way and learning through the school of
hard knocks that it doesn’t work and
that certainly is the truth with you
know you so I see how much it impacted
my own life
and I want to help them I want them to
go through the same thing that I went
through so that they get to the other
side so that they can be much more
empowered that they can do things that
they otherwise wouldn’t been able to do
simply by making a switch in their mind
and once you know what to do it seems
it’s not easy but it’s very very simple
and so you want that for them but the
more you push the more they resist and
so pushing like even though it means
that you may have to play a very long
slow game like it may take a year may
take ten years it may take decades but
it the only thing I know is that meeting
them with compassion and empathy and
then just living by example will be a
lot faster than pushing but you push me
a lot but I think that’s because you
know me well enough you know that that’s
what I need to then do you know why I do
it I was about to say because you know
me well enough to know that I actually
need to have that hard knock to sort of
I’ve done it because you’ve bought in
like you and I have agreed that and this
side goes back I mean we made this
agreement a long time ago but you and I
agreed that there was like a certain
standard that we would live by so it’s
like that letter I gave you to read to
me if I was in a really bad mood to like
hate me this is me I have no interest
other than to see you get what you want
out of life and so you know without any
motive beyond something that you want
for yourself trust me you don’t want to
stay angry like let it go laughs you
know do all the things you need to do to
get out of that it was me being reminded
of something that I had agreed to and so
because you’ve bought in you’ve bought
into a growth mindset not only in
actions but on paper all I have to do is
remind you hey you’ve bought into this
and because of that it’s not me like
pushing you it’s you remembering that oh
yes this is something that I want for
myself that’s true yeah because we knew
in that moment and you are feeling very
emotional and you know you know you’re
feeling very emotional
it’s hard to kind of see the unemotional
side of it was like yes you don’t you
know you don’t have a fixed mindset and
you can get over this it’s like it’s you
remind me to not listen to my emotions
to then dictate my actions and I think
that that’s actually really powerful and
because I admire you so much and you
have you know you’re the love of my life
the one person that I fight for every
day I don’t want to disappoint you so
when you remind me of that it then kind
of gets me out of that emotional feeling
and then starts my brain going it’s like
oh yeah you can do this you can’t fail
him you have to push yourself and so
yeah but I noticed when you do it as
well and sometimes it really frustrates
me when you do it but in that moment
even when it frustrates me I tell myself
he’s doing it because he loves you so
step by and yell yeah
alright let’s have a look to see we’ve
got any questions let’s check this out
oh I don’t see who wrote this do you
think we still can have a selfish time
with two kids I’m not sure who sent that
Jared so to whoever asked the question
do do we think that you can have selfish
time you when you have two kids my
answer is you have to make that time so
it’s you’re certainly not gonna stumble
upon it kids will take up every bit of
energy that you have but yes selfish
time to me is absolutely critical and
you know so it’s like like we think
about vacations around here vacations
have to be sacred I was just saying this
to Jared the other day you know when he
goes away on vacation it’s like so first
of all the players here are linchpin
players so when they go their absence is
felt like no one has like that oh well
it doesn’t really matter what I do so
whenever somebody here leaves it’s like
there is massive slack that has to be
picked up and so Jared and I were
talking and I was like dude look you’ve
got to like don’t turn your phone on
don’t look like don’t engage because the
vacations have to be sacred so whatever
like however you have to distribute your
workload before you go do it
and make sure that everything is going
to be covered so that you can have that
downtime so that’s like being a parent
right so it’s never it’s not like oh no
one’s gonna feel your absence and so
just take your time and don’t worry
about it it’s work with your spouse to
make sure that they’re willing to bear
an extra burden so that you can have
that selfish time and that you need to
reciprocate and bear that extra burden
sometimes they can have selfish time and
there’s something about and and one of
the key elements of selfish time is that
it’s like the one time I allow myself
that nothing needs to be productive
right like I can just zone out I can
play video games I could read fiction
like whatever it is that I want to do
even if I don’t believe it’s moving me
forward that I take that time and I just
truly indulge on an emotional level I
think that’s super important I think
people have to carve that time out yeah
and you know going back to what you said
like not feeling guilty about it right
we don’t have kids so obviously we can’t
speak on that don’t we have kids yeah so
you know obviously you don’t know how
that feels but I do know from friends
who have kids that they feel guilty
about saying this selfish lump is
without their children you know and I
think when you can own that and when you
don’t feel guilty about that because it
doesn’t mean that you love your kids any
less right it’s like with me and you
when I say I want selfish time sometimes
the selfish time is without you doesn’t
mean that I don’t sometimes I mean but
really that’s the idea of selfish time
right is that you get to be alone yeah
but we both want to play video games for
instance that selfish time that we both
happen to win it yeah but so I think
what they’re bringing up because it’s
something that I brought up in the past
and the show is like really selfish time
so not where we’re using it to really
come together so think about our
Saturday nights so we spend all day
Saturday together we’re doing things
together but then say around 8 or 9
o’clock which normally is bedtime at
that point we do our own thing and you
watch TV shows that I don’t want to
watch and I go either play more video
games or I read or you know whatever but
something that I want to do by myself
sure yeah I mean I guess I don’t think
there’s selfish time like at least for
me it’s there’s multiple things I want
to do enough that is selfish and
is play videogames with you that’s not
really selfish thing because that’s like
relationship yeah good stuff but even if
you didn’t want to play I would still
play no members last time you played all
by yourself when you own a business trip
no did you call my sister yeah but we
said the day before without did you
really oh my god I’m a little aroused
right now that is amazing Wow
in fact let’s talk about video games
because that really brought us together
yes so um yeah I guess he used to play
video games all the time by himself and
that was your selfish time it’s like I
want to go play video and what she meant
was I would play by myself all the time
just for the right plane all the time oh
and by the way I’m happy by myself and
yeah what made you want to ask me to
play about what was that a pleasure
shared is a pleasure doubled that was
the honest I was having so much fun
doing it and it was one of those things
that the reason that I always use the
example of playing video games is is the
the example of something that if you can
find a way to make money doing something
that you think is stupid or other people
have told you is stupid or whatever like
to really try to do that because video
games is one of those in an alternate
universe somewhere I design houses for a
living because I absolutely love that
and then in an alternate universe
somewhere I’m in the video game industry
because I I love it so much like it is
it is the industry that may be even more
than movies has learned to manipulate
brain chemistry in just this incredible
drug like way so you know I would play
and I would have so much fun and it was
like this microcosm of trying something
accomplishing winning and like playing
on a team and so I was left playing with
strangers people that didn’t know that I
would find in a website or whatever and
I thought man this would be so much fun
if I were playing with my at first it
was my sister and so my sister and I
started playing and that was a lot of
fun and not like because first of all it
was a three man team so it being my
sister and I and
and somebody we didn’t know and we’re so
bad that we were always like just a
little embarrassed to drag somebody down
to our level and I thought wow this
would be so much fun if you played and
then I started thinking actually think
you’d get better at this than I am
because you process visual information
so rapidly which at least the game that
we play is all about how rapidly can you
process the visual scene where things
are coming check your radar know where
you’re being attacked from and know what
to do and I thought you’d be really good
at that and because getting good is part
of the fun I thought well if I can get
you into this world not only will I get
what I want which is a team of people
that I love that we can strive and
accomplish together but in the end you
would actually get really good and then
you would have that reward of wow I
started out really bad and now I excel
at something and I thought that would be
fun to share as well so you thought the
act of getting better you’d I’d really
enjoy yes that’s why video games work
video games are like that’s why they
call it gamifying something right so
yeah every marketers like Holy Grail is
to gamify something now that word simply
comes from the video game industry and
the way that they can turn things into a
game so leveling up your character that
you know like in destiny xur only shows
up two days a week they could have them
show up every day but they don’t do it
because they want you to strive to gain
these coins and then you could spend the
coins and it’s all fake but it so ties
into that human desire for mastery to
get better to earn something to spend
something to buy things that you want to
covet things to get those things that
you covet I mean it’s it’s brilliant
yeah I mean I remember you talking about
all of that and you know you would go
off and game and then we’d get back
together and you baby I got to this
light level and I got this weapon you
know I was playing the crucible one blow
and I’m like oh babe like because I had
no idea what you were talking about and
then when you first asked me it’s kind
of you say like just tell me what you
want don’t expect me to want to do it
like don’t expect me to want to do the
dishes just tell me you want me to do
the dishes and I’ll do it because it’s
the feeling you want to get from that
person and so when you ask me I don’t
want to play video games like it’s not
my thing I used to play a lot of video
games as a kid but
it’s not really my thing anymore but
because you had asked my thought you
know what like this is meaningful to him
for me to show that I’m willing to try
it just try it and you even said like
give me like an hour of your time okay
no worries like this is a way of me
showing that I really care and I think
that’s really important in relationships
like even if it’s something you don’t
want to do just knowing that I’m gonna
make that person happy by doing it like
bring enthusiasm to the table versus
like fine I’ll play and then you’re
sitting down and you’re playing and you
know like oh this is rubbish in a way
like the whole point is to make that
person feel good so if you’re gonna do
it go in there and have fun so that was
the first step like all right bless you
you were very honest you were very
upfront of what you want I’ll sit down
I’d give it a shot and then after that
first hour you just look to me like
thank you so much like you don’t
understand how meaningful that was to me
and the fact that you told me how it
made you feel made me want to do it
again so it’s not I didn’t actually want
to play video games I just wanted you to
feel that that thing that you’d fell
like you’ve given up your time for me
thank you voice oh that was then bless
you like I really want you to feel like
that again so that’s what I’m gonna do
I’m gonna next time next week we’ll play
another hour and then again you’re like
you you know you’re so good thank you so
much like I had so much fun I know
you’re not great right now but and so it
was that I started out wanting to make
you happy and like here’s something that
I can actually do the is gonna be
leaning for to you and then it trans in
transition didn’t do like this actually
is team building I mean you would be
very you know working our tactics and
our strategy and then obviously with
your sister like it was an amazing way
for me to bond with her and to finding
those things that that one person likes
that you’re opening and willing to try
and then go in at full force like don’t
just give it 50% right do it a hundred
percent cuz you know you’re making that
person happy and once you open your mind
to that there actually is opportunities
to enjoy it so meaning your sister now
even when you’re gone like we gave it up
we kill fools because it’s just fun it’s
team-building it really is bonding like
when
you win you win together and really that
team Boddie is what we do here in
bacteria as well so truth all right
let’s get to some questions okay I’ve
got a question all great question from
Guadalupe M Burrell’s sorry if I
butchered your name and what if you and
your partner are in two different phases
in life such as one of you has clear
goals and intentions and the other is
still uncertain about what to do how can
you help them figure out their path
without making them feel like they are
holding you are holding their hand yeah
that’s that that really is an amazing a
good question so who it goes like this
first of all the most important thing in
any relationship is selection and I
think a lot of times what’s hiding
behind this question is that people have
not chosen wisely and they’re not on
like it’s okay to be at different phases
in your life it’s but being like not
bought in on core beliefs is where
people get into trouble so for instance
if you weren’t bought into a growth
mindset this would be a nightmare and I
honestly don’t know that it would work
and I think having one fixed mindset and
one growth mindset is a recipe for
disaster
yeah it just it is and I could be rael
like I could do a whole episode on why
that’s just never going to work but if
you have two people that really are in a
growth mindset and you’re meeting that
person with empathy and compassion then
it becomes tactical right so what are
the tactics to help somebody find what
they really want to do and it really is
twofold so one it’s got to be something
that’s monetizable and I think that
people often lose that in like well this
is what I want to work okay I get that
you want that to be something that worse
that’s where you want to spend your time
but if you can’t find a path to
monetization it’s never gonna work
and then the other is like how do I find
the thing that I’m passionate about and
that is a really formulaic thing that’s
a great news so all the people that
write in saying you know how do I find
that thing that I’m passionate about it
really is about identifying overlapping
areas of interest so what are those
things that you’re interested in where
do things converge so I’ll just use
always use the crutch of videogames so
and I’ll talk about quest so growing up
as a kid I never would have said hey
Quest is that thing that I’m deeply
passionate about meaning food nutrition
but it was a huge area of interest for
me and because I wanted to escape the
fate that so many people in my family
had succumb to
you know growing up in a family that was
morbidly obese and so that was already
on my radar I had to learn about
nutrition for my own sake I had to get
disciplined and show up in the gym
everyday for my own sake and that was
tough I’d been doing for years and years
and years before we got into quest same
with you right so it was just a huge
huge part of our life and then you have
the overlapping area of interest where I
really really like to help people and
I’m wired for that I’m wired I find real
joy and seeing other people win and so
you put that overlapping and then a
third area of interest which was I love
media media is my first love it is the
thing that just like really has captured
my attention and I could see what was
about to happen in social media and this
is you know when we first started
conceiving of the company’s 2009 nobody
understood how social media was gonna be
beneficial for companies but I could see
that it really was about building
relationship through content and that
was just a whole new world and so it was
letting me bring like Quest was those
three things and in the center of that
was something I could monetize so you
had three areas of overlapping interest
where I had already proven to myself
that I wanted to gain mastery in it
right I was fascinated by a nutrition I
was fascinated by human metabolism was
fascinated by the concept of wellness
body and mind really wanted to help my
family and I could see whoa at the
center of this what I understand about
business there’s something really
powerful here it’s a consumable so if
you get people excited about your
product they literally eat it and they
have to come back for more
so that was like a fantasy come true and
there’s similar things to that with
media where for whatever reason the way
the human psyche works like once you’ve
consumed that TV episode you don’t just
want to watch it again you want the next
one and the next one or the movie you
want the next one and the next one and
so there’s a hyper transience to it all
so I know that it’s monetizable in that
way so
it’s literally getting them to buy in on
a growth mindset so that they actively
but what if you meet someone because I’m
trying to really get down to the
nitty-gritty of what they’re asking so
you’re in two different phases of their
life so what happens when when we first
met I wouldn’t say that we both had
growth mindset neither of us did right
so what if one of you as you grow your
you start opening your mindset but the
other person doesn’t like what do you do
then cuz it’s not you falling in love
you’re you’re in it you’re married I
don’t know if they’re married or that’s
assumed worst case married kids the
whole night right debt right no as a
partner to me you want to help that
person yeah right and I know we had the
conversation earlier and the thing is is
that I wouldn’t just give up on you
right I would yes we’re dying to say
something right now but I’m yeah I
wouldn’t give up on you as my husband
who I love dearly if I really believed
you had that potential to have like if I
didn’t think you had the potential then
I would I think that would be a
different matter like if you just
assumed I don’t that you don’t have I’m
a fixed mindset and the more you try to
help me the more I resist the more
frustrated you get the more I double
down in my position and I tell you to
stop trying to act like my mother just
love me for who I am yeah and I how long
has it been that I’ve been trying for
three years and and it’s just getting
worse yeah I think I’d have to I would
have to diss we would have we’d have to
separate yeah the like there’s I’m
telling you it is not a tenable
situation for somebody like and here’s
the really bad news the part of the
reason that I think you have emotions is
you have to hit like a blow-up point
where you really feel badly and there’s
there’s an emotion so intense that you
so don’t ever want to go through again
that you have a breakthrough and how to
put people in that situation I don’t
know
and so here’s the really bad news if
those two people split up one of two
things will happen they will either
become so angry and so disenfranchised
with that relationship that they the
only thing
left is a growth mindset the only thing
left is to look inward and ask how was
this my fault and they will become a
better person on the other side or
they’ll become embittered forever and go
down this one-way dark path of it wasn’t
my fault this person was an asshole and
they’re the reason that it all blew up
I’m not to blame if they had been a
better person this all would have worked
out and the one thing we’ve discussed a
lot about just in you know be married
almost 15 years now
and and the one thing we’ve spoken about
is like we’re not gonna stay married
because we’re married you’re not
watching the like live comments are you
know I’m so curious to know the reason
why is because I wanted to be engaged in
the conversation and so I asked Jared
just to like send me the car will keep
going down and I know I literally would
I’d love to keep reading but I can’t no
I know but a big thing would be like
we’ve discussed it we won’t stay married
if we’re unhappy and it doesn’t mean
that we don’t try every single thing in
our power to fix our relationship or in
fact our first point is we need to grow
together on a daily basis be in
communication with each other because as
you grow right I hate when people like
you’re not the person I married you
bloody hope not they’re not the person
you married right because that means you
haven’t grown at all so as your lives
develop and you grow one thing we make
sure that we’re always in communication
so that we can really grow together on
that same path I think that’s a massive
key um if for whatever reason you’re
doing that and for whatever reason you
still find yourselves and all the work
you mom wants to join us hey baby girl
and then if you find that even with all
that communication you’re butting heads
or you’re not on that same path we’ll
work very hard to get back on track but
then we’ve said if for whatever reason
we can’t do that we’ll never stay in a
marriage that we’re unhappy with because
you know I mean you hear lots of stories
about people that stay in marriages for
multiple reasons financial kids whatever
and just our experiences with people in
our lives who have been divorced it’s
like if you’re not happy
exudes right it just like everyone
around you Caesar you’re an unhappy
person and so it’s we just said would
never do that to each other like I don’t
want you to be unhappy so if you’re if
we’re in a relationship and you’re not
happy within you know with our dynamic
then please tell me and we’ll split up
because I don’t want you to be unhappy
and I don’t want to be unhappy and so
yeah we have those real honest
conversations yeah but I think it’s also
important to note that commitment to us
is very important and that working on
whatever issue that you have talking
through it really being open to being
wrong like looking for the right answer
you know like hearing that description
in somebody who doesn’t know sort of all
the framework that we’ve built around
that you know might hear that there’s
like a tenuous nough stew our relation
but hey hey are you unhappy because we
can always split up that’s important I
have never once made a joke about course
ever and I guess that’s crazy you can’t
even say that out loud yeah and I
didn’t mean for it to come across like
that and thank you for you know bringing
that up
it’s just when people are in marriages
for five ten fifteen years and they’re
miserable and they’re profoundly unhappy
it’s just not a life to live right it’s
not the way we want to live our lives
and so we work so hard in having those
really uncomfortable conversations for
sure
period period mic drop
no I agree and you know I think that a
relationship is the most beautiful
effort you’re ever gonna put in right so
it is a lot of effort you’re gonna work
your ass off for it but it is so worth
it and so powerful and so amazing and
it’s kind of like and it may be like
working on a relationship for me is what
I think like the gym is for you every
bit of exertion that I put in every time
that I’m you know like we really have
some breakthrough some amazing
conversation where it’s like oh my god
that’s what you’ve been trying to
communicate all this time like I finally
see it I feel that I internal
and it may have taken a lot of effort to
get to that point but those moments are
so incredible to me and feel like these
revelations of what it means to be human
and my thing is there’s nothing more
erotic and there’s nothing more
grounding and fulfilling than shared
experience and so that’s me like the
thing there’s only two things that
really scare me to my core and that’s
brain damage because a there ain’t no
coming back and then losing you because
even though like sure I could start over
but there’s no substitute for that
shared experience you know and at this
point we’ve got such a rich history of
ups and downs and the way that down
times change over time and it becomes
like this really it wasn’t fun to go
through but he becomes this Forge that
you have you know where it’s like now
being on the other side like I would
never trade the hardest times right I
wouldn’t want to trade the greatest
times either but the hardest times like
those are the ones where I’m like man we
did that together we came through the
other side together and I’ve gotten to
see what you’re like when you’re at your
lowest I’ve gotten to see what you’re
like with me when I’m at my lowest and
there’s just there’s no substitute for
that man and so we definitely don’t
think like oh you know c’est la vie easy
come easy go it’s like there’s really a
lot of and and it’s more like we have
more to protect with each passing day
because you’ve got all that shared
history and so we put just an amazing
amount of effort into it talking through
things processing that kind of stuff but
to bring it all back round to the
initial question it’s meeting that
person there with compassion and empathy
but walking through the tactics like
there is a path to the other side and so
then it becomes a question of if they’re
willing to walk that path like if you
were on that path and maybe you just
didn’t like it wasn’t a Fastpass path
for you I would walk that forever if I
felt like sincerely you were making
every effort to get better and hey maybe
it wasn’t as fast as either of us would
like but like you’re getting better all
the time all the time all the time I
have
no finish line I have no point of which
hey you know I’ve been expecting you to
get faster now for ten years and you
haven’t so peace out but if you weren’t
making the effort to walk the path now
I’ve got a problem so it’s the effort
for you yeah for sure it’s the it’s the
sincere effort like in contracts a lot
you’ll see the terms in good faith right
are you negotiating in good faith or are
you just jerking me around if you were
in good faith trying to get better like
I’m in forever but if you’re not like if
you you think I’m crazy or you think
it’s stupid or a waste of time now we’ve
got a problem and that’s the fixed
mindset versus the growth mindset and
you know my yeah you just if people just
aren’t willing to walk the path alright
so um oh we should talk about the
Facebook community launch the group long
and not another word can be uttered
without acknowledging Cindy yes the one
to put that round of applause please for
being the one to put that together it’s
really been incredible just to watch her
process through that think through and
of course she brought a squeaky toy in I
like to think she’s clapping for Cindy
right now with her squeaky toy since her
little paws don’t make good noise but
Cindy did an amazing job putting this
community together and really is gonna
be the ongoing energy behind it and when
you guys are engaging with the community
know that Cindy is there blood sweat and
tears all the way in she knows like we
all know about the community but nobody
is like in it the way that Cindy’s in it
so this is really cool really excited so
on Facebook go now went live today right
it’s called the impact Theory League yes
the impact Theory League so go find it
and join today yeah on Facebook yeah and
that’s gonna be the place for the most
die-hard people and when people are
always saying like hey how do you meet
like-minded people my answer actually is
Facebook groups so we have been working
and by we I mean Cindy essentially by
herself has been working very hard to
put this community together so to bring
people together like-minded people to
support each other help each other see
what each other working on and obviously
engage with the seven of us
dive in this is for the elite out there
the elite impact of Accession here so it
just caught my eye so nice its from
romantic beasts lamenting what are your
thoughts on cheating would you give your
partner a second chance why don’t you
take it I’ll answer that first yeah um
well the answer is no I would not give
them a second chance and the reason
being is we communicate so much like
every like I wish people I’d actually
don’t wish people could hear but and we
just we are so brutally honest about
what we want what we’re looking for what
is important to us and for me the thing
that I said right from the beginning
from day one from our first day is if
you ever cheat on me or hit me I’m out
like done finally there’s a harsh line
Rohan’s bright line thank you that’s
yeah it’s a bright line for me so if you
cheat on me and you hit me I’m done and
so a I made that very clear from day one
and then B when you think about cheating
there’s a reason why that other person
where there was the husband of the wife
has gone out or the boyfriend or the
girlfriend has gone out to do that act
so if you have gone and cheated on me
it’s not about the cheating itself it’s
about what caused you to do that so a is
there something missing sexually that
that’s something that we should have
spoken about before you go out and just
do it like again going back to
communication if it was because there’s
an emotional need you don’t feel like I
am attentive enough to you or vice-versa
T went into death to me then again why
didn’t we communicate that how did it
get to that extreme well you went and
acted on it and you didn’t we didn’t
discuss it and so that breakdown in our
communication is the biggest thing that
then led you to do it so now I sit there
and say well a the one thing that we
pride ourselves on and that we talk
about a lot is we must communicate so
even if it’s about let’s say sex hey
babe I need more sex like you haven’t
said that and so for you to go and act
on it
that’s a problem and there’s a massive
that there’s something broken in our
relationship so you didn’t say that to
me and then yeah just because that is
something that is so important to me
that I have said from day one that if
you go and do it the the the loss of
respect is right it’s lost and then the
last thing I will say is it’s so
important that we it was a good one as
well
so picking up where you left off to me
it’s all about trust and yeah trust so
to me like I believe relationships are
sacred I believe that there’s literally
the holy in a relationship and and that
there’s a level of depth and beauty to
human connection that just it just isn’t
paralleled anywhere else but I don’t
believe that they’re that they need to
be forever if they’re not functional and
so there’s certain things that I look
for in a relationship and if I wasn’t
getting those things to me there is no
purpose and having that relationship and
one of those is to feel like you’re
somebody’s number one and I think that’s
probably the most intoxicating thing
about a relationship that’s why marriage
has lasted and I won’t even ask people
to believe that that’s the natural
natural state of things if you look god
if we can get really weird for a minute
if you look at the shape of just in case
there are people with kids if you look
at the shape of male genitalia
the way that it has evolved does not
lead one to believe that we’re the most
monogamous species we’re certainly not
the least either but we’re not the most
and so I I don’t even need that to like
be true that oh well we’re built for
monogamy whether we’re built for
monogamy or not to me is completely
irrelevant if you have some thing in the
relationship that establishes trust like
let’s say oh you can sleep with whoever
you want I don’t care but don’t ever
drink orange juice right if that were
our thing and then you drink the orange
juice then I know there’s no trust in
this relationship and that is the other
thing to me so being somebody’s number
one like that’s absolutely critical I
want to be
somebody’s number one and then the other
is I need to know that I can trust them
because to the emotional attack that one
feels when they they’re destabilized by
not knowing if they can trust the other
person is so uniquely horrible and it
diminishes your sense of self and
hopefully you guys understand this by
now about me anything that diminishes my
sense of self that makes me feel less
than Who I am like I don’t go for that
and so if somebody were treating me
without respect in a way that I couldn’t
trust them that’s going to diminish me
I’m gonna be paranoid I’m gonna feel
small and I don’t go in on that so to me
whatever you’ve established as your line
of trust so for us it’s physical and
quite we’ve never stated emotional abuse
but I will say that it goes without
saying so abuse and then being you know
infidelity so those are the things that
we’ve established as lines of trust and
you know if those are broken then and we
both said to each other we’re both going
in 100% so some people in the past
especially like as quest was really you
know kind of like just skyrocketing
people started hearing about quest there
was a lot of Fitness females that would
you know kind of hover around you and
you know you you see it right they flirt
they’re sweet and it never bothered me
and people used to say to me like like
oh you know she’s your husband or you
know things like that whatever like it
didn’t bother me because the truth was I
trusted you so even if the prettiest
most attractive woman came up to you and
was like hey you want to go to my room
it doesn’t matter right that I don’t
feel insecure about that because I trust
you 100% and so no matter what situation
we were you would be put in I know that
you would turn them down and I believe
that with the the core being of you know
of who I am and I would do that until
either you end up cheating on me or I
die right because having a relationship
where I
fear you’re gonna do that isn’t a way to
live and so I have to know for myself
I trust you 100% it doesn’t matter what
situation you’re gonna be put in there’s
no there’s no jealousy or anxiety or
fear there but that’s because you
haven’t done it so the second if you
cheated on me that goes away so totally
totally and yeah I just yeah I mean
that’s just us like and I don’t know
moral judgment on people that feel
differently like I respect that I think
everybody’s has to draw their own line
say this is what’s important to me this
is what I will put up with and and
that’s the thing we had that discussion
from the get-go and we were very honest
with each other yeah all right I think
we can have to wrap up but one no way
are you serious it’s already been an
hour yeah 50 minutes what is happening
dude you are you are a time vortex for
me so we’ve done buffets well we’ve sat
there and spoken for like nine hours
nine hours I said we don’t actually eat
that much it’s just kind of an
experience we eat yes but if we don’t
gorge ourselves but nine hours of the
buffet was legit yeah dude that’s crazy
I literally can but I I would have bet
25 minutes okay so we would do a last
question then um
so this is from Rob Howells from Howells
life network indeed what’s up Rob you
owe me and how do you stay balanced
working together living together eating
together everything together lol you
know me do you want to go and I guess
I’ll go and then you can do everything
um so a we don’t seek balance I love
them I love the Lisa Nichols quo we
don’t seek balance we seek harmony nice
I love that yeah Lisa Nichols is awesome
um and we’ve done it over time so you
know when we first met and we were
boyfriend and girlfriend you had hired
me you were still my boss
so really even in dating our dynamic was
kind of very clear from you know how our
working relationship goes um and then it
kind of comes back down to communication
again I hate to keep using it but it’s
true it’s you know you see things in a
very different way that I do when it
comes to work and personal I like to
separate like I need you as my husband
right now and so this is what I need is
a husband I need you to say baby it’s
gonna be okay your arm around me I don’t
need you I don’t want you to be the
business partner right now where you’re
like come on you can do it like you
can’t let this hold you back and so I’m
now become very vocal in saying to you
like I need this part of you right now
because I’m emotional or something like
that and again communicating with you
because your instinct is to motivate
right even if I’m feeling like emotion
you or you’d be like nope you can do it
don’t let this stop you but that’s how
you work and so communicating with each
other and knowing this is what I need so
I need to tell you cuz you’re not a
mind-reader and that’s one thing I will
say you know just keep repeating in as
many episodes of we do of this is the
other person isn’t a mind reader right
they don’t know what you’re feeling they
don’t know what you need and you you can
guess but how many times you’re actually
going to get it right and don’t let why
wait for the other person to guess like
just be honest and be sincere and so you
know that’s how I handle it I say this
is what I need from my husband right now
so that’s where we find the work
personal balance and then eating I’m
very particular so I like to sit down so
true I like to sit down I like to have
my husband’s attention I like to be at a
table and the food needs to be nice and
hot and it’s so funny the music are
there is one thing even wookie knows
there’s one thing that is so important
to you that took me years to realize
because it is so foreign to me and just
it it is something that I accept about
you without actually understanding it
and that’s so funny
because we have talked about this more
times than you can imagine and
as soon as I say the words she’s going
to be like oh yeah of course we have to
chew at the same time we won’t get
derailed because I think like a really
important answer that I when you want to
hear but when you sit down to eat you
eat together like it doesn’t mean you
sit down and keep the other person
company yes disagree on this subject but
he knows is important to me even though
you think it’s ridiculous that we are
actually chewing together yes
so again just vocalizing that to each
other like babe it’s important to me
that we’re not on the sofa why I don’t
know it feels more casual it doesn’t
feel like I’ve got your attention so I
really want to sit at the table um you
know all you say look I’ve got a lot of
work to do I don’t have time to eat
dinner with you and so again you’re just
very vocal about it like I don’t have
time I you know or if it was a day that
was important to me we try and figure it
out like I can’t eat three meals a day
with you so which one do you want to do
breakfast lunch or dinner okay I really
want to eat dinner with you like all
right course I’m gonna block out that
time and then figure it out but yeah I
just really kind of communicating
communicating communicating all right so
I’m gonna try and rock through some
tactics that was a wonderfully emotional
sort of answer and now I want to pick up
where that left off and and just be
hyper tactical so like she said we’re
not really focused on balance or our
life is a total mishmash of all the
different things that we do we try to
god I really what are the actual tactics
that we use always vocalize your
motivations even when they’re petty so
that’s how we got to chewing at the same
time like because I literally couldn’t
understand what was happening because
like eating like occupying the same
space to me is the same as eating
together but realizing that actually
chewing at the same time is how you
could be eating and you’d be like in the
kitchen or vice versa and you bit up but
I’m right or even just sitting with you
and let’s say that if my food is ready
first then I would just sit at the table
and eat while you finish the last few
bits
preparation not thinking like that that
was a problem because I’m thinking my
head I’ve got more stuff to do whatever
so I’m just trying to be efficient when
you’re god I need I’m gonna have to sit
down and write these tactics down
because I have this feeling there’s all
these things we do and I’m not able to
articulate them right now how do we find
balance yes like you said voicing the
motivation and not worrying if give me
some other like tactics that we use um I
mean I’ve got butanna stay I keep coming
back to that yeah I just don’t want to I
don’t want to float in the nebulous and
I’m failing everybody right now and this
is the final question I’m really gonna
have to stop don’t give somebody the
gift that you want find out what they
actually want yeah
so this is our Armageddon example if you
like the movie Armageddon don’t give it
to your partner for Christmas because no
that wasn’t us in fairness but we knew
you are yes we do use that example a lot
where the guy gave the girl Armageddon
for her birth because it’s a gift you
would want to receive so anyway talk
about your motivations you have to be
able to externalize those make sure that
you’re carving out time for the two of
you make sure that you know what’s
important to the other person so that
you can deliver on that and these are
all things oh here we go define terms
you have to define terms so that’s
something that we’ve done very very
effectively because you maybe like we
would find this I would say hey that’s
really important to me and maybe that
didn’t carry like a lot of weight with
you because that’s not the word that you
would use so we finally sat down and
said all right if I say that something
is important then you need to drop
everything you’re doing and pay
attention we used to do that with a
phone call when we weren’t working in
the same space if you call me twice I
can ignore it but if you call me a third
time even if I’m in a meeting with the
president I’m going to stop what I’m
doing and I’m going to take that I only
ever called you three times once once
which is an advantage of those words
right because even the word important
that’s another one we use it maybe three
times a year
guys listen you both put that weight on
that word but then if someone just uses
it like every week then now you’ve
removed the importance of the word
important yeah literally and so not
being abusive of your rules is is super
super critical
yeah I should like I did with the 25
bullet points I should go through and
write down all of our relationship guys
if that if you want to see something
like that yeah that that would be
interesting it also just be nice to make
those wonderfully concrete and some
people in relationships almost don’t
want to do those concrete tactics
because it almost feels like they’re
removing the romance from them but if
anything I think that’s heightened our
romance because there’s no emotional
resentment you’re not holding on to
anything like we’re we try to really
like flow on that same page people die
by vagaries so once you get really
specific once you know the tactics it’s
like people want loved I wrote an
article about this we should link to it
people want things like love and
anything that’s beautiful in their life
to be effortless it just doesn’t work
like that
and so you know the reading joseph
campbell’s of power myth and realizing
the importance of ritual realizing that
ritual needs to be imbued with like a
lot of weight
those are like things like that to
transition into a relationship that it’s
not a facebook status update like it’s
got to be way deeper than that and you
know really doing things to demarcate in
your own mind the difference between
with somebody without somebody like what
those mean like creating that emotional
space the intensity all of that like it
needs to be regimented it needs to be
very clear very bright lines that’s
another thing in relationship bright
lines you know when do you spend time
together when do you not spend time
together when you’ve got work to do like
literally talking about those things so
Lisa knows about me that she could ask
me to give up anything and I would give
it up in a heartbeat
except my ambition it’s the one thing
that’s off limits because it would stop
me from being me and so I wouldn’t be
able to function in a relationship
without that and that’s something that
we talked about so just really defining
all of those things like making sure
that the playbook of a relationship is
not guessing set somebody up for success
not failure so for instance if there’s
something that I want from my birthday I
need to tell you exactly what that is so
if I want to go out for dinner if I want
to go away for the weekend if I want you
to cook for me whatever like I need to
just tell you instead of X
affecting you to guess things like that
go a long way I’m so what we call giving
the keys to the kingdom which is tell
somebody exactly how to cheer you up if
you’re in a bad mood what you want for
your birthday
what words mean I feel loved feel
considered very wise my dear
very well said yeah cool and oh one more
thing yep it’s gonna be quick but just
um yeah I remember someone said to me
once like oh love shouldn’t be hard work
like it should be like in a in you know
it’s like are you crazy like for me my
relationship with you is the most
important thing in my life in my world
and so why wouldn’t I put most of my
energy into that yeah – leave it to
happenstance right yes but like if you
wants to be successful you’d have to
work hard of it your job or your career
or whatever so it’s like to not think of
relationships like that
yep it’s crazy to me I could not agree
more all right excellent
all right guys thank you so much if you
haven’t already shared this please share
it for your chance to win either a
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everybody here is super super excited
and we will one day soon have a lot more
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want to signal to the world that you are
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this to have a growth mindset to be
totally focused on getting the most out
of your life that is what that impact
Theory t-shirt is meant to represent so
cocaine one today and check out also the
news group that we just launched the
impact Theory League so go check that
out too yes and as always guys thank you
so much for joining us this is a weekly
show so if you haven’t already be sure
to subscribe and we’re making sure that
we post when we’re going live on stuff
ahead of time so that people can really
plan ahead thank you so much for joining
us and until next time my friends be
legendary
take care
—
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