Why a Breakup Is Your Greatest Opportunity to Be Human

When Mark answered the door, I didn’t recognize him.

He was a mess.

He looked like he’d been sleeping in a dumpster. His stylish urban loft was in disarray. And the only source of nutrition was a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the counter.

It was strange seeing our hero like this because he was the guy we all wanted to be in our next life. He was tall, handsome, athletic, and academically gifted.

Mark went to college on a football scholarship and had that broad and lean look about him. He considered becoming a pro-ball player but opted to save what was left of his spongy knees and get two degrees in business instead.

This decision paid off because he was about to become the youngest partner in his firm.

Everything was looking up for Mark, yet here he was, falling apart over a breakup.

It happens to all of us

“We all get twisted up by someone eventually,” I said to Mark as he poured us two stiff shots of Jack.

“It’s a bit early for me,” I said. So he downed both our shots in quick succession.

“Yeah, I’m not doing well,” Mark said as his face grimaced from the antiseptic after-burn.

“Emily was it for me.”

“I’ve tried everything, but she’s not coming back. And I’m not sure what to do with myself now.”

“It’s that bad, huh?” I asked Mark, a little surprised.

“Yeah…I can’t sleep, eat or breathe.”

In all the years of knowing Mark, I’d never heard him talk this way about anyone.

Dating was easy for Mark. If we went to an event, women would knock me over to get close to him.

But Mark never got too serious. He was usually the one calling things off, but now the tables had turned.

Some might call this poetic justice, but something snapped in him. And he didn’t look right.

Old wounds

Mark and Emily hadn’t been dating long, maybe six months tops. But she captured Mark like no one I’d seen him date before.

I don’t think it was love, as much as a psychological umbilical cord attached to Emily that made him think he couldn’t live without her.

I’d spoken to Emily the day before, and she told me there weren’t any fights or problems. “It was just getting too serious for me,” she said, “and I’m not looking for that kind of relationship right now.”

Emily had plans to move to Spain in the fall. And she didn’t want to be tied down to any commitments. “I thought we were dating and having fun,” she said. “And then he started making plans.”

Although he seldom talked about it, Mark’s mother took a work assignment in Europe for three years when he was six. This decision required Mark to move in with his grandparents, who weren’t all that thrilled about the arrangement.

The idea that six-year-old Mark wasn’t important enough for his mom to adjust her career ambitions might have had something to do with his reaction to Emily’s travel plans. He felt abandoned by his mom, and his attachment to Emily re-opened those old wounds.

But I didn’t bring any of this up with Mark as I feared it might push him deeper into depression.

The Other Side

Mark grew up in Georgia, where football is religion, and game day is communion.

Although he was an amazing athlete, Mark also had a deep-thinker side to him. But this side didn’t get to come out much in his football-focused culture.

However, Mark and I had many in-depth conversations about my travels and studies in religion, Buddhism, and psychology. And we’d often talk about the challenging task of trying to evolve as men and become better humans.

So I reminded Mark that people have many different buckets to fill in their lives — such as their work, family, friends, play, spiritual, self-actualization, and, yes, love bucket.

The order of how we fill these buckets varies per person.

We also have a ladder we can use to carry these buckets up and down in our life.

Climbing up this ladder is about reaching for your dreams and achieving your highest potential.

This ascent is more ego-driven and selfish, which is what it takes in your 20’s to get through the rigors of college and establish your career footing.

But there’s also this notion of holding the base of the ladder for others to climb. Of becoming more selfless and helping someone else achieve their dreams.

This inclination to help others is where Mark was heading pre-Emily.

He’d already been to the top of the ladder and acquired enough trophies, awards, and press clippings to fill a small warehouse. He could’ve had a giant ego if he allowed it, but Mark wanted to develop his selfless side.

And I saw an opportunity to connect his empty love bucket with his desire to be more selfless.

The Deep Dig

“I know you’ve always wanted to help people, Mark,” I said.

“One of the best ways you can do that is by being more aware, compassionate, and empathetic to what others are going through, particularly those less fortunate than we are.”

“But it’s hard to know what others are going through if we’ve not experienced it ourselves.”

“I would imagine that the fans in the stadium that used to yell at you to run faster didn’t have a clue about how hot, tired, in pain, and dehydrated you were in the 4th quarter of a grueling game?”

“That’s for sure,” Mark said. “You have to dig down deep to find something inside you to keep going by the 4th quarter. But most people have never tapped into that part of themselves before.”

“Yeah, I can’t imagine the pain, pressure, and endurance required to survive a college-level football game with thousands of fans and TV cameras on you,” I said. “But I’m sure it gives you great confidence to know you can survive a battle like this. A trial that most of us will never experience in our lives.”

“Yeah, we’re all physically capable of a lot more than we realize,” Mark said.

“Surviving a breakup is similar to your football experience,” I said.

“How so?”Mark asked.

“It’s an intense emotional trial that forces you to dig down deep and endure two of life’s most overpowering experiences: Falling in love and getting heartbroken by love.”

Unwanted

“You’d have to admit, Mark, you’ve dated some of the most beautiful and remarkable human beings.”

Mark nodded his head, yes.

“And you’ve felt the feeling of being loved, desired, and wanted by many girls before.”

“Yes, I have,” he said.

‘You’ve probably never had a period in your life where you felt undesirable or unlovable.”

“Other than when my mom left for Europe, not really,” Mark replied. “But there’s more to life than being popular.”

“But now you’re feeling the bone-crushing reality of not being wanted, or loved by the object of your affection, right?

“That I am,” he said.

“Which is a first for you?” I asked.

“Yes!” Mark said.

“Well, imagine feeling unwanted, undesirable, and unlovable every day of your life? Imagine people walking by you holding hands with their dream date and having no awareness of your emotional pain.”

As I pointed out the window of Mark’s swanky 4th-floor loft that overlooked downtown, I said, “Many people out there spend every day not feeling desired, wanted, or loved by anyone.”

“When do you think is the last time that Sammy — the homeless guy on the corner — felt loved or desired?”

“Or how about Louisa — the lady that runs the taco truck we always go to on weekends. She has burn marks and scars all over her body from a drunken father’s recklessness.”

“When is the last time you think someone asked her to go out on a fancy dress-up date? The kind you’ve done every weekend of your life since you were a teen.”

“And what about Carl — the obese guy that runs the liquor store where we get our beer. He’s only 28, but has problems with his heart, knees, diabetes, and depleting testosterone levels, causing him severe sleep apnea.”

“Do you think Carl has girls throwing themselves at him every week like I’ve seen happen to you?” I asked.

“No, I don’t,” Mark said. “But, are you trying to make me feel guilty?”

“No. I’m not,” I said. “Just hang with me here.”

The Gift

“We assume these people require less love, but they’re no different than we are. They need love!…But they don’t get it.”

“More than any other quality in life, we all want to be loved, desired, and to feel attractive to others.”

“That desire never goes away, even for people that have been married for decades. My 85-year-old mom still shops, puts on makeup, and dresses up to the nines before she goes out to dinner with my dad and friends. She’s not trying to pick anyone up. But she still cares about looking attractive to others.”

“Most people go through a lot of effort, expense, and pain to be desirable. But some people don’t have to work as hard as others.”

“You, my friend, don’t have to shower, wear fancy clothes, or impress people with your knowledge, money, or fame to be attractive to others. I could take you out on the street right now in your messy mop head, disheveled outfit, and bad breath, and you’d get hit on.

“It’s not your fault you’re so good looking. You had no say in the matter. You just won the genetic lottery.”

“But, now you have an opportunity to receive a gift in life.”

“What gift?” Mark asked.

“The gift to feel what many others experience daily of not feeling desirable or lovable.”

“You were lucky enough to experience love with Emily. And yes, you lost the game, just like sometimes happened with your football team. But at least you got to suit up and play the game of love.”

“Many people spend their whole life on the sidelines, watching others play the game of love. But you’re a pro at dating, and you’ve made the playoffs of love many times in your life.

“Although you didn’t win the Super Bowl with Emily, there’s always next season for you. But not for a lot of people.”

“Instead of obsessing over the game you lost with Emily, celebrate the idea that you get to even be in the game. Just consider how many people wish they had a chance to experience love like you have, even if they didn’t win every game.”

A life less-lived

“What if you and Emily had ended up being the perfect couple that got married, had kids, and settled down in a beautiful suburban home?”

“If that happened, you would’ve never had your heartbroken. Or felt the pain of loss you’re feeling now.”

“Some might call that a victory, but I’d say it’s a life less-lived.”

“Although I’ve never competed at the level you have as an athlete, I’m sure the times you lost games or had a losing season, are the periods that made you a much better player and person.

“Putting everything you’ve got into something is a gamble. But that’s what makes it so fulfilling when you win—and frustrating when you lose.”

“Yeah, losing games is tough. But it’s what builds a strong character, and creates champions.” Mark said.

“It’s the same with love,” I said. “I don’t think love would be rewarding if it weren’t a gamble. And I don’t think you’d ever be able to help or relate to people if you never felt brokenhearted.”

“Whenever we feel pain in life — whether it’s from love lost, a career setback, illness, or injustice — it’s an opportunity for us to become more compassionate, understanding, and empathetic to the human condition.”

Gameday

Because of my travels, I didn’t see Mark for about six weeks. When he asked me to meet him at a warehouse downtown, I wasn’t sure what to expect.

But when I arrived, I found a warehouse full of sofas, tables of food, and a giant projection screen playing the college football game.

And much to my surprise, I saw Carl, Sammy, Louisa, and many other downtown locals dressed-up and yelling at the players on the screen.

“What’s going on, Mark?” I asked.

“I’ve rented this warehouse for the year and will be hosting athletic training events for kids weekly and game-day social occasions on weekends for all my friends downtown.”

“I figured it’s time I hold the ladder for these folks.”

“I don’t feel pity for them. Instead, I see a lot of strength of character. I overlooked these champions of life before because I was too focused on myself and not empathetic to what others face in life daily.”

“Whatever love I lost with Emily, I got it all back from this team here, and it’s filling my buckets,” Mark said.

“I’ve got all the love I need for now.”

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Previously published on medium

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