How To Get Your Kids To Get Along

When there are two or multiple siblings in a household a simple argument can very quickly escalate into a fight of nuclear proportions. As with any conflict, it all depends on how the situation is handled.

Conflict resolution is an art form. One that I believe we should all be taught throughout our 12+ years of formal schooling. After all, we all face problems and have to deal with conflict in our daily lives. Yet most of us are not equipped to handle conflict in a healthy way. We simply don’t have the tools.

A great part of our ability to deal with conflict is what we learned from watching our parents deal with conflict themselves. How our parents talked to each other when they were at odds, whether they held grudges or talked things out, whether they gave each other (or us) the silent treatment or were able to apologize when mistakes were made etc., makes a huge imprint on how we experience and react to conflict in our lives.

By default, what our parents taught us (or didn’t teach us) about solving issues, particularly with our siblings, can affect the quality of our relationships.

One of the greatest pieces of marital advice I ever received was the following question: Are you arguing in order to win, or are you arguing in order to solve the problem?

In that powerful question lies the wisdom with which I believe we should approach any argument, and it begins with us as kids.

Many times, when children fight, parents chose to approach the situation by letting the kids work things out on their own, and though I’ve read a few articles suggesting that as parents we do just that, in my experience, I have found it to be detrimental to do so.

It is not uncommon that one child may have a louder voice than the other. Maybe he or she is older than their sibling, or maybe they have a stronger more imposing personality. Maybe they’re just more adamant about things being done their way, and when we don’t step in, we are by default siding with the sibling most likely to impose their will.

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In the long term, this doesn’t help either child and instead may perpetuate a dynamic that without intervention cannot be resolved. In my opinion, parent intervention in sibling conflict is essential in order to foster empathy and friendship between siblings.

Children need to feel heard and seen, and in a conflict, both children need to feel heard and seen at the same time.

When we chose to be present as loving mediators, actively listening, intervening when necessary, and helping find common ground, even thru the smallest of arguments, we foster understanding and partnership.

It is usually the smallest things that escalate into big fights, and over time unresolved arguments build up resentment. Perceived injustices and power imbalances erode relationships and unmanaged personality traits that are not dealt with permeate all aspects of our lives.

So when it comes to solving conflict, in my opinion, it all boils down to two main things; feeling heard, and being able to hear the other person out. Only then can common ground be found, and finding common ground as a child is a lot easier to do when there’s a loving objective mediator (A.k.a parent) leading the way.

After all, if we as adults have such a hard time finding common ground, how can we expect our children to do it all on their own?

I’ll share with you some of the steps I follow when a fight between siblings ensues in my household. Over time these have proven very helpful. That’s not to say my kids never fight. Of course, they do, but when they do more often than not they are able to express themselves clearly, state what is bothering them, assert themselves, hear each other out, own up to their part in the issue, apologize when necessary, forgive and make up.

With practice and in time they can continue to do this on their own, taking these tools with them and applying them in the relationships they foster at school, at home, and later in life.

We often don’t realize what huge part our intervention can play in our kids getting along. I invite you to try these out and see if it makes a difference.

10 steps I follow to help my kids solve conflict and get along:

If there’s a conflict, intervene. Don’t leave them to deal with it on their own.
Give each child a chance to express themselves, their feelings, thoughts, frustrations, opinion, points of view, and experiences without judgment.
Validate each child’s feelings, pointing out what you empathize with. Make sure they know that you understand where they are coming from.
Point out the areas where each child could’ve acted differently or could react differently in the future.
Encourage them to empathize and recognize how the other child must have felt when x,y,z happened.
Do the same for the other child. Make sure both children feel seen, heard, and validated.
Help each child take responsibility for the aspects of the argument, problem, fight, or conflict that they were responsible for.
Check again, ask them if they understand how the conflict originated and how the other one felt during this. See if they are both able to understand why the other one became upset.
If they both understand where the other one is coming from, encourage them to volunteer ideas on how the conflict could be solved and what they can do to help the other child feel better at that moment and move forward. If they are able to apologize for their part, then this is the time to do so. Apologizing without understanding why you are doing it, or without really meaning it or even wanting to do it, doesn’t solve anything for either child.
Make a plan together for the next time something like that comes up. What steps can be taken so it doesn’t escalate into a fight? That way they both feel empowered.

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Previously published on medium

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