I talk about growth sometimes like it’s easy.
No, it’s not easy; it’s simple.
It’s challenging to implement, and it isn’t easy to grow.
I’m reading Letting Go by David R. Hawkins. He talks of how to navigate change by surrendering.
The pathway to surrender is counterintuitive. The ego won’t like it.
The beginning of change requires a lot of creativity, envisioning, and empathetic skills. It is this way because you need to create an environment in your body-mind, that doesn’t yet exist.
Then you need to hold that vision in faith and move towards it as if it is possible.
It’s our thoughts, energy, and intentions that set the radar for our actions to pursue. If self-doubt is riddling you, then you have work to do.
I have developed gratitude for self-doubt in this way. As Michael Singer says:
When you approach the barrier areas of your thoughts and emotions, it feels like going into the abyss. You don’t want to go near that place. But you can go there, and if you want to get out, you will go there. Eventually you will realize that darkness is not what’s really there. What is really there is the walls that are blocking the infinite light.
For me, Singer speaks of approaching an old agreement, one that keeps you safe, or helped you to survive, that no longer serves you. Perhaps you’ve outgrown the standard.
This visualising process uses the default mode network (DMN).
Thus, the default mode network is a group of brain regions that seem to show lower levels of activity when we are engaged in a particular task like paying attention, but higher levels of activity when we are awake and not involved in any specific mental exercise. It is during these times that we might be daydreaming, recalling memories, envisioning the future, monitoring the environment, thinking about the intentions of others, and so on — all things that we often do when we find ourselves just “thinking” without any explicit goal of thinking in mind.
If you are too specific, too early, then you activate the logical, discerning, network in your brain; the task-positive network and the energy that would’ve gone to the DMN gets redirected.
You have to be conscious of how you grow. What are the tools that best fit the situation?
It can be challenging to break old agreements with yourself and others mostly because it challenges how each of us has come to understand our safety in the world.
Safety is good, and we’re only seeking the stretch zone here, not the chaos zone, but it won’t necessarily get you to the space of growth.
Growth is about reworking agreements.
Envisioning a new way of existing in the world that provides you more value, is more fulfilling, and brings a higher level of beauty and connection into your life.
New agreements that are more useful to you, and allow you to show up in service to others.
That’s all well and good, but how do you integrate and actualise these?
So many people get stuck in the space of fear between an old agreement that no longer serves them, and stepping out into the uncertain realm of creating and actualising a new agreement.
I have outlined six simple steps that will get you on the road to breaking old agreements, and making new ones — Remember, as is often the case, you’ll already be doing things that show that the change has already come, albeit in small increments:
Replace it with a new agreement
We can’t exist in a vacuum, so when I am breaking an agreement, I must intentionally replace it with another; otherwise, it will be replaced by a subconscious belief.
The spectrum of positive and negative affects comes to mind. You have to exist somewhere on this with your motivations.
Not being aware of this can lead to an unsatisfying experience, if an unconscious belief slips in there to replace the old agreement, then you’ll need to start the process again with that agreement. You can see how easy it is to get stuck in these cycles.
It’s a continual process though; life is about the journey not reaching the goal. Life-long studentry, or beginner’s mind, is a great way to frame the journey.
So whenever you approach the dismantling or reworking of an old agreement, have some energy devoted to what ‘done’ may look like for you on the new goal, standard, or belief.
Envision it, practise writing and saying it, draw it out, practice with a trusted friend.
If you’re dedicated, you could devote some time a week to a study session where you envision new agreements together; get creative!
Over time you might find that you have people in your life that will join you in this practice. Who feel as passionately about it as you do.
Honour the grief
An under-defined area of life in western philosophy is grief. Perhaps it’s because they forsook all spiritual endeavours to build a dogmatic view around the narrow focus of rationality and logical thinking.
I enjoy discernment, rational thinking, and logic; they are one essential part of the experience, yet, if we idolise any one aspect, the others become underdeveloped. I think of it in terms of chunking.
These skills are a chunk of experience. They use the same network in the brain; the task-positive network.
Grief is something that often slips past the rational mind, and hammers it into submission, if you try to control it, it will break you.
Grief is an ongoing and ever-flowing process. Death doesn’t just visit us once only; it’s a part of life in each moment.
There are examples of death, on all levels, in each day.
Examples? Looking back at your life and realising you’re not the same as you were. The knowledge that you can evolve a practice that is no longer needed. A thought of how anger used to dominate your lived experience, now it’s only a thought that doesn’t carry an emotional charge. Excreting waste. Flaking skin.
I could on for hours.
Even the thought of a wasted opportunity can be grief.
The shedding of old skin, like the snake. An analogy of this process that has been revered throughout time.
We quite literally shed all the cells in our bodies; we rejuvenate them. Every seven years or so, there’s not a single cell that was the same as before.
Conceptualising this with the snake is useful for the metaphor of understanding how change works. You shed old agreements that you have outgrown, and therefore don’t serve you.
Can you think of any, from the past?
You must grieve the old part of you adequately; you must provide yourself with the honour of that process. Otherwise, it won’t go smoothly.
Expect some resistance
There will be resistance, both from within yourself and from your environment.
The process of change is unsettling for many people, including you. If you are stepping out of an old and comfortable world, and into a new and uncertain one.
You will receive resistance from your mind, and the people in your close environments.
Remember when you put a scorching piece of baked potato in your mouth, immediately spitting it back out?
It doesn’t mean that it’s not right for your mouth; it means the circumstance isn’t right.
If things are seeming too chaotic and you don’t feel good about where you’re heading, then listen to that sign.
Let the potato cool down, regroup, and pop it back in your mouth when you’re ready.
I’ve navigated this anchored in discernment. Take everyone’s comments objectively, sit with them, and work out how they feel for you, in the context of where you want to see yourself at the end of your transitional phase.
Some cases need fast responses; you’ll know if that’s the case because you’ll feel that that’s the best way forward.
It’s no good aligning to the person that existed in the old scenario, that’ll bring you frustration, anger, and resentment. That is a block to growth.
Ultimately, you want to find the sweet spot. Where you’re meeting people where they’re at, and where they’re comfortable, and you’re allowing yourself to stretch and grow into the new life.
Life unfolds patiently in the physical realm, don’t expect overnight results. Don’t push people into your change either — that’s been a big lesson for me.
Some people won’t want to come with you, and that’s O.K., you can still have a relationship with them, it’ll just need to evolve.
If you try to drag them into your new reality, they’ll come kicking and screaming, if at all.
Lean into discomfort
Change comes to us partially in discomfort, as it is the limiting beliefs that we hold that keep us stuck. The ego stages protect these beliefs.
Quite rightly too, they kept you safe, so thank them for that.
The ego needs a little partnership and reassurance that if you broach the subject, you’re not just going to fall apart and start wailing on the floor. You want to be able to meet your own needs in that state. That’s natural. Thank you, ego, you’re performing your part beautifully.
Authoritative parenting is an excellent way to partner with the ego; allow yourself to express, use discipline and structure, give yourself options, and open up space for creative choices.
Learn what your behaviour is when you feel uncomfortable, I will become distracted, and I will move into fantasy thoughts, then I’ll tell myself I’m hungry, or that I need to do something.
I only become aware of these behaviours so that I can know when I have resistance to something. If you are aware of this, then you can make a conscious choice whether you have time to respond to that at the present moment, or return to it later.
I want to add that all we ever have is the present moment.
“I’ll do that later” is a standard block.
Align with the values that you want to emerge within you
One thing you can do, to ensure that you are growing in the direction that you would like is to align with the value that you’d like to emerge in your life.
At the very start of the change cycle, it’s not conducive to growth to get specific too quickly. At first, it’s best to align to the big vision, that keeps the creative channels of the brain open — the default mode network that I mentioned previously.
If there’s confusion within you, or you don’t seem like you have the ability to navigate what you’re going through, try aligning to confidence, patience, or assured nature.
Do that work before you do the next piece because that is what is blocking you from achieving your goal.
That’s an example of self-doubt and not being able to honour reality. You see that it’s the issue of not believing that keeps you stagnant.
That’s fine too, because that’s precisely where you are, and you can’t be anywhere else.
Documentation of this process can be found in Radical Acceptance, the book by Tara Brach. Its continual practice can allow you the ability to accept the present moment and move forward with that wisdom.
Trust
Trust as a state of being is a relationship, between myself and life.
The way I’ve come to understand it as a core grounding and centring in my being; knowing who I am, and what my direction and values are. What am I capable of performing for myself, and others?
I plan how much I have in my life at any one time, and I use that to determine whether or not I have the space to take on other projects.
I see the breaking of boundaries as a rupture in my relationship to trust. That’s fine, as long as it gets repaired, if it doesn’t, then the relationship will suffer; there’s always a consequence to a rupture.
Iyanla Vanzant describes in her book ‘Trust’ that there are four areas to be aware of, trust in:
- God
- Yourself
- Others
- Life
Suppose you are aware of the inner-connectedness of these areas, and the interconnectedness of how it shows up for you in your environments. In that case, you will build an unshakeable core, and you will begin to create agreements with people who respect and honour you as you are, in your essence.
That, dear ones, is one of the most beautiful experiences to be had on this planet.
Integrating thoughts
This whole process is an excellent example of having an unshakeable faith and relationship with trust. Knowing what is possible, and holding firm to the belief that only you will be able to create that in your life.
It will test you to make new agreements, it will feel, at times, like the whole world is crumbling.
It’s not. It only feels that way.
I hope this article can provide you with a few practices to set intentions around.
What is one thing you can hone? Start moving towards?
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
