One of the main reasons many relationships fail is because most people tend to rush to get together with someone, without ever taking the time needed to get to know them well first.
How many times have you witnessed couples moving in together or even getting married after dating only for a couple of weeks? The result for these couples, of course, is almost always the same: after a while, they break up.
If you ask one of them why did they rush into forming a serious relationship/moving in/getting married with their partner, you’ll likely get the same answer:
“I just didn’t want to be single anymore.”
Some people feel less comfortable with being single than others. That’s understandable. But, a romantic relationship isn’t a cure for loneliness. Research shows that, if you don’t learn to be at peace with solitude, chances are you’ll end up settling for less.
The problem with saying “I don’t want to be single” is that it equals saying “I don’t want to find a good partner”.
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When We’re in a Hurry, We Make Bad Choices
Have you ever went into a clothing store or a bookshop when you were in a hurry? For example, before work, an appointment with a doctor, or before an important date?
I already know the answer — you haven’t. Because, in order to buy something as simple as a pair of jeans, you need to look at your choices, try them on, and then decide if you’re gonna take them home.
So, if you need to take some time to pick a piece of clothing, imagine how much time you need to pick the right partner.
When we feel lonely, the only thing that’s in our mind is how and when we will find someone, who will be able to take away all of our loneliness and negative feelings. We become so desperate that we rush to get together with the first person available. And that person is almost always the wrong one.
As philosopher, author, and founder of the School of Life Alain de Botton explains:
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If You Don’t Feel Comfortable With Yourself, You Won’t Feel Comfortable in a Relationship
Usually, the reason people desperately need a partner to be happy is because they have a problematic relationship with themselves.
Being single often means you’ll have to spend a lot of time alone — for example, if you live alone, you’ll return every day to an empty house after work. Times alone equals time to think, and time to think equals self-reflection.
And self-reflection means that you might learn some things about yourself that you’re not gonna like. So, instead of facing your flaws, regrets, and fears, you prefer to find a partner who will occupy your mind, and provide you with confidence and reassurance.
The problem is, if you don’t learn to feel comfortable with yourself, if you don’t enjoy your own company, you won’t feel completely comfortable in a relationship either.
The relationships we form with others are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. If you fear being alone, it means you have a problematic relationship with yourself, which, in turn, means that you’ll form problematic relationships.
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Don’t Count on a Romantic Partner to Make You Happy
The problem is, that by saying “I don’t want to be single anymore” most of us mean “I don’t want to be sad anymore”.
We count too much on other people to make us happy. We think getting into a relationship will solve all of our problems and will make us finally feel better about ourselves. In our heads, we have a clear idea of how things work:
Being single=Being sad
Being in a relationship=Being happy
But that’s not at all how things work. You can be in a relationship with a kind, gentle, giving partner, and still feel unhappy. On the other hand, you can be single and feel cheerful and fulfilled.
In reality, true happiness can come only from within. When we learn to love ourselves, be grateful for every good thing we have in our lives, and see the beauty in every little thing around us.
You shouldn’t count on a romantic partner to make you happy — that’s a job for yourself.
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Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, it’s perfectly natural to want to be in a relationship. After all, love makes the world go round.
What’s not okay, however, is to count on a relationship to make you happy. Our sense of loneliness often hides a deeper problem: a problematic relationship with ourselves. You might think that you need to find a partner, when in reality, what you need is to fix the relationship you have with your own self.
I’ve seen so many of my friends get together with people they had nothing in common, in hopes that the latter would help them fix their self-esteem, only to watch them go through a rough breakup after a while — and feel even worse about themselves.
It is only after you start feeling comfortable with the idea of solitude, and after you start enjoying spending time with no one but yourself, that you will be ready to look for and find the right partner.
Before we get into a relationship we need to make sure we’re doing it for the right reasons. Not to stop feeling lonely. Not to keep your mind occupied. But to love, and be loved.
In the words of Alain de Botton:
“Only when we make sure that being single can be potentially as secure, warm and fulfilling as being in a couple will we know that people are choosing to pair up for the right reasons.”
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
