Once in a blue moon, you meet someone who walks into a room and makes the whole world stop. Something about them is magnetic in a way you can’t describe.
Every interaction you have together leaves you wanting more.
You find yourself thinking about them on a random Tuesday afternoon, hoping you’ll see them again soon. Everything they say fascinates you.
On top of all this, they make you feel good.
When you speak to them, you find yourself feeling understood on a personal level. They give you their undivided attention and ask you questions that make you think deeply about yourself.
This is known as charisma.
Charisma is often thought of as a mysterious quality, bestowed upon a select few at birth, and inaccessible to the rest of us.
However, the truth is charisma is like any other skill: it can be learned, practiced, and applied to give you incredible results in all areas of your life.
Here are 7 habits of insanely charismatic people and how you can apply them in conversation.
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1. They give more than they take
Think about the last time you had a truly meaningful conversation that inspired you and made you feel heard. Who was doing most of the talking?
Chances are, it was mostly you.
Science has found that talking about yourself produces brain activity that generates feelings of pleasure and reward. You feel best in conversations when you talk about yourself.
Charismatic people know this, and they always listen to others more than they talk about themselves.
They have learned the art of giving space for someone to speak about their ideas and feelings, rather than making the conversation all about them.
How to apply this:
When you have a conversation, give the other person space to talk freely and let their ideas flow. Don’t be afraid to allow gaps for silence because this is when the other person will open up the most to you.
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2. They ask questions — but not in the way that you think.
We greet each other with, ‘How are you?’ and make small talk with questions about the weekend or holiday plans.
Even worse, we base conversations on asking questions that can be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’
Anyone can ask these questions.
Charismatic people make sure to ask genuine, thoughtful questions that require you to reflect and think deeply about yourself. These questions always require an extended answer, with a lot of detail and consideration behind them.
How to apply this:
Research says that the best way to make meaningful conversation is to master the art of asking follow-up questions. The best way to do this is by asking a ‘why’ question.
When someone tells you their holiday plans, ask them why they love that particular destination and what drew them to travel there.
Successful people ask better questions, and as a result they get better answers. — Anthony Robbins
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3. They are ruthlessly authentic
When you speak up in a conversation, do you let your personality shine?
Or do you shy away and keep your uniqueness hidden?
Charismatic people know their worth. When they speak, they aren’t afraid to come across as weird. They embrace their differences by always having an interesting perspective, idea, or personal hobby to share.
In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different. — Coco Chanel.
How to apply this:
Start by being intentional about sharing your genuine opinions or quirks when they are relevant in conversations. Don’t just go with the view of the majority for the sake of agreeing with everyone.
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4. They are always in the present moment
How many times have you been speaking to someone and sensed that they weren’t really listening to you?
Many of us spend our time desperately thinking about what we need to say after someone has finished talking to keep the conversation going.
We get lost in our heads thinking about which question to ask or what we can say about ourselves relevant to the topic.
Charismatic people listen intentionally. When someone else is speaking, they truly give their undivided attention, without thinking about what they can do or say next to steal the spotlight.
How to apply this:
Practice the art of devoting 100% of your attention to listening. Do this whilst someone else is talking, and only begin thinking of your response once the other person has finished.
Practicing eye contact and thoughtful gestures, such as nodding your head, will also help you focus more on the present moment.
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5. Everything they say has value
Often in conversation, we talk for the sake of talking. We rush to fill the silence or relate with somebody else by complaining about something.
Charismatic people choose their words carefully and make sure everything they say has value and meaning.
Additionally, they never engage in gossip or negative talk. They don’t need to complain or put down people to fit in and relate to others.
How to apply this:
If you have something to say, make sure to speak slowly and clearly. Slowing down and articulating your points will make your words more meaningful.
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6. They don’t pass judgment
How often have you felt lighter and happier by opening up to someone without the fear of being judged?
Charismatic people know the value of making people feel comfortable and accepted, which makes them extremely likable.
They know the actions of others have little impact on their daily lives. They concentrate on their own priorities and support others without passing judgment.
How to apply this:
When we judge someone, we’re really just attempting to feel better about ourselves. Focus on cultivating feelings of self-worth from within, and you’ll become much less judgemental of others.
Be curious, not judgemental. — Walt Whitman
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7. They give genuine compliments and receive them graciously
When someone compliments you, is your first reaction to deny it to seem humble?
If you have negative self-beliefs, receiving praise will make you feel uncomfortable because it directly contradicts what you think of yourself.
Charismatic people are confident in their abilities and graciously accept compliments. They freely pay others sincere and genuine compliments without a wider agenda.
How to apply this:
If you feel awkward or fake when praising others, make a conscious effort to give out at least three genuine compliments a day to those closest to you.
Learn how to accept when someone compliments you by smiling and politely saying thank you. Over time, this will become natural to you, and your self-confidence will grow.
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Final thoughts
Charismatic people light up their surroundings because they make others feel good while being genuine and authentic.
If you want to hone your charisma and transform your conversations, practice improving these habits:
- Listen to others more than you talk.
- Ask open-ended questions that provoke an extended response.
- Express your unique opinions and ideas when relevant.
- Practice listening intentionally and maintaining eye contact.
- Speak slowly and clearly to give your words more meaning.
- Cultivate self-worth from within to become less judgemental of others.
- Learn to accept compliments and give them to others authentically.
Charisma isn’t a mysterious quality bestowed upon a lucky few. With enough confidence and practice, anyone can improve their charisma and level-up their conversation skills.
When you become more charismatic, people open up to you. When you align yourself meaningfully with others, amazing opportunities begin to flow your way.
Charisma has the power to change your life, and anyone can start improving theirs today.
Charisma is the perfect blend of warmth and confidence. — Vanessa Van Edwards
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash
