2020: Our First Year as Parents

Writing about parenting is hard for a number of reasons including that:

Everyone’s past and present life variables are so different and one has to be aware of and sensitive to this when writing about something as integrated in a person’s life as parenting.
Some people may feel that some aspects of growing, birthing, and developing new human beings is something that is separate from the rest of the world or certain parts of it.
It is a (by grace) a long journey and hence it is hard to imagine that one can ever be fully qualified to write on it. In our humble first year we have learned so much and expected to do so for the next few decades.

Nevertheless, we love being parents and are so grateful for this experience. It has also been such a big part of our lives for the past year. And so it would be a shame not to write about it.

…

As I imagine to be the case for most parents, our first year has been anything but perfect and I can even recall a weekend that I would describe as dark (due to a perfect storm of factors — exhaustion, a sick child, a family loss, and work demands peaking, all at once — another story). Our parents (the grandparents) have also not been able to meet their grandchild due to the Covid-19 pandemic.

But for the most part, we have had a really positive experience. There are probably many contextual factors (first point above) that we can attribute this positive experience to. For example: We have both had good careers for 10+ years, we have access to good healthcare, we are healthy and strong, we have been a home team for well over a decade, I had a few months maternity leave, we have a school/daycare very near that we can send our child to for some hours each day whilst we work, and my birth and pregnancy was good and quick.

Another contextual factor is that we had our baby in 2020, a surprisingly good year to have a baby since the world has (to some small degree) rethought the need to spend hours in the traffic each day and the need for set hours and locations for all jobs. (This is progress but we have some way to go in rethinking the way we work and hence driving the course of history).

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Context is so important and we say this so as not to share half the story, as that may be misleading and unhelpful.

…

What then can we offer as some words of encouragement to new parents, after taking the above into account?

When we first became pregnant, we read a bit on expecting, but found a lack of practical books, not per se on the baby, but on parenting itself. A lot of books are also fairly emotive and repetitive.

But we came across one gem, which was a quick, humorous, and practical. This was A Man’s Guide to Newborn Babies by Anthony Kim. I (the mother) found it useful to both men and women and related well with the writer. He spoke about simple aspects like getting fit and strong before the baby arrives in order to keep up (women should be a year ahead on this one), and using all your minutes wisely (a challenge in a time of so many distractions that eat away at your time without result).

So in the spirit of that book, and after taking our context into account, the below are our top six items that we feel have helped us the most to not only survive, but truly enjoy, our first year of parenting:

Teamwork. Again referring to the starting point of this article, I am sensitive to the fact that everyone has a different set up. But parenting as an equal couple has been wonderful. This means sharing the tasks equally and sensibly, especially following leave provisions. This also means sharing through day and night. For us, the joint task of parenting has been deeply fulfilling, and has deepened our relationship. Good communication as well as sleep (see below) has also been key. Whilst I am aware that this may not work for everyone, I also feel strongly that a) no one should have to parent a baby alone (the demands can be too much), and b) it is such a fulfilling experience that no one wants to miss out on.
Sleep. Whilst I hear that some people are lucky, it seems that most have sleep challenges in the first year. For us this was true and we quickly learned that we simply have to do our best to get sleep in the time that we have. This is of course easier said that done, but one has to take this responsibility seriously since everything else hinges on this.For us, this meant a lot of tag-teaming, daily magnesium supplements, limited coffee, and getting outside everyday (a lot of common sense). After ten months I also chose to stop producing milk and hence started taking an all-natural melatonin supplement, which also helps immensely to fall asleep quickly. All of this being said, we still had and have some days where we could get better quality sleep. Be kind to yourself and control what you can.
Everyday habits and systems. I have to thank my husband for this one as he has been training me for the last decade. Our efficiency in all areas of our lives has however stepped up in the last year. He also took care of a lot of the initial admin in the first weeks whilst I was recovering, everything from settling accounts to birth registrations, laundry, washing, cooking, cleaning (we have always shared all these and other responsibilities equally). Since then we continue with good tools for everything. We use calendar entries, reminders, and note sharing for most things.We try to complete most quick tasks before they get onto a list. We choose to keep a simple life and hence can clean our house ourselves, a few minutes a day each. We shop and cook simply and share all these tasks. I highly recommend setting good habits and systems in place long before having a child. Again refer to point 1.
Ignorance. Since pregnancy and still today I have found that people will often say strange things, sometimes because they are reflecting on their own experiences, sometimes because don’t think too carefully before speaking, sometimes because they have a strange sense of humour. People may also behave strangely, maybe because they assume things about you. All these things tell you a lot about them and allow you an opportunity to choose how to respond. We have found that a touch of ignorance helps; we prefer to choose happiness.
Boundaries. In our experience boundaries can be challenging around work, especially during the Covid-19 pandemic. Some types of work allow for everyday time boundaries, others not. It is best to do what works for you, but make sure that it is indeed working well and sustainably, or consider to make changes accordingly. For us, this means hours where we are not available, such that where we are available, we are sharp and efficient. This is really important to us and an ongoing goal to keep our boundaries, not only physically, but mentally too.
Putting it all together = positive head-space. Parenting is to us the single-most fulfilling and inspiring experience that we have had the honour of starting. Whilst we are still in the very early days, we feel that our lives are so much more colourful for starting this journey and we are grateful everyday for our daughter, who brightens up our lives and teaches us so much about life. Loving our child has always come easily, and loving the overall experience (amongst other responsibilities) has been made a lot easier with some of the above things. We would love for others to have this experience too.

We hope that this might be helpful to new parents, expecting parents, or parents hoping to one day in the near or far future expect a child. We wish you only the best!

And for existing parents, we have immense admiration and look forward to learning from you!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***