Surrender is a very powerful word. The concept of surrender is viewed very differently by men and women.
Ask a man, and he might say that surrender means giving up. For him, surrender is a negative term that denotes defeat. It is about losing, giving away control, being overwhelmed by a more powerful, better-equipped opponent. An army surrenders to a superior force. A suspect is charged and surrenders to police. A wrestler surrenders when he is pinned to the mat and is rendered helpless.
For a woman, surrendering in this way can be an uplifting, heart-opening experience. Could it be so for a man? I know it is possible because I am living it. I feel that I have surrendered to my wife, Alice, and it truly feels sweet. Surrendering to her is like coming to rest, coming home. Letting go of my lies and defenses, greed and manipulations, is like putting down a heavy load. It’s a relief to be able to be myself. I have placed my vulnerable heart in her loving hands and I trust I will be well cared for.
There is one condition that enables my surrender to Alice, and I believe it is a precondition to anyone’s surrender to another person. That precondition is safety. In order to trust enough to let go of your defenses and open your vulnerable heart to your partner, you must feel safe. Otherwise, there will be a part of you that needs protection. To surrender, you must know that your partner will consistently be in your corner, always have the intention to take care of you and never purposely cause you harm. I felt this early in my relationship with Alice. I knew from the start that I was safe with Alice, and this what allowed me to open my heart as I never had before. When there is that level of safety, surrendering can come easily, even if you are a “manly” man. And surrender for that manly man can be even sweeter because it is so radically different from anything else in his life.
It works both ways. Surrendering to your partner makes you safe to them. By letting down your sword and shield, you become a safe partner. This is an invitation for your beloved to surrender and open their heart to you even more. You’ll both be swimming in sweetness.
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A version of this essay originally appears in the author’s book LOVING PROMISES: The Master Class For Creating Magnificent Relationship.
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