4 Simple Tricks To Overcome Your Ex

When Jake left my house that night, I was speechless. As he closed the door behind me, my vision blurred, and I ran my hand to my forehead to check my temperature, as in instinct. I walked calmly to the kitchen to get a glass of water, hoping it would make me feel better.

Except I knew it wouldn’t. Nothing would make me feel better that night.

Jake was my boyfriend in high school. He was my first love, the one who opened the world of dating for me and taught me everything I knew. Back then, I couldn’t imagine life without him. It was a time when I was experiencing new things, and having Jake with me helped immensely.

So when he left me, it was devastating. As a good teenage girl, I thought my world had ended.

My recovery process was not pretty. For weeks, all I wanted to do was stay in bed and watch movies. I had no motivation to study, exercise, or do all my extracurricular activities. Some days were better than others. On the good days, I spoke with my friends and journaled. Slowly, the good days outnumbered the bad days.

In this process, I had plenty of time to think about the breakup. Although it was my first heartbreak, I developed the habit of analyzing people’s behavior at an early age. And I was determined to come back stronger. With time, I learned a few tricks to overcome Jake for good. If you struggle to get over your ex, here’s what worked for me:

Make plans by yourself.

The main reason why breakups hurt is that they destroy your future. Couples make plans together: to travel, get married, or have kids. You build this image of your future with the other person. And, when they leave you, they also leave your future.

The plans you made with your loved one will never come true.

Jake and I spent months making plans to go to college together. We helped each other through the application process, looked for programs and even dorms. In my mind, we’d spend the college years together. So when he left me, it destroyed my expectations for college.

However, I didn’t have a choice. My expectations are my responsibility, and it was time to make serious decisions for my future — a future that didn’t include Jake. It was time to discard the old plans and make new ones.

To my surprise, something funny happened. The more I focused on building my future, the better I felt about the breakup. With time, I learned how to visualize a future without Jake. And once I internalized this new future, it became easier to overcome him.

When you start planning your future without your ex, your life becomes more tangible. It helps you to realize there are several experiences out there waiting for you. There’s more to life than your ex. Although it feels like the world is over now, making plans is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The plans work as a reminder that the pain will end. And that you’re strong enough to plan your life the way you see fit.

Have a final goodbye.

Breakups are the end of an era in your life. But, as much as you know there was no other choice, endings are not easy. The secret to accepting the end of a relationship is to have proper closure.

When Jake broke up with me, I was clueless. Deep down, I felt like it wasn’t finished — something was missing. I still had questions, and I spent most of my time creating the answers. Part of me wanted to call him. I wanted one last conversation, one proper goodbye. But I didn’t feel comfortable doing it.

Then, my best friend, Linda, gave me the best advice: “Why don’t you write about it?”

I figured writing wouldn’t hurt anyone. So I took an old notebook and wrote everything I wanted to say to him. All the feelings I was avoiding came up — sadness, gratitude, loneliness, and even happiness. I didn’t hold back; I just let the words flow and didn’t judge the outcome.

In the end, I wrote a goodbye letter without even realizing it. It helped me understand and process my feelings.

And, although Jake never read the letter, it was the closure I needed.

Ending a relationship without proper closure is like losing a book and never finishing it. The story stays on your mind forever and, without an ending, your mind is free to imagine “what if.” So you create the craziest scenarios in your head.

And yet, none of them matter — because no matter how much you imagine, your story never had an ending. So whether you have a conversation or process it by yourself, create meaning for the end.

Notice how much you changed.

There are countless versions of you. Your experiences shape your personality, so you are constantly evolving. And being in love is one of the most intense experiences you can have.

Each person has an inner world with unique personalities, interests, opinions, backgrounds, and friends. When two people are in love, they share their inner worlds. And when you spend a long time with your partner, you internalize their world. In the end, you are constantly changing each other.

So there’s one version of you before the relationship and another once it’s over.

When it’s over, looking at the downsides of the relationship may help you to move on. They make you believe you made the right decision. But relationships are complex — they are not entirely good, nor bad. Focusing on the good things instead of the bad will give you a better perspective.

Think of the new version of you. How did your ex change you for the better? Maybe you learned a new skill, started a new hobby, opened up more for relationships, or even made new friendships. These changes are now part of you.

Although the relationship didn’t work, you came out of it better. This mindset makes it easier to focus on yourself — and not the ex. Acknowledge the role your ex had in shaping who you are. This positive perspective of the end makes it easier to heal. After all, you’ll never overcome your ex if you keep nourishing negative feelings towards him.

Block him on social media.

Social media can be a monster when you got dumped. It works as a constant reminder that your ex exists and they’re doing fine without you.

During the first weeks after the breakup, Instagram became my worst enemy. Whenever I posted a story, I’d check if Jake had seen it — if he hadn’t, I got disappointed. I felt like there was some meaning behind looking into each other’s profiles, the ultimate proof that there was still hope.

Slowly, I became obsessed: why would he watch my Instagram stories and not contact me? What were his intentions? Why was he stalking me?

Then, it hit me: when Jake saw my stories, it meant he saw my stories. That’s as simple as that. There was no meaning, no intention to get back together, and no regrets. He was just looking at stories on Instagram, and mine happened to be one of them.

Yet, my profile made me anxious. With Jake looking into my stuff, I could never move on. So I blocked him — and a few days in, I stopped worrying about my profile.

It’s not rude to block your ex on social media. Sometimes, these small interactions stop you from moving on — if that’s the case, you should prioritize your mental health. If you caught yourself obsessing about your ex’s profile or looking for a secret meaning behind his actions, it’s a sign to block him. It doesn’t have to be forever, only until you feel better.

In the end, you are responsible for setting your boundaries and doing what it takes to move on.

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Overcoming Jake was painful. My process took longer than I had expected, and it was full of ups and downs. No matter how much it hurt, there was no way around it and no shortcuts — I had to go through it alone.

If you’re facing this issue, be kind to yourself. Respect your process instead of rushing it. Before you know it, it stops hurting, and everything becomes a sweet memory of someone who made you happy.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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