Are we finally moving on from Covid?
Sure, we still have the variants to worry about. And the anti-vax, anti-mask silliness is still being supported in certain circles. But as of Sept 15th, 54% of the U.S. population is fully vaccinated, and that number continues to grow. That’s good news, isn’t it?
Things seem to be getting better, aren’t they?
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But What About The Children?
The pandemic has taken quite a toll on my 10-year-old son.
Covid interrupted his formative years. It changed his everyday behavior and I’ve been struggling to find a way through it for him.
As an adult, I can look at the pandemic as two years that have passed. But for a 10-year-old boy, that represents 20% of his life.
Covid started when he was 8-years-old. The lockdown encompassed the entirety of being 9, and now we are several months into being 10.
Do you remember what was happening when you were 9 or 10? I remember wanting a pet rock. For some reason, I remember how much I loved Oscar Mayer bologna…and ring dings.
I also recall my parents watching the evening news about the Iran Hostage Crisis, but I really didn’t pay attention. I don’t remember the details.
My son just lived through the worst global pandemic in 100 years. He certainly doesn’t read the news, but he did pay attention. He is mindful of the situation and very aware of its affect on us. He is cognizant of the ‘covid rules’.
The pandemic has changed his behavior in many ways.
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Friendship & Social Interaction
A large part of his school experience during covid was learning through an iPad and a laptop. There was no classroom, no social interaction, and no friends. There were no playdates, no birthday parties, no little league. No social cues to experience and learn from.
I fear this has had the biggest impact on him.
My son has always been shy, but ever since covid, he avoids all social interaction like the plague. He doesn’t like being near anyone.
He wasn’t always like this.
One of his closest friends was a boy from school named Aisultan. The two of them were inseparable through 2nd and 3rd grade. Sometimes, it appeared they could communicate to each other without words. They had this strange mental connection. They would look at each other, giggle, and know what the other was thinking.
Aisultan is the son of a diplomat, and he had his fathers diplomatic flair. He became my sons connection to many other children in the schoolyard.
Before covid, if my son was worried about going to afterschool or enrolling in summer camp, his fears would disappear the minute he found out that Aisultan would be there. I would drop him at the door and the two of them would run off and communicate telepathically :-).
We were living on Roosevelt Island. It has a large diplomatic community because of its proximity to the United Nations. Every year, attendance at the elementary school would ebb and flow with the comings and goings of diplomats and their families. Foreign postings change, contracts end, and diplomats or consuls move on to their next post.
Last year, in the middle of covid, Aisultan’s family moved back to their home country of Kazakhstan.
Because of the pandemic, the boys never had the opportunity for a proper goodbye.
My son was upset, but he never wanted to talk about it. We sent a few emails and videos, but it wasn’t the same. I know it brought him sadness and confusion.
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Fear of Germs
Covid taught us not to touch. We were constantly washing our hands to stay free of germs. Videos were posted on social media, instructing us how to scrub, and for how long (count to 20).
Now, that obsession has dissipated for most of us, but not for my son.
He washes his hands the minute he gets home. He washes to the count of 20. He instructs me to do the same, and gets angry when I delay.
“Daddy, wash your hands”
He won’t touch public doorknobs. When we leave our building or enter a store, he waits for me to pull the door open.
He refuses to push through the turnstile in the subway. He ducks underneath instead. Although I may laugh that his actions have saved me the cost of a MetroCard swipe, there is truth in his perspective. He is aware that many people touch that turnstile…and he knows that it has probably never been washed.
My son always wears a jacket or a sweatshirt when we leave the house. Even during the periods of oppressive heat this summer in NYC, he refused to leave the apartment without wearing something to cover up.
I think he views it as his last line of defense against covid germs. He still pulls the sleeve down to cover his hand so he can push the elevator button.
Back in School
We had school for two months last year. Because of the mandated distancing, the cafeteria was closed and only used for classes.
Lunch was taken outside, on the floor in the hallways, or the floor in the gym. This was not acceptable to my son.
Because of his concern for germs, he did not like sitting on the floor, certainly not to eat his lunch.
So he didn’t eat lunch. He didn’t complain, he would sit with everyone, but he refused to eat his lunch. He didn’t like being on the floor where everyone had walked, and he absolutely would not take his mask off in public.
I also wouldn’t enjoy eating my lunch on the dirty floor. I hope they have a more normal lunchtime experience this year.
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He seems to like being back in school and I am grateful. I am hopeful that he will make new friends.
But my son does not enjoy the proximity to others.
Getting ready for drop-off at school. Photo credit: iStockphoto
During drop-off and pick-up at our school, it is absolute mayhem. Parents are all congregating to chat, with younger siblings in toe, and 600+ students waiting at the door to show their health screener before they enter.
Fortunately, everyone has their mask on.
As soon as he sees me at pick-up, he runs through the crowd. He is in a rush and he always has the same succinct demand,
“Daddy, let’s go”
He does not want to stop and talk about his day. He just wants to leave, he wants to get away from the crowd. He pulls me in whichever direction there are fewer people.
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What About Therapy?
In the peak of covid, there was a lot of talk about the increase in depression and anxiety. So in June of last year, I sought help from a mental health professional for my son.
It didn’t work out.
Covid cancelled all in-person therapy in NYC. In fact, in-person sessions are still extremely rare. All mental health therapy is done via Zoom.
That didn’t work for my son.
The therapist couldn’t create a connection without being face-to-face. She had no presence, no control. There was no opportunity to use play as a diversion. She couldn’t take out a game, or paper and crayons.
He also didn’t understand the purpose of the meetings, and I had difficulty explaining it to him.
He would refuse to answer the therapists questions. He would look away, climb under the table or just close the laptop and disconnect the session.
We tried for many months, but it was difficult to build a comfortable and positive environment.
Maybe we’ll revisit therapy when we actually go back to “normal”.
And Then There’s The Mask
My son refuses to take his mask off in public.
I listen to people talk about their children being uncomfortable wearing a mask in school. That’s a non-masker argument and I have to call BS. My son never takes his mask off. It doesn’t bother him at all.
We are sitting in a restaurant having pizza and I explain that it’s OK, he can take it off, “no one is wearing masks”.
But he refuses, he just pulls it down to take a bite and then puts it back on.
We stop to visit the ice cream truck. He pulls his mask down to lick the cone and pulls it back up to swallow.
When we visit the store to run errands, our roles have been reversed. Rather than me making typical parent demands, I am the one receiving stern, controlling remarks.
“Daddy, put your mask on.”
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A Simple Solution
We were visiting a friend on Fire Island this summer. It’s a casual beach community outside of NYC. It’s a laid back, beautiful place to visit.
He loved playing in the pool at the house. He could have stayed there all day, but I wanted to go to the beach. That presented a problem.
No matter how much I cajoled and then pleaded, he refused to take his mask off when we went down to the beach.
“Come on Buddy, take your mask off, we’re outside.”
“No one else is wearing a mask.”
His response was simple and direct,
“I don’t want to Daddy, it makes me uncomfortable.”
I realized I was handling it all wrong. The only reason I wanted him to take his mask off was because “I” was embarrassed. I was the one who was uncomfortable with onlookers and concerned about what they may think.
My son could care less. The mask made him feel safe. He had been told to wear a mask and now I was trying to alter that habit.
I wasn’t thinking about his perspective, his feelings.
There is nothing wrong with wearing a mask, washing his hands, and staying away from germs.
Who cares what other people think.
I switched my perspective. Rather than trying to change his behavior, I became proud of him for standing up for himself. And I told him so.
I should have done this from the beginning. He was doing what he thought was the right thing to do. It made him feel more comfortable.
Good for him.
Let them be. He’ll get through it better with support rather than insistence. We all will, it may take some time, but it will be OK.
I may still try to broach therapy in the future, but in the meantime, I’ll continue learning to be more patient and aware with my son.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
