5 Powerful Ways To Avoid Settling Down for the Wrong Person

Ifyou are currently single and ready to mingle, I can’t tell you when you will meet the right person, but I can tell you how to avoid settling down for the wrong person — and this is something you should concern more about.

Many people make this same mistake over and over again. My mom included. It took lots of courage to admit it, but at some point, you have to let go of the ego so you can learn something from it.

After 11 years of being a single parent, my mom decided to remarry this man from her hometown. She thought it was for the best, but she couldn’t be more wrong. The man she married was lazy, unkind to my younger brother, and didn’t care about my education. So a year later, she filed a divorce, and he left the house a few months later.

Though it’s over now, and my mom ended up remarried again for the third time to the love of her life, it still left some trauma in my brother and me. It took me almost a year to finally believe the next person my mom married was a good one.

I know this is a crazy example and sounds so dramatic, but to make a point, I don’t want you to fall for the wrong person. Getting out of a relationship that isn’t right for you is much more complex. You might end up losing lots of things in your life — mentally and financially.

So before all that happen, there are some practical tips that you can do to avoid:

1. Know what you need in a partner

Someone told me before that when you don’t know what you want, life somehow will throw anything there is to you. This applies to relationships too.

If you look closely at those in a happy relationship, they all have standards and exactly know what their ideal partner is. I’m not talking about external factors such as how good-looking they are or how much money they have. This is more on the compatibility aspect of it.

What character you’d like your partner to have? Is it necessary for you to have the same type of lifestyle? How about the big goals and values? All these questions should be your foundation to start writing down your preference.

Doing this will also make it easier for you to say “no” to those who only want to waste your time. There won’t be a stage where you tell yourself, “let’s try this out,” because you are more focused and intentional now.

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2. Take more time before tying the knot

I never get those people who get married in less than 6months after they met. Sure, you can always learn about your partner more once you get married. Maybe going through the dating phase is such a waste of time.

But still, what’s the rush?

I know a girl who married someone in the 3rd month after their first date. The marriage lasted for a year, and now she got depressed because of it. Well, I’m sure there are couples out there who make it work, and I’m not recommending you to date for years before you tye the knot either.

It should be in the middle. You want to make sure that they are the right person for you. Commitment such as marriage is a big deal, so it doesn’t hurt to take your time and figure it out.

Though you’ll never be 100% ready, at least you get a picture of what life will look like with them.

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3. Focus on the practical aspects

Let’s put aside your emotions and those butterflies feelings you get first. Those things are important too to keep the sparks alive, but life is more than that.

I came from a very traditional and religious family, so the idea of marrying someone outside my village still seems crazy to them. Especially knowing that my boyfriend doesn’t speak my language and let alone being a Muslim.

So practically, I had to think if it was worth it. If I based everything on my feelings only, then it wouldn’t work out.

And I might hurt many people along the way — which is something I never wanted to do.

For you might be the efforts you put in the relationship. If you go out together, do you find yourself to be the one who always pays the bill? Are you okay with it? This looks like a small thing but trusts me when you settle down with them for the long run, it’ll affect the way you see them, and you know how it goes from there.

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4. Think about the lifestyle compatibility

Compatibility plays a huge role in whether someone is the right fit for you or not. This isn’t only a characteristic aspect, but things like lifestyles should also fall into your consideration.

Imagine this; you are the type of person who likes spending your weekend hiking, surrounding yourself with nature, but then the person you are with is more of a party person. They can’t join you going for a hike the following day because they spent the whole night drinking with their friends at the club.

You can still make the relationship work, but it’s going to be complicated. It might take a toll on your mental health. In this kind of situation, many people like to believe that they can change their partner to match their lifestyle.

But that’s not how it works. They will never change. So rather than wasting your time trying to do it, isn’t it much better to let go and look for someone more compatible with you? It’s not that complicated as you think.

You need to stop romanticizing the idea that if they love you enough, they’ll change. From my experience and friends, I noticed that’s not the case.

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5. Avoid having too many opinions from the outside

No one knows your love life better than you. People might be telling you the type of guy you need, but it’s only you who know what’s best for you.

If I listened to my friends’ opinions on my complicated long-distance relationship, it wouldn’t have been going on for this long. People called me crazy for meeting someone online, but we are still going strong almost years later.

This doesn’t mean you should despise your friend’s opinion right away. After all, they care about you. It’s just that you shouldn’t blindly follow what other’s people think you should do in your love life.

Doing those exercises above can be a great start for putting together all the good and bad points whether that person is the right or wrong person to you.

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For a recap, here’s how you can avoid settling down for the wrong person:

Before anything else, be clear first with what you want in a partner. This will make it easier for you to say “no” to those who don’t meet your standards.
No matter how much you like this new person, try not to rush things out. Take as much time as you need to get to know them better.
Having the same type of lifestyle can help the relationship last longer. So look at their current lifestyles and see if you think you can get along in the long run.
As much as you value your friend’s opinion, try to decide anything about your love life on your own because you’re the only one who knows what’s best for you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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