4 Often-ignored Reasons Why You Feel Frustrated in Your Relationship

I’d rather not beat about the bush this time.

If you’re reading this, then you’re probably feeling frustrated in your relationship right now.

Maybe things aren’t working out the way you expected them to, or you feel like something’s missing…but have no idea what it is.

Not being able to identify the source of your relationship frustration is something that can happen to anyone. Here are four often ignored reasons that explain why you might feel that way and what you can do about them.

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#1. Your Needs Are Not Being Met

There are two reasons why your needs are not met in your relationship:

a) You’re afraid to ask your partner for the things you need.
b) You don’t have a clear idea of what your true needs are.

When it comes to scenario a, you’re not the only one who feels that way — you’d be surprised by how many people prefer to leave their needs unmet in their relationships in favor of avoiding conflict and difficult conversations.

However, communicating your needs to your partner is essential to establish an authentic connection and create a mutually fulfilling relationship. Sadly, your significant other can’t (nor ever will be able to) read your mind, so they might never understand what they’re not giving you — unless you speak from your heart and clarify your needs to them.

Remember that every unmet need breeds resentment, frustration, confusion, and disconnect. It’s better to have one difficult conversation rather than remaining in a cycle of dissatisfaction don’t you think?

Scenario b, on the other hand, is all about identifying your needs. Find some time to sit down and ask yourself what it is that you really need your partner to provide you with? What’s missing in your relationship? What gesture or change would make you happier?

You might not get all the answers in one day, of course, but you’ll eventually get a better understanding of what it is you crave in your relationship — as long as you’re completely honest with yourself.

Then, it’s back to scenario a — communicate your needs to your partner.

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#2. You’re Afraid To Be Vulnerable

The fear of vulnerability is pretty common.

Are you hiding who you really are from your partner? Do you struggle with intimacy? Do you think your partner will reject you if they see you’re not as perfect as you so hard try to appear?

All of the above are signs you’re struggling with being vulnerable around your partner, which in turn, keeps the relationship from moving forward, and makes you feel like something’s missing.

Your fear might lie in the fact that you associate vulnerability with weakness or submissiveness. Yet, vulnerability has more to do with strength and courage, as opening up to others always entails the risk of getting rejected or hurt.

Of course, if you had a difficult childhood, and grew up with emotionally unavailable, judgemental, or even violent parents, embracing vulnerability might be especially challenging for you — but not impossible.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the only way you can truly connect with your partner. Vulnerability is the key to safe and genuine communication, and therefore, an authentic and strong relationship.

Let your partner become your shoulder to lean on; let them see your vulnerable side and all the things you’re afraid to show the rest of the world. It might be hard and scary, but so are all the things that make life worth living.

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#3. You Let Social Scripts and Norms Poison Your Relationship

The topic of social scripts and norms can be complicated because as long as we’re members of society, they’re always gonna have an effect on us and the way we approach our relationships.

However, when we let those social scripts or norms dictate the way we navigate our love life and the way we approach our relationships, a) feelings of dissatisfaction, frustration, and resentment are bound to ensue and b) we end up self-sabotaging them.

Because, how can you truly be satisfied in your relationship if you navigate and judge it based on other people’s expectations and assumptions instead of your own?

As psychologist Susan Blackburn states in her article:

The more you let social norms poison your relationship, the more you jeopardize your happiness in it. Try to remember that other people’s relationships are not your own. Every person behaves differently within a relationship and has different needs.

A specific set of behaviors might suit and satisfy others but it may not be suitable for you, your personality, needs, and relationship goals.

Start navigating your relationship on your own terms.

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#4. You Think Similarity Means Compatibility

Your partner loves the outdoors whereas you’re all about sitting home with your cat and a book. You enjoy cooking and trying gourmet meals whereas your partner insists on ordering pizzas and mac and cheese.

Worst of all? You have a soft spot for art museums whereas your partner finds art…boring. Surely, you can’t help but wonder,

“Can this truly work if we’re so different?”

Ah, I think we’ve all been there. Noticing you have a lot of differences with your partner can be scary — and slowly drive you crazy. You start wondering whether your relationship is a waste of time and if it’s possible to move forward with a person that sees life through a different lens.

All this uncertainty, however, can slow your relationship’s progress and stand in the way of establishing a strong connection with your partner. I have three things I need you to take note of:

a) differences are always going to exist between two people
b) the differences between you and your partner actually bring spice to your relationship (would you really want to be in a relationship with yourself?)
c) similarity doesn’t mean compatibility

That’s right, similarity doesn’t mean compatibility.

Someone you’re very different from might be perfectly able to fulfill all of your needs. As long as you share the same relationship goals, values, and have a common vision for your future, differences are (usually) workable.

As counselor Alicia Muñoz explains in her article:

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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